I would greatly appreciate some perspective on the following situation. Wife and I been together 16 years, married for 12, Kids 12 and 14. We haven?t had sex at all for the last 5 years but ? even more worrying ? she seems unable to reciprocate any kind of affection whatsoever. I hold her hand and I might as well be picking up a dead fish; put my arms round her and kiss her (affectionately, not sexually) and she suddenly develops an urgent desire to investigate a mark on the wall on the other side of the room. Occasionally on a weekend morning while we?re in bed I might put my hand on her arm and kiss her back or neck. She?s out the bed quicker than Usain Bolt would be. Other than this (and that?s a pretty massive ?other than this?), the relationship is good. There are no skeletons in the closet. Noone?s had an affair and there have been no major family traumas. She had minor depressive episodes but nothing heavy.
I?ve tried to discuss it (hopefully in a non-judgmental and non-threatening way ? I?ve certainly tried very carefully to make it so) many, many times. I?ve got nowhere. It makes her terribly uncomfortable. Typical conversation features exchanges such as:
Can you tell me what the problem is?
Sorry ? I don?t know.
Am I doing something you aren?t comfortable with?
No.
How can I help to try and make this work better?
I don?t know.
After a while she?ll often get defensive, e.g.
Why do you always expect me to solve all the problems? How should I know?
Another tactic is to completely change the drift of the conversion with observations that look suspiciously like red herrings, e.g.
We?re too on top of each other ? you work at home and it?s suffocating. (not really ? I do work at home but her work takes her out most of the time. Also I work two floors up on the other side of the house ? during the day often neither of us knows if the other is in)
You need to see your friends more often. (Well, maybe, maybe not ? what?s this got to do with us being intimate?)
Well, I?m worried about the damp in the kitchen (I?m not making this up).
Sex for the first 2-3 years was ok. If I?m honest, not great ? compared to previous partners she?s pretty inhibited and quite unadventurous. But it was ok nevertheless. About ten years ago (2 young children) it got pretty bad. We?d have sex fairly infrequently and it was the ?doing me a favour? kind of sex ? she?d let me get on with it but she wasn?t really involved. Frequently she wouldn?t want to kiss at all (?you?re stubbly? ? even though I?d shaved an hour earlier). She?d often do this odd thing where she would put her arm round my neck, pull my head into her chest and pretty much clamp it there. I?d end up flailing around like an upturned turtle ? not my idea of ideal foreplay. I put it down to usual loss of libido post-childbirth (she concurred when I asked) and assumed it would improve. Mistake.
From the time when we completely stopped having sex I have never actually tried to initiate it. Since even my attempts to maintain a warm, affectionate, tactile relationship are fairly comprehensively rejected ? there seemed little point. We do get on well and despite the immense physical problems, we still enjoy each other?s company. However, I can?t see myself staying in this brother/sister relationship indefinitely but I am somewhat at a loss as to what to do. Obviously counselling may be possible but since she stonewalls my attempts at discussion I don?t see this happening.
I?d appreciate any thoughts or perspectives about what might be going on inside her head. I often wonder if she?s suffered a traumatic event at some point in her life but there?s certainly nothing I?m aware of. Where can I start?