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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want him to love me, but I don't love him

11 replies

OldCatLady · 12/01/2013 00:00

Okay, so I do this thing where I make a guy fall in love with me, and once I have them, I end it. Maybe I enjoy the attention? Maybe it's the challenge? I don't know.

But now I can see myself doing in with a long term friend. We used to 'date' ( aka sleep together) a few years ago, and he fell in love with me and I broke his heart right on cue. Now I'm doing it again. I get really annoyed and upset if he talks about other girls, and I'm super flirty with him. I don't fancy him at all, but I expect and want him to fancy me. I don't mean to hurt people, and I don't know how to stop. Or why I do this.

Any ideas??

On reflection, all the boyfriends I've had that have been super nice, I have ended up dumping. All the ones who in hindsight were idiots, ended it with me. What is wrong with me!!

OP posts:
VBisme · 12/01/2013 00:05

I hope you don't find the question insulting but how old are you?

It sounds like attention seeking behaviour, but if you're hurting friends then this will probably be impacting on your self esteem.

Have you thought about counselling?

Casmama · 12/01/2013 00:10

You make it sound like you have no control over your behaviour and no awareness of how you are behaving until after the fact. Is that how you feel?

Original poster
OldCatLady · 12/01/2013 00:14

Reading back my post I sound about 16, I'm honestly not, I'm in my mid 20's. Probably didnt word it very well.

Part of me wonders whether its me trying to seek some kind of unconditional love that I never felt from my parents. But then it doesn't make sense to me that I then end it.

Part of me wonders whether its me trying to take control of a relationship, because I was abused in my teens.

Part of me wonders whether I'm just a selfish bitch who enjoys hurting others.

I don't know, I should probably stop posting and go to bed, because I am tired and confused. I had counselling in my teens and it was a total nightmare. I'm not sure I could do it again!

OP posts:
Original poster
OldCatLady · 12/01/2013 00:16

Yes casmana, that's how it feels. I don't sit and plan what I'll do or think 'I know, I'll make him love me' it just sort of happens. And I only know I'm doing it this time is because this friend said to me I'm acting the same as I did when we first met, which is when I did this to him the first time.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/01/2013 00:32

At the back of your mind, don't you worry you'll end up on your own at this rate? Which is no bad place to be and if you prefer to play the field, that's fine, but if you should lose your heart eventually, I think your judgment is skewed. How could you sustain a rewarding relationship? What put you off counselling before?

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 12/01/2013 00:35

OK, you're aware that your behaviour is not very nice, because you are hurting other people when you have the option of leaving them alone. Next step is to stop dating completely and look into some counselling to work out where this behaviour is coming from. The thing is with counselling - sometimes it takes two or three goes to find the right counsellor for you... and some counsellors are in fact rubbish.
You mention feeling unloved by your parents and experiencing abuse - it could be partly down to a desire to punish 'men' for what was done to you, which is understandable but not really acceptable. It could also have something to do with the pressure on people, particularly women, to form and maintain couple-relationships and to be desired, when in fact you may not really want to have a relationship right now, or at all. Being part of a couple is not compulsory, being single is fine, particularly in your 20s, which is the time of your life to discover who you are and what you want.

Dryjuice25 · 12/01/2013 00:58

Sorry, just been reading Great Expectations for the 20th time and just wanted to say dont be like Estella/Miss Havisham....

Its nasty, its cold and very destructive to the recepients of this behaviour. It will not end well. I magine yourself at the other end and you can stop this childish and calculated behaviour. Good luck

Damash12 · 12/01/2013 03:17

You need to grow up, sorry to be blunt but you have issues you need to deal with that need to be done away from this poor guy. If you are any kind of friend you would stop contact with him and let him move on. You are seeking control and if you don't stop it/ resolve why now, you will end up very lonely later on and in really poor rubbish relationships that are all about drama but not love.

HilaryClinton · 12/01/2013 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Partypopper · 12/01/2013 23:43

You're only wee! I don't think you need to be battered into being a proppa grown up yet.

You're asking for advice, and mine is to try to be honest and kind in your relationships as an ideal. But in reality, just go with it and LEARN; I reckon what you're describing is all part of feeling your way in relationships. Really there is plenty of time to be stable and 'happy' when you know what makes you tick.
My guess is you're going to get advice from a lot I people who haven't been 'selfish' like you, but are in dysfunctional relationships for whatever reason. Basically, log off and enjoy the visceral beauty of your 20s before you get any Mn fundamentalists on here...

Beehive21 · 13/01/2013 00:14

never nice to hurt anyone for whatever reason- especially ego

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