Feeling upset about the beginning of the relationship

[Minniesbowtique]

My DH and I have been together for just over 10 years and are very happy, got married in 2011 and have two DCs. We fell pregnant with first dc within three months of getting together, which wasn't ideal but we talked about it and although my first instinct was not to continue with the pregnancy he persuaded me we could do it together and so we did which is not a decision I have ever regretted.

I had hang ups throughout the relationship that the only reason we had stayed together was because we had DD, not because of anything said or done but just because this was both of our first serious long term relationship and I always wondered whether we'd have stuck it out had we not had a mortgage and a baby before being together a year. DH reassured me that he loved me etc and in time proposed and we planned our wedding. The wedding and subsequent marriage was very very important to me as that was a sign that he was with me for me, he didn't have to marry me but because he wanted to, proved to me that our relationship wasn't just built on DD.

Before we could get married we had a very rough patch and actually split up for a while, without going into it too much he wasn't cheating but what he did ruined our relationship, got us into debt and very clearly showed me how little he held me in his regard.

We eventually got back together after a lot of work on both our parts and subsequently got re-engaged, had another baby and got married. So far so good. Except last year we were talking about the rough patch we had, which he rarely does but for some reason I pushed it and pushed it and he basically responded by telling me that back then he cared more about being there for our DD than being there because he loved me. I was very upset and just took it in and filed it away inside, taking it out every so often to dwell on it or mull it over, it confirmed to me all those negative feelings I'd had about myself and the relationship back then. Anyway last month we we out and had a few drinks and were chatting comfortable about friends of ours who are in a new relationship and I jokingly said something like 'look at what we used to be like' and he replied laughingly 'yeah and I didn't even like you when we first started going out' it was like a body blow. I didn't make a big deal of it but I can't stop thinking about it.

I should add we have (or I assume we do) a happy marriage now and we have two amazing kids that we love and adore. But is it wrong for me to dwell on this as it just makes me feel so crap about myself, or should I just get over it, accept that he felt that way and enjoy our otherwise great relationship. I keep thinking about it and can't get it out of my head. I'm being stupid aren't I?

Have Namechanged for this btw.

Sounds like you're trying very hard to find things to be unhappy and insecure about. You need to concentrate in what you have now, or you'll spoil it.

Totally agree with Collaborate. Enjoy the here & now otherwise you will end up ruining what have.

Is your marriage really as good as you say it is now? Honestly?

You are allowed to feel whatever it is you feel, regardless of how logical you or others think it is. You can't deny your feelings just because they're awkward. What you need to do is examine where they come from and why you're feeling them.

To me, reading your thread, I'm getting the impression that you're still feeling a little insecure about the relationship. Whatever it was your H did to cause you to split in those early days has probably left some residual doubt and maybe that's what you need to work on. If there is any hint of this behaviour still present, it could well explain why you're feeling this way now. Perhaps relationship counselling could help with this.

You seem to feel almost like you were trapped into the relationship through circumstance. Do you feel that you missed out on the fireworks-type love affair that you always expected to have with the man you'd spend the rest of your life with? Could that have something to do with it? In combination with your DH's behaviour that made you feel so unimportant early on in the relationship, you are probably feeling that the lack of passion and romance signifies something deeper and is indicative that he doesn't love you as much as you'd like. I'd say that's a fairly normal reaction not a stupid one, regardless of whether it's true or false.

Actions speak louder than words, and real love is based on commitment and respect. Taking the bins out and doing your fair share of housework is much more a sign of respect than occasional bunches of flowers and fancy speeches. Honesty is a sign of intimacy, and your DH's comments could show how secure and committed he is in the relationship. However, it could also be insensitive and designed to be hurtful. Only you know the answer to that. Really examine your marriage and look for evidence of his respect and love. If it's there in abundance, then the truth is probably that your DH feels your marriage is now so strong he can talk honestly about the less-than-ideal start to your relationship without fear of rocking the boat. If it isn't, however, be prepared to open up a whole new can of worms, which although scary, is always better to know about and deal with.

I think you need to talk about this, without feeling embarrassed for what you're feeling, and see where you go.

