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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

how would you react?

31 replies

liverLadyLass · 12/01/2013 01:58

a while ago my DH and I argued over money, and it turned out that I had no final say whatsoever in the money matters as I didn't bring it into the house or deal with it so he would always have the final say over what and were the money goes to. the reason for the argument was that i needed clothes and underwear, was told I would have to wait but in the same breath he then told me he was buying dd who's four a quad and painting it pink for her, which was a nice only thing is because of the winter would not get to use it? he didn't agree and as I said its sitting in the garage and hasn't turned a wheel since he bought it. I felt his prioritys were wrong, he had said in the past about the money he earns is both our money as I stayed home to raise the kids and didn't work , for the first time felt like I was k

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Original poster

liverLadyLass · 12/01/2013 02:05

continued....

felt like for the first time that was a a load of bollocks,
and that's what created the argument,

then not long ago I asked him for his secure password to pay for something from his card and the password he kept giving me was wrong, at the time I felt he didn't want me knowing it...
as when he uses it he never has a problem with the password.

then tonight I feel I've just confirmed it...
he does not trust me with the money?
I had asked him for the password do I could buy a card and flowers from moon pig for my friend who's just had a massive op,,
he gave me the cards, when I asked for the password he asked how much it was in which I told him, I put in the letters he told me twice and nothing,,
I had said to try and remember we're he then got peed off as h

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Original poster

liverLadyLass · 12/01/2013 02:07

as he wanted to watch a movie, and I was disturbing him,
I'd asked him if he could remember I'd get it done and I could stop bothering him... he the told me he'd forgotten the first cards password?
so why did he HIV

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Greensleeves · 12/01/2013 02:11

I'm sorry to say that your dh is a controlling, selfish arse

For me, he would have to submit to a sensible, grown-up discussion about money and roles, which would have to feature an apology for having his head in the Dark Ages and an undertaking to do things completely differently from now on.

And you need to split the responsibility for managing bills and expenses and ensure that you both have access to whatever funds there are, all the time.

If he is unable to shape up and show some fucking respect, well, that would be the end of the marriage for me.

Original poster

liverLadyLass · 12/01/2013 02:16

sorry this phone has a mind of its own and keeps posting itself??

anyway,,,
I asked why give me a card to use when he didn't know the password?
he got peed of at me says its not difficult? wtf?
so try's the other card and that doesn't work either, but says to give it to him and he'll do it that he trying to watch a movie, it's not difficult, I told him I felt he didn't. want me to know the password or wanted me to buy the present he slams the remote on the floor and he says no he didn't that it was far to much to spend on my friend for a card and flowers, that I was a bully?
wtf?
because I was disturbing his movie and spending 27 quid on my friend I'm a fecking bully,
how can I be a bully by asking my hubby to press pause and help me with something?

I told him to shove it up his arse that I will get it myself tomorrow,
is it me or am I missing something?

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BelleDameSansMerci · 12/01/2013 02:22

I think his attitude stinks. Why don't you have your own card for a joint bank account?

Original poster

liverLadyLass · 12/01/2013 02:29

hi green,
he feels because he's the one who works and brings in the money and pays the bills that he has the final say with it...
I went on a bit I'm sorry I am just so angry with him..
he'd said in the past argument coz we know what your like? which was hilarious as I've never spent any money without him knowing how much or were its going to. he's said in the past he likes to be careful and know we're the money was going to which was/is fine! but that? no way!

anytime I would have money and come back he would always want to know how much I've spent and I always had my suspicions but my suspicions just keep getting made to becoming true?

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Original poster

liverLadyLass · 12/01/2013 02:32

hi belle,
we do have a joint account but my card is in his wallet as we were away and when I asked him were his wallet was so I could use mine he couldn't remember we're it was either...
and that when I'd said he doesn't trust me with the money or password.. I am so angry with him

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Greensleeves · 12/01/2013 02:34

If he can't trust you enough to treat you as an adult and an equal, then I would be ending the marriage tbh

It's not acceptable to treat your spouse in this way. The relationship should be an equal partnership. He's an idiot.

