Why am I so over-sensitive?

[KatherineAmy]

I'm a regular but have name-changed for this. I'm wondering if anyone can identify with this or give any suggestions about why I act in this way?

Basically, whenever I get into a relationship, I seem to be very over-sensitive about everything my partner does. For example, if he doesn't contact me as often as I'd like, or if he makes a comment about another woman, or is critical of me in any way, or behaves in a way I don't like - it can be all kinds of things.

When one of these things happens, I feel really upset and feel myself withdrawing. I find it very hard to tell the person concerned why I'm upset, certainly at the time, though I'm getting better at telling them later on.

This has badly affected the last couple of relationships I've had, as my DPs feel (understandably) they're walking on egg-shells. They're worried to make a joke in case I take offence, they feel they can't criticise me at all because it's likely to upset me so much, and they must feel as if they're watching their every move. It really upsets me to think of them feeling this way, and I can absolutely see that this isn't how a relationship should be.

I have no idea why I act in this way or what to do about it. The sadness I feel when my DP has done something that upsets me is genuine - I don't want to feel that way but I do. Things that would barely affect someone else seem to affect me strongly, and I don't know how I can stop feeling things so hard all the time. If I tell my DP what's wrong, he tends to think I'm getting upset about really small things (which is often the case) and, as I've said before, he then feels like he has to walk on eggshells, and sooner or later the relationship fails. I've also tried not telling my DP what's wrong, but he can often tell I'm upset and finds it even worse if I don't tell him why, plus it means it lingers in my mind and doesn't ever get resolved.

For as long as I act like this, I just can't see a relationship working, and that makes me feel quite sad. But how do I stop feeling so hurt by things? How should I react when I get upset by something a DP does? Is there anyone else who gets upset over lots of little things and, if so, how do you manage to make a relationship work?

If anyone can help at all, I'd be really grateful. (Oh, and sorry it's so long).

I can't help wondering if there is a cause for this in your childhood. I would strongly suggest therapy of some kind.

Can you give specific examples, OP? Most of what you describe are legitimate reasons to be at least a bit peeved, the problem seems to be more the fact you can't be honest about how you're feeling than whether the feeling itself is unreasonable.

It sounds like the sort of problem that will compound over time as well, as you get more anxious about repeating the behaviour. Have you thought about having counselling, as jessjessjess suggests?

Please don't feel there is anything wrong with you!

Highly sensitive persons are very misunderstood in this world....

Please look at this:

www.hsperson.com/

And I would say any counselling to be done is for yourself and not how to "deal" with other people who wind you up.

Thanks so much for the replies, I really appreciate it.

I'm currently having counselling (started a few months ago) not specifically for this, but have mentioned it to my counsellor, so am hoping that might help.

suburbophobe thanks for the link, I've had a look and done the test. My results were just under the score for being highly sensitive, but I'm going to read more about it - never heard of it before.

tribpot I'm struggling to give a specific example as so many things can upset me. But for example I was upset when DP (very mildly) criticised something I was making for him to eat - to the point I couldn't touch him all evening. Also a couple of times when I've misinterpreted jokey texts, for example.

Suburbophobe, I'm reading more of the website that you sent the link to, and the more I read, the more I identify with it. It's making me feel almost tearful - the fact that there are others like me, and I'm not just mad or horrible or difficult. Thanks so much.

Hi Katherine and well done for posting what must be quite painful to you. Taking responsibility for yourself instead of blaming your DP is courageous. I recognise the feeling you describe and from my two years of therapy I would second JJJs suggestion that this is a response from a childhood trigger.

I had a struggle to understand why being kept waiting by others even for a few minutes made me so distressed. Until I recalled a memory of waiting and waiting for my DM as a child and feeling abandoned and unloved before she arrived in blissful ignorance of my distress. Now I can identify the response is out of proportion to the trigger and separate it from the current situation.

Can you see any parallel? Who might have criticised your cooking efforts in the past? Or teased you and made you feel unloved?

LemonDrizzled I would love to take the easy route and blame my DP, but as it's happened with several DPs, I have to realise that I'm the main part of the problem, not them. And objectively, especially after the event, I can often see that what's happened wasn't really that bad, certainly not bad enough to make me feel so upset.

It's interesting that both you and JJJ have mentioned my childhood. I actually had a pretty good childhood, though have always been shy and not quite fitted in. Also, emotions weren't talked about much in our house, and I think my mum was quite passive-aggressive. Plus I had big problems with sibling rivalry. But none of this would seem to relate directly to what's happening now. I'll keep thinking about it though.

what jessjessjess said, OP. My first reaction is that their behaviour (which may be entirely innocent) is triggering something in you. Therapy would help you get to the bottom of it, and hopefully release you from what feels to be an deeply uncomfortable situation.

*a

You could be me! I had a lovely happy country childhood, but was shy and sensitive and had a PA but loving mum who didnt talk about feelings and I fought my siblings bitterly.
I thought I was a shrew after my marriage ended but I now find I had just chosen men who didnt act considerately and made me upset. Now I am with a lovely DP who is so thoughtful and sensitive it is miraculous! So I don't get upset with him.
Don't expect to remember the triggers, but they are almost certainly there! And there is hope - you can understand what is happening and learn how to change your response.

Thanks LemonDrizzled for that lovely and encouraging post. I'm hoping with counselling that, as you say, I'll be able to understand what's happening, as I'm really confused by it at the moment. And perhaps the key is finding the right DP, though that's easier said than done! I take it your DP doesn't feel like he's walking on eggshells and constantly worrying that he might upset you? (Please PM me if he has a twin brother!)

Are you like this with friends/family, OP? Or only with men?

Holla, good question. I've thought about this before, and it's mainly with men (partners, not just male friends) that this happens with. I'm a bit over-sensitive generally, and sometimes get hurt by what friends/family do (especially if I feel they're not supportive) but in nowhere near the same way as I am with men. But I can't work out why that is!

There is a possibility that the men you have been with have been nice enough but not particularly considerate or thoughtful. Maybe there is nothing 'wrong' with you.

With sensitivity comes lots of beautiful qualities - empathy, understanding, a heightened awareness of the beauty and sorrow of the world.

Don't be too hard on yourself. And well done for thinking so honestly about this issue.

Thanks Marilyn that's really kind of you. I thought I was being a bit self-indulgent posting about this, so am pleasantly surprised to find that people think I'm being brave!

I agree that when someone's being considerate and thoughtful, that helps a lot.