Hi nellyjelly
re your comments:-
"I don't want to cut contact. I can't imagine doing that".
Genuine question, now why is that exactly?. You may feel like you are in the FOG - this is an acronym for fear, obligation, guilt. Many children now adults who were and remain victims of such toxic parenting often feel FOG. You probably are also one of the very few people who actually puts up with your mother; I daresay your parents have no real friends at all, only acquaintances or people they can use as narc supply or to use for their own validation.
" I just need to manage the situation so I am not coming out of it at a disadvantage all the time"
This is not a situation you can manage; she is continuing to undermine you within your own home. An example of this is that you tell her politely not to keep buying your child present but she continues to do this all the same. She has and continues to undermine you and make your own adult life a misery. She crosses any boundary you care to set and your own boundaries re your mother are too low to begin with. She cannot or will not accept that you are now an adult who can make her own decisions; again it is all about her. Her H, her willing enabler that all narc mothers need, goes along with her regardless of any pain that is inflicted on you as a result.
I sincerely hipe your DH is a good man, your parents certainly are damaging role models when it comes to how relationships are conducted. Some daughters of narc mothers actually go onto marry narcissist men themselves.
"My situation is not as extreme as some of those Imhave followed on here"
Oh but it is. its textbook toxic parenting and you have exactly the same problems as all those other unfortunate souls who have a narc mother and an enabling father.
"Just need strategies".
You need boundaries as well as these. The resources I have detailed can also help.
"Counselling for me is probably idea. Not sure where to start with getting it though".
BACP are good with regards to counselling and do not charge the earth. Also do have a look at the resources at the beginning of the Stately Homes thread if you have not already done so.
From the website DONM re low contact:-
"Low Contact is the phrase we use to describe a specific way you can keep in touch with your Narcissistic Mother, on your terms.
What exactly those terms are, is something only you can decide. But the important thing is that it has to work for you!
And once you decide those terms, it's about setting boundaries and keeping to them. That can be the difficult thing.
So you've decided that you'd only visit once a week, say. Or once a month. But your mother invites you in between times, and puts pressure on you to accept. This is where you have to be strong and calmly assertive. It's not easy, but it'll come with practice and every time you do it, you are reclaiming another little bit of your power and it feels very good.
Narcissistic mothers are also masters of manipulation, and so they may well lay it on thick, trying to make you feel guilty if you don't accept. You need to be strong!
Another way of going Low Contact is to withdraw emotionally. You might physically see her as often, but just not share yourself as much. Keep conversation very light and superficial and safe.
Don't tell her any of your good news in case she rains on your parade. And don't tell her any of your bad news in case she feeds off it"