Original poster

liverLadyLass · 12/01/2013 02:41

does he have a point tho?
he works, paying and dealing with the bills and I take care of the home and kids electric and gas and car.
I am annoyed at his behaviour over it, he could at least give me the two seconds and I'd of been out his hair and he'd of got to watch the movie, but know I think that was just to cover up him not wanting me to buy it.
but doesn't have the balls to tell me the truth,
am I being a bully? he said I'm bulling him into doing it now! ? that if I want something it had to be now?

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PiccadillyCervix · 12/01/2013 02:44

dump him. at the very least get yourself a job and your own money

PiccadillyCervix · 12/01/2013 02:48

no he hasn't got a point. I'm a sahp, I buy what I want unless its super expensive and then dh and I discuss it. He also discusses major purchases with me. money is totally equal in our house, and we both get equal say

Damash12 · 12/01/2013 02:56

Wow, I can't believe you are asking these questions about yourself? He is totally in the wrong and you are being treated very badly. How I read this it seems he doesn't want you seeing what had gone OUT of the account, what HE has been spending money on and not about what you are wanting to spend on. Marriage = partnership = 50/50 decision making over everything in my eyes and you should be able to have whatever you need. You have bought up the kids, his job is to support and provide for all of you. If this is a joint account, I would ring the bank and get a new card of your own and I'd also be checking what the spending on the account looks like but you may unearth other issues. Seriously, this is wrong and I would not tolerate it. Good luck x

Original poster

liverLadyLass · 12/01/2013 03:03

I'm a full time mum of an nine and four year old, and I'm at night college studying as I can't fit it in anywhere else during the day, I'm doing this if I'm honest to bring in the same money as him to feel equal, to have as much of a say, but that'll take some three years before I star earning,, I've had such a reality kick up the arse these past few years, no I don't feel an equal and I want to,, just because I don't work doesn't mean I have no say over it? he could of left the quad to a later date and let me get what I needed, but instead didn't and left me feeling selfish,
why shouldn't I spend 27 quid on my friend? ok if we are skint which we are not shouldn't he of said so instead of behaving.the way he did,, I watched everything I said too, made sure I was t speaking loudly etc,,

I feel because his mother is an uncontrollable spender that its in his mind to make sure I don't become the same,,

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izzyizin · 12/01/2013 03:08

I suspect he didn't give you the correct password because he didn't want you to know how much is in the account in case you ask for something unreasonable, such as clothing/underwear for yourself

He's a tightwad and, if I were you, I'd be looking to see how many other bank/savings accounts he's got up and running.

If he's able to recall the password(s) later today or whenever you are able to gain access to the account, be sure to check withdrawal/transfers to see if any sums have been siphoned off into another account.

FWIW, IMO £27 is not an unreasonable sum to spend on a friend who's had a major op and I'm surprised it doesn't cost considerably more to send a card and flowers.

Original poster

liverLadyLass · 12/01/2013 03:26

it was a straight forward payment over the Internet with a password protection before the payment goes through, it also stops hackers too,
I wouldn't of seen it but you have given me a thought as to just check it anyway just in case,
I don't think so,
but I do think he does not want me to now the exact money that's there in case I get the urge his mother has constantly,,, thing is I'm always saying how sorry I feel his dad having to work harder to because of her spending!

I've never ever spent money without speaking about it first?
I'm sick of being judged by his mums actions

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Lovingfreedom · 12/01/2013 07:39

Red lights all over this. He buys you DD a quad bike presumably without discussing with you. says you can't afford underwear for yourself. So he is saying that you don't matter...you are not worth spending money on even for basics.

he resents spending time helping you help a friend in hospital because he wants to watch a film and accuses you of bullying him. Again you don't matter, your friends and how you care about them is not a priority. calling you a bully is him playing head games.

he is withholding your own credit card and not allowing you access to shared finance. remember, if you were to separate you would be entitled in law to a fair share of all marital assets. it doesn't matter who earns the money, it all belongs jointly to the marriage partnership. he is being unacceptably controlling here.

