Think I have annoyed my Mum

[blueteddy]

Since starting my thread about how annoyed I am getting regarding my Mum favouring DS1 over DS2 & reading the replies which confirmed I was not over reacting, I decided to do something about it.
I told her on Sunday that I didn't want DS1 staying overnight at her house anymore unless DS2 could also stay - not expecting her to have them both, but stated that it was only fair that he had his turn of staying with her too. (She frequently has DS1(6) to stay overnight, but never takes DS2(3))
She got quite funny & said to DS1 "Well, looks like you can't stay with me then."
I explained that I didn't say he couldn't stay, but that DS2 is of an age where he is noticing & I felt it was only fair that he didn't get left out. She then went all quiet on me.
Today she was going to pick DS1 up from school, but said she decided not to because he will only want to stay & is not allowed to.
Once again I explained that it is not that he is not allowed to stay, but that they are treated equally & DS2 gets a turn too, as he loves to see his Nanny just as much as DS1.
She said she will not have them both at the same time (fair enough) & if she has DS2 on his own it will upset DS1!
She has NEVER worried about DS2 getting upset on the many occasions that she has only taken DS1.
She went quiet & huffy on me again. I think I have really got her back up by saying this, but I cannot let it continue, as I would hate for DS2 to feel pushed out.
I haven't been to hard have I?

No.

She has to see that it's not fair - you have to make her see.

And if she doesn't like it - well, it's her who will be upset - the alternative is that your DS2 is upset and that's not acceptable.

nope, same as any two year old, keep calmly saying the same thing over and again and she will get the message

No, you haven't, she's sulking, just like a child, and trying to find a lever. Treat it as you would any undesirable behaviour from your own kids.

snap!

No you haven't been too hard blueted. She is probably been all huffy because she has been "caught out" re her favouritism. Sit it out and hopefully she will come round.

do you think that ds1 would understand if you explained to him? maybe that way you can save him getting hurt by Grandma's silly remarks - who knows maybe he will even tell her he thinks it is fair if they both get a turn at her house too?!

She wants DS1 because he is so much easier & I know he is her favourite.
I appreciate that DS2 is harder work, as he is at the strop & tantrum age, but he gets just as excited about visiting her & he asks where DS1 is when he stays at her house.
I would feel happier if she didn't take either of them, than to leave out poor DS2 all the time.
You are right - she does act like a child & I will not be made to feel like the bad guy here!

I did have a little word with DS1 on Sunday regarding all this. I just said that it wasn't really fair that he always stayed there & that DS2 didn't. He seemed to accept it ok at the time.

blueteddy, I remember the previous thread and no I don't think you've been too hard. Her preference seems to be so marked that as a concerned mum you had to do something about it.

Is there any way you could arrange for the boys to 'take turns'? OK, she won't have them both at once but would she have DS1 one week, then DS2 have his turn the next? That way she still gets time alone with them and neither of them miss out.

I also think it's quite a nice way of bonding your boys if you see what I mean. My bro and I were very close as kids and would not have stood for one of us 'missing out' - we felt quite protective of eachother. So if your DS1 has to stop staying over, you could make sure that you think he's being a lovely, protective older brother, making sure that DS2 isn't upset. Obviously you know them and whether this is likely!

But you've done the right thing.

agree that you've done the right thing, it's a difficult situation but I think you had no option if ds2 does actually want to go there.

No you haven't and it was very unkind of her to make those remarks to your ds1!!!

SM, I suggested that the boys take it in turns to stay at her house & that is when she said that DS1 wouldn't like it if DS2 stayed & he didn't. It didn't seem to matter to her that DS2 might be feeling pushed out due to DS1 always staying there.
DS1 has stayed with her since being a baby, but I can count on one hand the amount of times DS" has stayed with her.
It wasn't quite such an issue when DS2 was very little, as he was too young to understand, but now he is noticing & it is not fair.
He went into his room to wake him up last time he stayed & said "Where's DS1? Is he at Nanny's?"
I have to put a stop to it now!

Yeah, you are right. Best to get it sorted sooner rather than later before it turns into a bigger issue and causes resentment.

No, not all. You are so right to put a stop to it before your DS2 gets hurt, confused and possibly jealous.

That is my worry - that DS will feel hurt & pushed out, as my Mum went through a stage of favouring my sister over me, when we were children & I remember how much it used to upset me - I don't want my own DS to go through the same.
It is becoming more & more obvious how much DS1 is her special one & it is upsetting.
On Sunday we were round there & she put on a video of us on holiday in America a few years back & every time DS1 appeared, she came out with comments like "There's my boy, isn't he handsome, oh bless him" etc
The only comments I picked up on about DS2 were "Oh he is a little bugger, he is a real boy, oh he has got a temper on him."
As I said, DS2 is harder work atm, but he is also a real cutie with loads of characture & I want him to be as loved & special by his grandparents as his brother is.
She may well sulk & feel wounded for a while, but it is said now & will hopefully put a stop some of this.