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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bathing the children after drinking vodka

95 replies

2atClaridges · 12/01/2013 07:27

this is driving me nuts Monday I come home from work and she's necked a bottle of vodka, the kids are in the bath and she's left the hot water running. They're both at the other end of the bath screaming cos its too hot. I get them out and dry them she's stumbling around like an idiot trying to push past me and tell me she's not pissed. While I'm dealing with the kids and trying to get her off my back I lash out and elbow her in the face, for fuck sake (this is a true representation of what happened please dont focus on the elbowing she was behind me grabbing my shoulder) trying to dry and calm them. rest of the week has been... less pissed than monday but every fucking day. every fucking day some little drink inspired disaster

OP posts:
AnAirOfHope · 12/01/2013 17:12

OP if you call ss they can fund a place at a local nursary for your children and get\fund the resources needed to get your wife the help she needs including rehab and counciling and help with the children.

Ss always try to help the parents and keep the family together. They are there to help please give them a call.

Its scaery at first but they will work with you to improve your situation.

It cant get much worse can it?

You sound like you need a brake too. Its hard rasing children and its worse if one of the parents needs help.

Your wife is an adult your children need you to step up and help them rigght now.

How can you go to work and worry what is happening at home or that feeling you get when the phone goes?

Your wife may have PND.and need help once she gets the help the drinking may stop.

Its ok to be angry about it all and we are here to help and listen BUT you cant be a lazy parent. Its not going to happen you need to be proactive. Parenting is a verb a doing work you activily have to parent and make decsions and take action.

Good luck xx

Fairenuff · 12/01/2013 17:19

I'm angry and i want this problem to go away I don't know where to start

Ok, practicalities then.

First things first, this will not go away. Your wife has an addiction and is not able to control the amount she drinks. When she drinks the children are at risk.

You can do nothing about your wife's drinking. That is down to her to sort out if she decides to do that. Whatever she says means nothing. If she wants to drink she will, if she doesn't she will seek help.

Your responsibility is to keep your children safe. You cannot leave them with her. She is not a responsible carer.

Do you want to ask for advice as to how best keep your children safe?

Everything else is secondary.

insancerre · 12/01/2013 17:22

OP, hope you are still reading. Please post something so that we know you have read the replies. I realise this thread won't make comfortable reading for you but we are trying to help you.

AnAirOfHope · 12/01/2013 17:23

Can you afford a nanny or live in au par?

AlienReflux · 12/01/2013 17:37

2At Wakey wakey,I'm really sorry if you haven't been given 'really quick and easy steps' to sorting this out, it's because there aren't any!!

Step up, do what you must to protect your children from, injury or death, it's coming, be sure of that, what are you going to do about it?

Letsmakecookies · 12/01/2013 18:44

I'd love to have someway of making it all go away as fast as possible with the minimum of fuss... cos I'm lazy.

Simple, leave your wife.

That is the only fast way of getting rid of the problem without fuss or effort.

Everything else involves a huge amount of effort on your part, and you seem to have your head buried firmly in the ground. And believe me I know how you feel, I lived with an alcoholic husband (past tense). But the only way you can protect your children or helping your alcoholic is to start reading some of these answers. You are enabling her and getting angry is not going to stop her. It will just give her more reason to not take responsibility and to drink.

But if you want to learn how to try and solve this then go to an Al Anon meeting and learn how.

With an alcoholic there is no magic wand, pill, or potion. There is nothing you can do or say to stop her. All you can do is learn how to look after yourself and your children. And they should be your number 1 priority. And just maybe if you confront her behaviour by whatever means - tell SS, tell all your family and friends, ask her to leave until she sorts herself out, maybe she might just listen. Might.

TheBrideofMucky · 12/01/2013 18:52

It must be horrendous for you but you have to do something, really you do, before something bad happens and / or it is taken out of your hands. How could you forgive yourself if one of them was injured or they were removed from your care and you knew all this could happen and did nothing?

missmapp · 12/01/2013 18:52

Leave the op alone.
My dad was an alcoholic and my mum loved him, wanted to look after us, but also wanted to help her husband, not ' rat him out' .

OP- Practical advice- find out the time and place of local support groups- alanon is great for supporting partners of alcoholics- try to get your wife to go to AA, that is what sorted my dad out

Try to prempt the 'danger ' moments when she drinks most- is it the end of the day, or any particular time- could you come home a tad earlier, or ask a friend to visit then, or emply a childminder or something similar for those times.

Give yourself a timelimit- this cannot go unchanged- be strict, if things dont improve, have a plan to kepp your dcs safe.

Good luck, it is hard.

BTW- my dad hasnt drunk for over 20 yrs now, and he and my mum are very, very happy together- it can be done.

Fairenuff · 12/01/2013 19:25

Give yourself a timelimit- this cannot go unchanged- be strict, if things dont improve, have a plan to kepp your dcs safe

And if they die in the meantime? Scalded to death in the bath? Or drowned?

Come on, wake up. Those children are in immediate danger. Doing nothing is not an option.

