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Relationships

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Bit of a weird situation

23 replies

Pillowfluffer · 12/01/2013 14:19

I've been friends with this guy (I'll call him D) for about 6 months. We met through work - he was originally a client. He provided some help to me on a project I was managing, and what started as occasional work related emails escalated. We went on to exchange personal email addresses and at that point were emailing each other several times a day. I would also see him 3 or 4 times a week at work.

About 3 months after we started talking, we were on nights out with our respective friends and were emailing each other sporadically. During the conversation he asked for a favour the next day which I agreed to. I emailed him my number as he'd need it to get in touch when he needed the favour. That night he drunk dialled me, but I didn't answer. I didn't know it was him as I didn't have his number then. I did send a text asking who it was, and he replied to it the next morning apologetically.

Since then, we've texted each other every day. We have a lot in common, and so a lot to talk about, and we generally wind each other up etc. I'm very fond of him as a friend, and am attracted to him. He knows, because I told him via email. He was very gracious about it, and said he'd never really looked at me in that way but he'd love us to be friends. He also said "anyway don't you have a fella or am i mistaken". That was about 2 months ago. We've been out for dinner etc just the 2 of us, and do things for each other - we don't buy gifts for each other but have compiled playlists etc for each other.

Since that, we've carried on texting etc and the drunk dialling has also carried on. We've both done it, and it escalated over Xmas when it was happening every other night. There was also a bit of drunken and flirty texting. One morning he drunk dialled me at 6am, and I text him saying he'd won the prize (term here meaning taking the piss). He replied saying it was a shame I wasn't there, could have been interesting. I replied with ??? and he said to give him his prize with a sad face. So I left it there. Talk in general since then has been more flirty, although we still talk normally mostly.

A while ago we were talking about types. His was very brief, said he prefers smaller women and has a bit of a thing for non causicans. Also said that doesn't mean he doesn't like white women. I already knew he didn't see me that way as he told me a while ago. But I'm a curvy (14/16, 5ft 6) white woman so it was kind of confirmation.

When we first met I was in a relationship. It was a weird set up, which he found out a few months ago. Kind of like an open relationship I suppose, but we'd never given it a name. That is now over, DP has moved out etc and D knows all of this.

I've asked him what's going on, and he's not given me a clear answer.

OP posts:
GuffSmuggler · 12/01/2013 14:23

He's just not that into you. Sorry. You are a good friend, but that is all.

dizzydixies · 12/01/2013 14:28

You're a flirtation. A distraction. A no strings email/text/drunk call 'go to' bit of fun. Just don't read any more into it that that please. Sorry.

HazeltheMcWitch · 12/01/2013 14:28

I agree with Guff, sorry. I also think he's sort of 'keeping you warm / on the back burner' just in case.

yani · 12/01/2013 14:30

Sorry OP but I think he is using you as a play-thing, perhaps without realising that himself. Hmm

I would be wary of allowing this to go much further as I think you are developing feelings for him, which probably won't be reciprocated.

McBalls · 12/01/2013 14:32

Sounds like you are a prop for his ego.

He's not attracted to you but will give you just enough encouragement to keep you hanging.

He doesn't sound like a nice person at all.

dequoisagitil · 12/01/2013 14:37

Possibly he's thinking FWB might be on the cards, but I wouldn't go there if you're hoping for more than that.

meditrina · 12/01/2013 14:38

Perhaps he isn't single? Not quite enough of a shit to have a full-on affair, but wanting an ego boost on the side.

If he wanted you as an acknowledged girlfriend, he's had plenty of time/opportunity.

WinkyWinkola · 12/01/2013 14:41

If he was really up for it, you would be dating him proper right now.

Don't jump into bed with him. You'll be left wanting more than that and he will hurt you. He's already told you his preferences so in his mind he's justified in doing what he wants if you are willing. You know his preferences and if you have sex etc then it's your own fault for wanting more.

