Have NC. In rare moments of ?clarity? I wonder what I am doing here? But then I think I?m being unreasonable and should be happy with what I have as there aren?t any real problems?
Background, with DP for 12 years. No DC but joint finances and large mortgage. 2 years ago got engaged. Shortly after (1 ? 2 weeks) DP behaviour changed suddenly. Became very moody, started picking fights, being argumentative, very critical of me. All this came out of no where and was very upsetting. He started going out at night more frequently, several times a week, and where previously I would drop off / pick him up after (lived in countryside) he was now getting lifts from ?a friend?. He was also phone guarding like crazy, never done previously, and changed his FB and Phone passwords. There was more but you get the point. This drove me crazy. Eventually I accused him of having an affair and left that same night. He begged me to come back so he could explain. Returned 24 hours later (after realising I had no-where to go!) and he said he had become V good friend with girl at work and didn?t tell me as I would be jealous. Note; I have no form for jealousy and he has many female friends I have no issues with! We agreed to make a go of things but he was to be honest etc etc.
The next 6 months still not good, he was still phone guarding, still seeing her and not telling me (But maintains this wasn?t lying), she was coming to our house when I was away (I work away on regular basis), shutting down FB when I entered room, stopped coming to bed with me and started stopping up till the early hours. But I relocated to the other side of the country with work, he came with so now there was at least distance between them. He was still messaging and being secretive, he convinced me this was all in my head, I was very stressed, lost a lot of weight and started to doubt myself.
Some friends supported me I was ok and got back to good health; checked his phone ? picked it off table in front of him, he fought to get it back? and the only msg not deleted was him sending xxx to her and she replied with same. Another ?talk? and now he tells me he is helping her through a tough time as she keeps having affairs with other married men and cant talk to anyone else as they all know her DH. Showed me some of her emails which supported this. They were very sexually explicit about what she did with these other men. I told him this was not a normal exchange between friends and was told I was weird and of course it was, I?m too narrow minded and most women talk like this to their friends? he refused to stop the friendship, i told him to be more honest, tell me when they talked and to cut back on contact. Long story short she got pregnant, he lost interest, they fell out.
3 months ago, a male acquaintance of ours breaks up with his casual partner, DP now texting this girl, did her a favour that?s how he had phone number? text messages become more frequent to the point that its all night every night, the evenings I?m home and not away with work I just got totally ignored whilst he sat on his phone. This time he is honest that he is sending messages and who to. I tell him this is not on and that things cannot go down this route again, I feel stronger this time then I did before, almost detached from the whole thing. Have also told him to pull his weight around the house.
So now he?s still messaging her but in the day or once I?m in bed or out etc. I know as they use Whatsapp and I can see when he was last on line. She is the only person he messages on this. I have checked his phone twice but the message history is cleared. She has a problem where she keeps getting into relationships with married men? he is just been a friend. They are messaging several time a day, I have told him I don?t think this is respectful in the bounds of a relationship? but now hes just hiding it and I cant prove anything! Plus, I don?t think there is anything going on. He said she flirted with him but he ignored this and they just have general chit chat.
Am I being over sensitive based on what happened before. I believe there is nothing sexual going on between them. Just because this is more intense then my friendships doesn?t make it wrong? Why do I feel so conflicted?