Letsmakecookies · 12/01/2013 19:45

missmapp no one is saying he can't love his wife and want to help her. But if she is the main carer for young children, this is no longer just about love is it? There are two separate issues, one is how to keep the children out of danger (supervised by a mother who has drunk a bottle of spirits, who are in the bath, being scalded) the second is how to "make" the alcoholic "better". The reason posters are being harsh, is because the children are deeply involved in this situation and the OP is seemingly unhappy about doing anything outside his comfort zone.

missmapp · 12/01/2013 19:54

But berating the op is not the way to help anyone- he needs support and understanding. Yes, the dc need to be made simple, but not every thing is black and white- there are ways to ensure this happens apart from phoning ss ( which the op has already said he won't do ) and grabbing the kids and walking out of the door, believe me, pushing some one at teh end of their tether is no help to anyone.

missmapp · 12/01/2013 19:54

made safe- not sure what happened there

DearPrudence · 12/01/2013 20:14

NSPCC, as someone insancerre posted above. You'll get practical advice there.

The 'lazy' comment will naturally get posters' backs up, when child safety is at stake.

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding · 12/01/2013 20:28

Have you tried calling on your parents or pil for help in looking after dc whilst you are at work?
You need to get her to A.A aswell asap.

If none of these are applicable, is there no way you can move out with the dc whilst she gets better or make her move out-could she not stay with her mother/father/aunt/sister??
Call on all your family & friends for support or failing that could you afford a childminder for the times you are not home?

If none of this is possible i then strongly suggest calling ss, maybe they could provide short term care whilst you are in work?

Please don't leave your dc alone with her, there could be an accident or even a tradgedySad

Fairenuff · 12/01/2013 21:01

grabbing the kids and walking out of the door, believe me, pushing some one at teh end of their tether is no help to anyone

It helps the children.

It keeps them safe. The bottom line is that their mother is a danger to them.

Yes, she needs help and there is a lot of help out there for her when she is ready to receive it.

But those children need help right now and their parents are not protecting them.

izzyizin · 12/01/2013 21:09

But those children need help right now and their parents are not protecting them

Is that black and white enough for you missmapp?

Lifeissweet · 12/01/2013 21:16

What bothered me, OP, was that taking time off work to deal with this situation was 'not feasible'. How can this be? What if you were hit by a car and had to not go into work? What if one of your children was badly scalded in a bath and ended up in hospital - how serious does a situation have to be for it to be 'feasible' for you to take time off work?

You saw your children in danger. If you had been any later you could well have ended up in A&E with your children.

You need to put everything else on the backburner and sort out your family. I'm sorry, but this is going to take effort and courage and strength - and if you listen to people on here you will get support and sound advice, but first you have to accept that this is as serious as it gets - and more important than your job.

missmapp · 12/01/2013 21:21

it is the op who needs support , not his wife. Yes, the children need protecting, but only the op can do this. screaming at him is no help to him. I was a child in the same situation as his dc and I am glad my dm was supported in getting help for us and my df rather than being given lectures from those who do not understand.

Lifeissweet · 12/01/2013 21:23

Yes - only the OP can protect his children - that's right. He has had advice about how to protect his children, but he doesn't seem to be listening, preferring to leave the children with their mother while he goes to work - despite knowing that she is capable of harming them. Surely you can understand why this is upsetting people. I think people are more than prepared to support the OP. I know I am, but he needs to accept that doing nothing is not an option.

CabbageLeaves · 12/01/2013 21:25

OP - you have your head in the sand and I'm sure it's pretty grim down there. This will get worse. Best face it head on I'm sorry to say.

You don't want to take the advice but you do need to.

BasicallySFB · 12/01/2013 21:27

Lots of good advice above.

Your poor DC :(

Lifeissweet · 12/01/2013 21:28

Of course this is a hideous situation, OP. It is screaming out in the tone of your OP that you are absolutely at the end of your tether. I am sympathetic. It's a terrible situation to be in - and I can also understand the feeling that it's an awful lot of pressure to be put under that you never asked for.

However, sometimes mopping brows and being emotionally supportive is not as helpful as some practical advice about the immediate problem. Picking up emotional pieces can wait until the defenceless children are safe.

missmapp · 12/01/2013 21:35

but the tone of some of the responses seem to have scared the op off, so he cannot take the advice given. he needs to be able to take advice, so needs support to do that.believe me, I don't mop brows, but people can't be helped if they back away from the thread. I know how serious this is, but I believe some earlier replies may have done more harm than good.

Lifeissweet · 12/01/2013 21:39

I see your point, Missmapp.

HardlyEverHoovers · 12/01/2013 21:45

So sorry for the situation you are in OP. I used to work with alcoholics and their families. I'm afraid most of the time I felt the family were best to leave and not live with the alcoholic, however hard that might be. Alcoholics drag everyone else down with them. And if she decides to get help, that will come from her, not you or anyone else talking her into it.
This is not even touching upon the danger your children seem to be in. I would go the CAB and ask them to advise you on the practical issues of getting you and kids rehoused. I'm not suggesting you leave your wife in the permanent sense if that's not what you want to do, but don't let her drag the family down. The stories of children of alcoholics are not pretty ones.

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