TheMonster · 12/01/2013 14:41

Sounds like he's keeping his options open, and calls when he's drunk on the off chance of a liaison.

Pillowfluffer · 12/01/2013 14:52

Should have also said he's definitely single, and there's a fair distance between us - about 300miles at the moment. That may change at some point, but work governs where we're based and we've both moved to new jobs of late.

OP posts:
Pillowfluffer · 12/01/2013 14:57

Also should have said I don't want any sort of relationship with him. I value him a lot as a friend. I like the playful banter etc but that's as far as I would want it to go. We talk about any and everything, with a tiny bit of flirting in the mix.

Yes I do find him attractive, but he's definitely not a player. In the time we've been friends he's never hooked up with anybody. I think he's more of a relationship kind of guy really, but he's unsure of his future with regards where he's gonna be located so perhaps that's why he isn't doing anything with that area of his life. I dunno.

I didn't tell him I liked him because I wanted or expected it to be reciprocated. I just felt it was getting a bit awkward so preferred to get it out in the open.

OP posts:
yani · 12/01/2013 14:59

Pillow - Have you met any of his friends? Could it be that he is nervous of starting a relationship, so is skirting round the egdes?

Pillowfluffer · 12/01/2013 15:06

No - he's 300 miles away so I've not met his friends. I know he's spoken about me to some of his friends, but don't know what he's said. And he talks about his friends to me. When we used to see each other a lot he was working away from home.

I've also not introduced him to any of my friends. And I've not spoken about him either.

I genuinely think its a circumstances thing rather than anything else.

OP posts:
KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 12/01/2013 15:09

I got tangled up with someone like this once. It was OK right up until he got himself a girlfriend.

If he wanted to be with you as a boyfriend / partner / call it what you will, then you would already be his girlfriend. The fact that you're not says that's not what he wants.

Stop being there for him. He's using you until he meets someone he wants to have a relationship with.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 12/01/2013 15:11

OK - Just read more. If you don't want to be with him and aren't interested, then why all of the navel gazing?

If you didn't want more then why do you care what he wants?

I think you do want more and you're kidding yourself, sorry.

yani · 12/01/2013 15:17

Would your friendship with him affect work, especially as you've just started a new job?

Wouldn't want it to cause any awkwardness to you.

Casmama · 12/01/2013 15:18

Why do you need to ask him what's going on if you don't want any sort of relationship with him. It doesn't make sense to worry about his boundaries unless you are unclear of your own.

Pillowfluffer · 12/01/2013 15:19

I don't want more, I feel like something's changed, and I can't put my finger on what it is. It confuses me. I feel like we both knew what we wanted and where we both stood and it seems a bit more hazy now. I don't know why.

I want to ask him outright what the deal is, but know I won't get a straight answer and don't want to risk hearing that things have changed. What I want is him as a friend, and that was all going fine.

OP posts:
Pillowfluffer · 12/01/2013 15:20

No it wouldn't and couldn't affect work. We're not going to cross paths worldwide again as I've moved to a different industry.

OP posts:
Pillowfluffer · 12/01/2013 18:03

I think you're all right - I don't think he is interested in anything more than friendship, and I am truly happy with that. We've grown fairly close and it's refreshing to have a friend with the same sense of humour, interests etc and who gets me. I would never want to jeopardise that - I really do value our friendship too much.

I think I've been over thinking it, so will stop!

OP posts:
yani · 12/01/2013 18:21

That's brilliant if you have made a new friend. Smile

I also of over think and over complicate things Confused

knackeredoutmum · 12/01/2013 20:04

I think he has recently got a girlfriend or met someone who he would like to be his girlfriend, and that is why he is different with you.

Pillowfluffer · 12/01/2013 21:54

He hasn't recently got a girlfriend or met anybody. I think he's wary of becoming attached because of the likelihood of moving away very shortly.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. I think the change was because I was overthinking so nothing to worry about.

OP posts:
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