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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my husband playing away?

26 replies

conway · 11/01/2013 20:37

Husband out a lot with work and also friends and tonight I did some snooping as things not going too well. I found a pack of condoms in a jacket pocket. The exp date is 2012.(un-opened)
I found some about 14 years ago in a toilet bag but when i comfronted him he said they were old ones before we were married. ( we have been married 16 years) so I believed him.
Don't want to confront him as he wil know I have been snooping and I know he will deny it anyway.

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 11/01/2013 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
conway · 11/01/2013 20:48

no we don't use them

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 11/01/2013 20:53

This reply has been deleted

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Bubblegum78 · 11/01/2013 20:55

It does look suspicious, also he is your husband, you know him better than anyone, trust your instincts. x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/01/2013 20:55

The real problem is not the condoms but that there's no trust in your relationship & things haven't been going too well. Try to be specific about what it is that hasn't been going well and bring back to mind anything that has felt wrong recently but which you've dismissed as trivial. Then confront him because you'll have a lot more to talk about than condoms.

AloeSailor · 11/01/2013 20:55

A 2012 date would have been bought 3years ago.

Fairenuff · 11/01/2013 21:00

Who cares if he knows you snooped. You are concerned. What reason could he have for keeping condoms?

badinage · 11/01/2013 21:12

If you confront him, you'll probably get some old bollocks about a mate putting them there for a joke, or he read somewhere about posh wanks but hasn't got around to it - anything but the truth.

I don't think someone has condoms lying around in a toiletry bag for 2 years either so I shouldn't think this is a new problem.

Find more evidence on his phone before confronting, because on this evidence alone I think he'll lie.

ProphetOfDoom · 11/01/2013 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
conway · 11/01/2013 21:21

Before christmas he was out such a lot,but put this down to christmas parties and now he knows that I am not too happy about his going out and drinking he has been extra nice.
I have also found out that he earns more money than I thought( by snooping again). He makes me pay for one son's school fees and he pays for the other. I find it a real struggle and always have to dip into my savings.
When I told him it was a struggle for me he said he couldn't afford to pay them, which seems strange as we have paid off our mortgage.

OP posts:
badinage · 11/01/2013 21:31

This doesn't sound like a marriage I'm afraid. What do you want to do?

Original poster
conway · 11/01/2013 21:34

I know in my heart we should separate but so worried how it would affect the kids.

OP posts:
badinage · 11/01/2013 21:39

Yeah but you can't stay in a marriage just for the kids and marriages like this aren't good for them anyway, are they?

Have you been having sex? Might be best to go for a check up, especially as the condoms were unused.

Fidelia · 11/01/2013 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hestonbloomingdale · 11/01/2013 22:16

Is he playing away? With condoms that are out of date I would say actively probably not. Does he want to or would he if the opportunity arose, I would say probably.

I have had condoms in an old toilet bag that are older than three years so that indicates nothing on its own imo.

Do not react immediately, do some discrete investigation of emails/texts.

Original poster
conway · 11/01/2013 22:22

Thanks for all your help. Blackberry he uses for work is on him constantly and I don't know the password so can't get on it.
Phone shows nothing abnormal.
Sex is infrequent now but about 3 years ago he started doing different things!
He has been very critical in the past but at the moment is been super nice but he knows I am not that happy with our relationship and he may have seen that I have been looking up solicitors on the internet.

OP posts:
arthriticfingers · 11/01/2013 22:47

Another condom thread? Hmm

hatgirl · 11/01/2013 22:55

confront him with a fake STI?

Don't, thats a really bad idea and will only end badly but it would certainly mean you find out one way or another.

It is someone he has met at work. Spill something on his blackberry and have it out of action for a while? See what happens?

Ergh I'm a nice person really but have been cheated on by pretty much anyone I have ever been with and after about the 5th time I started dreaming up good ways to get even.

Original poster
conway · 11/01/2013 23:08

Thanks will definitely try the fake STI. I have decided to go to the clinic anyway to make sure. Hope it is only a fake one.
Am also off to my solicitor next week for a free half an hour so feel strangely empowered that I am doing something constructive.
Off to bed now

OP posts:
hatgirl · 11/01/2013 23:12

I really wouldn't recommend the fake STI - if he isn't cheating (but it sounds like he is) then you look like a psycho.

Accidentally drop his Blackberry in the sink/ bath or just 'lose it' if he leaves it lying around and then watch the fallout. Offer to lend him yours to put the sim in until he gets a new one...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/01/2013 08:41

The problem really is trust. The money, the condoms, the different sex (often a bad sign) ... possibly other things. You don't have to stoop to subterfuge to have a conversation with him about any of this and judge his reaction. Even if lying is his default setting he will know that you are on to him. If you're worried about the effect on the children either emotionally or financially then get some information. Assumptions can be wrong and give false justification for pretending everything is OK & doing nothing.

Fairenuff · 12/01/2013 10:35

The other problem is that there is no equality in this relationship. He has money that he kept secret from you whilst you struggle financially. He goes out a lot even when you would rather he didn't. You don't trust him and are suspicious and snooping around.

That's not a relationship. Either he is in it 100% or he's not. If he's not willing to even try then there is no way you can sort it out on your own.

ImperialBlether · 12/01/2013 11:47

It's appalling that you are struggling financially and he is not. Really, really awful.

Affairs can happen for a number of reasons, but financial abuse only happens for one reason - the person is an entitled, selfish twat who doesn't give a damn about the person they are abusing.

dequoisagitil · 12/01/2013 11:54

And following on from ImperialBlether's point about financial abusers being selfish entitled twats - that sense of selfishness & being entitled will likely apply in sexual matters too.

It's very wrong that you struggle financially, while he's alright.

Original poster
conway · 12/01/2013 14:13

Thanks for all your help. I am going to try and get some sleep now as didn't sleep at all last night.
We are going out for a romantic meal tonight as husband trying really hard as knows that I am ubhappy. Not ready to confront him yet so it will be a real strain trying to keep it altogether and pretend things are ok.
Also he has booked us a lovely for July so is really trying hard and is infact beeen super nice.

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