Feeling very low.

[HairOfTheDog]

I'm sorry if this is trivial but I could really do with some words of wisdom. Eight months ago I left my physically and emotionally abusive DP after five years together. I had totally reached rock bottom by the time I left, I cannot describe how bad I felt about myself at the time thanks to his constant bullying, the violence and his cruel manipulation. The final straw was when he tried to slam my head in a door after a particularly vicious outburst and I literally left the next day when he was at work. I walked away with nothing - I had lost all my friends as I wasn't 'allowed' out (and on the rare occasion I did my 'D'P would accuse me of cheating and be very aggressive), I left the home we shared and moved in with a relative, and my self esteem was in tatters. I went through a very dark period after this where I truly hated myself, constantly believed I was to blame for the way my ex treated me and contemplated suicide. He was very angry when I left and harassed me for a long time so I ended up getting a non molestation order out on him which gave me some peace of mind.

Fast forward to now and I have slowly started to rebuild my life with the help of AD's and therapy as i was diagnosed with clinical depression after the break up. I have hobbies and have made a couple of friends but I still feel very fragile.

But something happened this morning that has tipped me over the edge. I work part time in a big city and when I got off the train at the main station I saw XP with his new girlfriend. I was totally shocked as I have actively spent the past eight months avoiding him and yet there he was, slap bang in front of me with his new girlfriend. They were holding hands and laughing; it hurt like hell to see that. I hadnt seen him since the break up and I have constantly been looking over my shoulder for fear of bumping into him. I even changed my job so that I would be working in a different part of the city from where he works but for some reason he was in that part of town today.

He didn't see me (I don't think) but I felt really upset to see him with someone else. I know that sounds very juvenile as it is normal for people to move on after a breakup but seeing them looking so happy just floored me. I also feel angry that he put me through hell and yet he has carried on with his life and I have struggled to even exist, let alone live. It has also brought up those feelings of wondering if i was to blame for his behaviour towards me? He seemed so happy with his new girlfriend and I can't imagine he would treat her the same way he did me.

I am so sorry that this is self pitying and trivial compared to what other people go through but I just feel lost and keep thinking 'what is the point?' I really feel so lonely and came home from work early as I was struggling to keep my emotions in check. I am trying to be positive but there is a small part that wants to end it all. I am scared and just want to be the person I was before I met him but I fear that I will never get back to that

Sorry this is long. If anyone has been in a similar situation I would really appreciate your views and advice. Thanks so much.

OP, I completely sympathise. Two years after I terminated a pregnancy because the man who had promised to love and cherish me had posted me a cheque to 'clear things up' he bounded up to me in the middle of Selfridges and asked how I was. I walked away holding tight to the shreds of my dignity but fell apart afterwards. I thought I was ok, I thought I'd dealt with it but seeing him was dreadful.

I coped by focussing on how far I'd come, accepting that it was a random meeting and nothing to do with what had happened and where I was in my life then.

He is part of your past, you have a future and you are living that future. He is no part of it, don't let him in.

x

Oh Hairof, it's not trivial at all.

Self-centred, abusive, narcissistic people leave a great deal of damage in their wake. But they move on quickly and seamlessly because they care about no-one but themselves. Why should they be upset? Nothing is bothering them. Your life may be trashed, but they don't give 2p for you, or anyone else.

It really is all about them, and whoever they can get under their control. So it's easy for them to be happy.

And this is no great comfort to you, and none to the new woman he has duped with his show of affection - but he has not changed. He will now be starting to abuse her just as he abused you. And if she tries to leave she will get the same treatment you did. Laughing and hand-holding: it all means nothing, because with people like this ? what you see is definitely NOT what you get.

You, by contrast, are hurting badly because you loved a shell, an illusion of a fully functioning person. And you're hurting because you are a fully-functioning, normal, healthy woman, who has been used most dreadfully by someone she gave her heart to.

Grit your teeth and keep surviving sweetheart. The world needs people like you. And keep telling your story, because people need to hear it.

Hi op

How horrible for you. you're not alone and I think it's completely normal to feel like you do.

My ex was all of the things you described. I lost my friends, he put me down until I lost any confidence I had, he was very violent but he was clever with it. He wouldn't punch me and give me a black eye. He'd do things like strangle me, squeeze my arms so hard I'd have big bruises, bite me until I bled, all in places you could not see though. And he also convinced me it wasn't violence because he was actually punching me. I eventually left him but soon afterwards he met someone else.