' forgetting' passwords is dishonest and a petty tactic to keep you in your place by not letting you or making it difficult for you to buy something.

telling you that it is simple and implying that you are stupid for not being able to do it is gaslighting. of course you can't do it without the right password. nobody can. it's another way of putting you down while making himself important and powerful.

I would seriously consider putting together a plan to end this relationship. your DH sounds very controlling, a bully and you will feel so much better if you get away from him.

Good luck. x

TisILeclerc · 12/01/2013 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovingfreedom · 12/01/2013 07:52

His mother's spending is an excuse. your husband wants you to know that you are bottom of the pile, that you need his permission to spend any money and that you are much less important than him. you are looking for a reasonable explanation for his behaviour and there isn't one. Sorry but this is clear from your post. is he controlling in other ways too? Withholding and/or demanding sex perhaps....making it difficult for you to see your friends and family....etc.

TisILeclerc · 12/01/2013 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/01/2013 09:37

"he feels because he's the one who works and brings in the money and pays the bills that he has the final say with it... "

'Financial Abusers' always feel like this. Family money is family money and you are joint head of the family. You need to insist on full disclosure of all accounts, passwords and full access to cards. You are not his mother. He is using that as an excuse.

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA · 12/01/2013 10:12

I watched everything I said too, made sure I was t speaking loudly etc

This is a concern too. Do you walk around on eggshells with just this issue or other things too?

Also, if he won't give you your card just phone up and get a new one with a new password and don't ever give it to him to look after.

ImperialBlether · 12/01/2013 11:53

LeClerc, I am SO glad that man is your ex.

Original poster

liverLadyLass · 12/01/2013 12:04

he's very giving also. it's only every now and then he gets like this, we have everything we need and don't do without, he gives me £300 a week and with that shopping, gas, electric and everyday living comes out of that, and the rest of the bills he pays without me even seeing, not my choice, but I didn't complain either, he took that roll and I took mine,
his argument is that he nows what we have and I don't,,, maybe I should start seeing what we have and deal with every bill?
we have a small business and he puts our bills in with the businesses and they all get done together,

I didn't feel he could be bothered to help me as he didn't want me spending that amount on a person,he sees it as a waste and I can get it cheaper, is he right here?
but in that sense he should of discussed it with me, I feel his decision is final,

but I understand also the kids thing,,
my son stopped listening to me as my DH said I ’went on' and he knew why, like his mum,i went on and he was fair and thats why my son doesnt listen to me, thing was my son didn't even listen to the first line Hence the going on as I was ignored,, I believed I went on, I did but that was why,
it's gotten now that anytime i give my son a row for something my DH will jump in and tell me that's enough, and know my son is telling me I'm not listening to you but his dad, I've asked DH to speak to him over it two days ago but he's still too,
my son was on the plane and asked my dd did she want sweats I asked my son did he ask his dad first as I knew I'd not been asked, he said yes and carried on asking her, I asked him again as I knew he had not, he said I'm not asking you I'm asking my dad, I was fuming,, I told my son for his cheak he wasn't getting the sweats and for lying to me he wasn't getting anymore for the rest of the flight,, I'd asked DH if son asked him and he had no clue what I was meaning,, I. asked my son who I was and he replied, I told him he was correct and what ever I say goes also as well as his dad's, cruel as its not his fault really but I had to make him understand my place as his parent also.

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Original poster

liverLadyLass · 12/01/2013 12:11

he says what ever money we have is ours, that its 50/50, and always has,
he says I should just trust him if he says we don't have it, which I have done,

I don't feel he's controlling in a nasty way, I just think its down to problems that he had with his mum and if anything remotely links to how she was it triggers something in him to react the way he does,

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dequoisagitil · 12/01/2013 12:23

He is controlling in a nasty way.

He's undermining you with the dc, so they ignore you and have no respect for you. Nasty.
He is revenging himself on you because of his mother. Nasty.
Denies you access to money as it pleases him. Nasty.
Gets angry & verbal with you to shut you up. Nasty.
Passive-aggressive with you. Nasty.

And anyway, he doesn't have the right to control you even if it were in a benign and loving way. You're an adult, the mother of his dc and deserve better.

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