This was what I posted here back in April last year about trusting my DH.

[Ormiriathomimus]

"I don't see what the alternative is.

I'm married to the man. Have been for nearly 20ys. We have 3 kids. If he's going to shaft me, he's going to shaft me . If I don't trust him I might as well walk away. "

3 months before I found out he was in fact having an affair.

Ha! The irony.

But strangely I want to be that way again. I am working my way back to that - because if I can't be that trusting I won't want to be married. I guess I will just have a little bit more steel in me that if he does anything like that again I will find it easier to boot him out.

Yes, people always say how can you trust again? I am about 4 or 5 years post DH affair, and I still don't 100% trust him and most likely never will. For me I guess 100% trust is something that was lost to us. But I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it or checking up on him. But like you, would find it much easier to just decide to boot him out if it happened again.

People 100% trust people all the time who don't warrant that trust, and others don't completely trust people who do. Orm, i remember all that and and i hope you're okay. you took a horrible hit. it took you a long time to get strong. I hope you still are.

My best friend has just called me to tell me she has discovered her partner of 20 years has been having an affair. He's not admitted it but the evidence is strong. She is so trusting, a 100 percenter. Some of the things she's told me about him working away etc have seemed strange and I must admit I did half suspect. I'm so sad for her, crying into the pasta I'm making for tea. My poor lovely friend, she is such a lovely person. I want to make it all better for her, she's so hurt :(

It's possible to get there, my wife had an affair 8 years ago. It took me a long time to trust her again. Don't think I'll ever trust her 100% but I do 99%

I no longer have blind trust in my DH and personally think its not a bad thing to happen. Although I trust him again, I now trust my instincts more.

I don't expect to have blind trust. I know that is gone. But I am looking forward to ditching the sudden unreasonable lurch of my heart out of the blue when he's later home than usual, or when he pops out to the shops unexpectedly. He always reassures me when I tell him I'm worried but I'd like to avoid it in the first place.

Orm - I think in your case the fact that your DH still works in the same place as OW must make it harder not to feel that horrible lurch.

My DH has changed a lot of things in order to address his vulnerabilities and establish boundaries - for example he no longer socialises with the group of friends that OW was part of and he does not use FB anymore.

It's only when you stop caring that you stop feeling. Why would you want to be married to someone you don't care about?

I remember your threads Orm, you were brave and hurt and fighting. Since then, on other people's threads, when they are asking for advice, I always notice when you respond. Hard won knowledge sadly.

Call it complacency but like you and the majority, I tend to trust until I have reason to know otherwise. So long together - then the bombshell last summer, but less than a full year ago so it does not surprise me you are not back to how you felt. I don't know if you'll ever feel 100% rock steady but suspect that as you are still with him now, you have weathered sufficient to think he is worth staying with and know you are entitled to the best of what he can offer. And if you are wary and he has to work harder than he did before, so be it.