" 'yeah and I didn't even like you when we first started going out' it was like a body blow. "

I think you're quite right to be insulted. The past is the past and you can't change that. But if you're saddled with a man that thinks saying 'I didn't even like you' is at all an acceptable way to refer to you, then I can't help thinking it's the tip of the iceberg

The phrase is 'marry in haste, repent at leisure' for good reason. You had a frantic start, two children, marriage, mortgage and life tends to rattle past very quickly under those circumstances. If you've only just started to sit back and take stock of your relationship, maybe there are other things you're not really happy about and your rocky start is just one of them?

minnie both you and your relationship are insecure. It was horrible for your H to make that 'joke' and not discuss the reality of where you stand with each other. If he didn't like you at first, did he grow to love you? Does he adore you now? I would recommend individual counselling for you, as a first step to explore why you would be drawn to an ambivalent relationship. You could then explore whether the 'here and now' of your relationship is enough to meet your needs x

BTW.. if you've been together 10 years and had your first DC and mortgage soon afterwards... 2002, 2003?... how come it took until 2011 for you to get married? Not so much 'marry in haste' but 'get in a long-term relationship in haste'. You sound very grateful that he finally asked that I wonder if there's any element of you feeling like you were almost 'on probation' until you had the commitment. Possibly, it's only now that you feel 'safe' with a ring on your finger that you're able to analyse. Prior to that, maybe you felt too insecure to even ask the questions? Worried that, if you challenged him, he'd pull the rug from under your feet.

Ok a few things.yes I believe he does love me now, during the rough patch we w completely split and he made the move to come back, I had been so thoroughly hurt that I was not keen at all and he put a lot of work into making me trust him again, he agreed to actively try for a subsequent baby and he then married me. Whilst I believe that he is very much a 'things happen to me' kind of man, you can't make him DO anything he doesn't really want to. Cogito I hear what you are saying about marrying in haste but we'd been together almost 10 years when we married, not counting the time we were apart and although the beginning of the relationship was rushed I agree, since that point it had felt anything but.

I don't expect he thought the comments he made would have any effect on me as he pointed out the first time, he loves me now, so what does it matter how he felt 8,9,10 years ago? To me though it throws a different light in everything and maybe I am just looking for issues that aren't there and just need to work through it on my own, accept we have a good relationship now, which I'm sure we do and just get over it.

We were due to get married in 2007, he first proposed in 2006, I cancelled our wedding and split up with him. We got back together mid 2008 and he proposed again 2009, by the end of 2009 I was pregnant again so the wedding wasn't practical until 2011.

I don't think I felt on probation, but I did take him asking me as a sign that he wanted to be with me not just because I was the mother of his child, but because he wanted to be my husband and me his wife. I was young when we first got together, as was he, 19 & 21 respectively if that makes any difference.

It does matter how he felt 8 or 9 years ago! Of course it does because it's recent. Especially given the split, the hurt and all that 'work' in getting you to trust him again. Because what you've discovered is that not only did he let you down badly enough for you to split, when you got back together, despite what he said at the time, he's now saying he didn't actually like you that much at all. It's a contradiction that flies in the face of trust and which confirms your nagging doubts that he's only with you for other reasons.

Yes it makes a difference that you got together young. People change most between the ages of 18 and 30 and those who get together in late teens/early twenties can frequently find they grow in different directions over the next 10 years... not always with a positive outcome.

You started in the relationship in a very insecure position as a very young pregnant woman. You were 'looking for a sign' for the next five years or so that he wanted you as more than mother to his child. You were angry enough with him just five years ago (which is nothing at all) to split for a long time. Whatever you say about the relationship today, a man that says 'I didn't like you to start with' in front of other people and thinks it wouldn't be a kick in the guts .... is an arse.

I think when he says thebeginning of the relationship he means pre getting back together.

If someone with whom you have entered into an intimate relationship with tells you they didn't like you when they first met you, there may be a lingering fear that they could slip back to their default position at any time.

Does he realise how insensitive he's been in coming out with that statement in front of others?