We now have no contact at all but in those early days after we split up I'd spy on them on Facebook and I felt so low because it felt as though he'd literally chewed me up and spat me out. What also really stung was that it appeared his new girlfriend had loads of friends and a social life which was something I'd never been allowed. Every photo they were happy and smiling. And what topped it off most of all is that we had a baby together, and all he'd done since the baby was born was continue to abuse me physically and verbally, refuse to contribute a penny, try to get back into my bed despite the new girlfriend. Ring me, turn up and harrass me. This carried on until one day I decided enough was enough, changed phone numbers, told him if he turned up I'd ring the police which I did, and told him to pursue contact through the legal route. But it still hurt for a while, I always wondered why he abused me and not her. I'm not sure I'll ever really understand why, but of course we don't really know what goes on behind closed doors do we?

The fact is 8 months is no time at all in getting over such a long relationship, especially such a turbulent one. Seeing an ex is always difficult especially if you feel scared or intimidated by them and it will leave a bitter aftertaste. It probably took me up until about a year and a half ago (and we've been split for 4 years) to be able to look at a photo of my ex and for it not to hurt a bit, to stop asking myself all of the questions to which I have no answers. And I'd met someone else but it still hurt. But I can honestly say now that I have no feelings at all now.

Please don't feel as though you need to end it, as bad as you feel right now time is such a healer, just be kind to yourself and take small steps. I wish I could offer you a bit more practical advice. You should probably seek some counselling, something which I made the mistake of never doing.

Are you feeling any better today op?

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, it means a lot.

LadyWordy - Your words of wisdom are great. I never thought of my XP as being a narcissist but your explanation sounds spot on. Thank you.

Sparkly - I am so sorry that you went through all of that, it sounds horrific. I appreciate you sharing your story though, makes me feel less alone. Also thanks for the follow up post asking how I am, that was really nice of you.

I stupidly looked at my ex's Facebook and now keep comparing myself to his new gf - she seems very sociable and has lots of friends (unlike me). She is just the polar opposite of me in every way: looks, interests, confidence. Even worse it appears that they are planning on moving in together after just five months, it hurts to see him so loved up with someone when his last words to me were: "you will never be happy or find someone who loves you as much as me." I was a bit of a nightmare towards the end of our relationship because I couldn't cope with his arrogance and mood swings and I can't help but think if I had behaved better then he wouldn't have been such a shit to me

One more thing is that his friends all seem to really like the new gf judging by their comments on FB whereas they never really warmed to me and one of them said, 'if you leave him (xdp) I would wash my hands of you because I know how lucky you are to be with him.' Again that just makes me think I was at fault for everything because everyone thinks he is some sort of God.

Sorry, I'm waffling now I've deactivated Facebook so i cant do anymore stalking and I'm Seeing my counsellor on Wednesday so I am sure that will help. I'm just hoping I can put this behind me soon.

Ah, everything your saying I'm nodding and thinking, yes, that was me a few years ago. The looking on Facebook and comparing myself to the new girlfriend. I felt almost like she was living my old life (a better version of it), even though I didn't want that life iyswim?

Good idea to deactivate Facebook I think, it's the worst thing you can do because you're actually really hurting yourself by looking.

I read this book recently. And I can't really speak highly enough of it. It's not just relevant to very recent break ups but helps you to look at past relationships and see them for what they really were, and also build on your self esteem and boundaries. A lot of people on here have also recommended Lundy Bancroft 'Why does he do that'.

You will definitely be able to put it behind you.

Can I just say that this is not trivial at all, and that I think you are very brave for having left before his violence and abuse escalated even further.

I also think that what you are going through sounds very very normal and you will come through it, with all the up days and the down days. Seems to me that you are doing all the right things, and I really hope your counsellor is helpful.

As for him and his lovely sounding friends (NOT!), bloody hell, I mean who, apart from an utter wanker of the highest order, says "if you leave him I would wash my hands of you...etc etc". What an arsehole that "friend" is, probably indicates the quality of your ex's character, having friends like that.

Try and resist the comparisons between then and now, and between the new gf and you. Just think, how fortunate you are now not to be beholden to him. HE is likely to be the main reason for your low self esteem, and you are rid of him. Bloody well done.

You left for a bloody good reason, that reason hasn't changed. All courage to you and I hope you gradually step out of his shadow and into the sunshine that is your absolute right.

so sorry youre going through this OP. But none of it was your fault. His new girlfriend is more than likely to be subjected to the same treatment that you were. If anything you may feel sorry for her, she doesnt know what hes really like yet. Well done for leaving him and starting to rebuild your life. This latest episode is just a blip, you are worth so much more than him. Hope all goes well on wednesday. Take care, you can do this. x