I have a exceptionally good female friend who I met when we worked together about 20 years ago. She's quite a spiky, 'speak as I find' character and, being brutally honest, before I got to know her properly and appreciate her sense of humour I thought she was a PITA. Would I ever dream of telling her that now? No..... I would never be so crass as to hurt her feelings. Why can't he show you the same consideration?

This isn't a 'LTB' situations, incidentally... it's simply about asserting yourself and not having it taken for granted that insults can be lobbed your way with no consequence.

Neither time it was in front of others, the first time we talked we were on our own away for the weekend, and the second time was whilst we were out, had a few drinks on board and were chatting between ourselves. I think certainly the second time he thought I would take it in good humour and I didn't really disabuse him of that notion, I kind of half heatedly went haha and internalised it all. The first time was during a conversation about the rough patch we had, what preceded it and how it came about and my pressing him on whether he really understood the effect it had on me and how he felt about it. He was being honest with me and explaining that really, at the time he did not feel as much for me as I had thought, he cared about being there for our DD, not about me so much. The upshot of it being, all the while in the run up to the split I was anguished, unable to understand how he could hurt me if he loved me so much, when really, he didn't love me that much at all.

I do genuinely believe we have a different relationship now though so perhaps I just need to let go of my hang ups but talk to him and ask him not to refer to it as a joke because I struggle to find it anything other than very hurtful.

I think he means at the very start of your relationship.

He may have meant is as a joke. I often say to DH "I remember the days when you were fun. Well the day you were fun" if he is being grumpy. Or *ou must have done that with your other wife" when he is talking about a memory I have no recollection of.

Or he may have meant it, in a lighthearted way, as clearly he likes you now as he is married to you.

I think you are way way overthinking it.

Ps thank you all for your responses. It is really appreciated that you let me ramble on here.

I think you need to think about what YOU really want out of life. Whether what you have with him is going to be enough for you. You cant change the beginnings. I think youre projecting the way you feel about him, and making it about he feels about you. I dont think you completely trust that either of you truly love each other

Billy, I think you have a good point and we certainly have jokes like that as well, however I think it coming after he told me how he felt in an honest discussion in those early days it took on more significance to me. You might be right though and I am over thinking this too much as I suspect if we had never had the earlier conversation I would have responded very differently.

These are not hang-ups. I'm sorry but all of these 'honest' revelations about how he didn't feel that much for you in the run-up to a crisis that happened just five years ago are doing nothing for your confidence in either yourself or the relationship. I seriously question his motivation. To me it sounds less like reassurance or honesty and more - as izzyizin observed - a not so subtle way of keeping you on the back foot, worried it could all go wrong. Creating insecurity.

How would he react, do you think if you told him that you had serious doubts about him up until relatively recently... but you've since decided he's OK?

Thank you strumpet, I'm very sure that I do love him, I'm also pretty sure he feels the same way now, I just had so many hang ups in those early days, felt I was punching above my weight with him, was worried he felt trapped, scared we had moved too quickly etc, I thought we had gotten through all of that and had a secure loving relationship, had been reassured I was silly to feel like that, only to find that actually, no I was right. It has just brought up all of those old feelings of insecurity all over again, even though I know we have a different relationship now, one that has weathered and endured so much that if we don't love each other we'd be considered mad for continuing, especially when we had separated so effectively all those years ago.

You might be right cogito, I don't honestly know. That doesn't sound like my DH and unless instigated by me we would never have had that initial conversation as he prefers not to talk about it as he says he feels very guilty and ashamed if that time but I did/do want to talk about it as I feel it's important to understand what happened.

Oh and I think he would be very upset Cogito if I said that about him.

I am not surprised you were deeply hurt by what he said.

It was, after all, him that persuaded you to continue with the pregnancy which has meant a massive change in both your lives and commitment at a very young age. Did you have other plans like uni or travelling or, hell, just having fun? I'm not suggesting you should or do regret your dc, it's just a different life path than you would have chosen but for him? So it's huge that he now claims he didn't love or like you.

Then there's the rough patch you had... which left you feeling he didn't care and was only there for your dc.

Your insecurity is fully understandable.

I'd be concerned tbh that he has liked you to be insecure. Perhaps he's a push-you-pull-you kind of guy.