I don't agree with week about

[ceddy]

I'm a mum of a 9 year old and an 8 year old. I have been a stay at home mum for over 7 years while father worked. It was a mutual agreement. He was always on good wages so no reason for me to work. I was main carer as he didn't spend much time with the children as they grew up unless it was something he wanted to do with them.
We split a year and a half ago. The children live with me and are happy. they are use to daddy been away for periods of time anyway with his old job.
There father sees them every second weekend and every Wednesdays as well as half the short holiday, Summer holiday its, if/when his work permits.Though he has now left his job. To, as he says spend more time with the children.
I feel he has a lot of time with them but he has now started to push for week about. I have said no, bearing in mind he lives way out in the country. My children are settled now and have just started to make friends after a lot of moving. what I want to know is am I in the right.

What's best for the children is paramount here; not what's best for you or your exh.

More and more families are doing shared parenting, but it only seems to work if mum and dad live near to eachother and both parents have an equal understanding of their needs. With young children, a week on and a week off doesn't generally suit their needs at all. Better to have a split-week arrangement. Would he be prepared to move nearer to you and the schools to facilitate this?

If you've been a SAHM and want to work, this arrangement could allow you to do that. It would also give you a break to develop a life outside of your children, so it's not all doom and gloom; although I presume he wouldn't be paying you as much maintenance?

Does he live close enough to be able to take them to/from school? If so, you need to assess who you think will be losing out in this situation, you or the DC's.

They are his children too, and not only does he have every right to spend time with them but they have every right to spend time with him, too.

As badinage says, more and more people are doing shared parenting and it can be really beneficial for all involved.

You really need to be honest and ask yourself why you said no - because it's not what you want, or because it's genuinely not good for the DC's?

I know why I say no.. That's because my DC need a stable life where they can make friends which I stated they have, but even now there friends have trouble knowing when they'll be at home and don't come round. My exP isn't close and will not move closer. I may consider a 50/50 if he did but he won't. Still its not a good idea as they are settled in a good and strong routine and use to it.
I know a lot of you think I'm thinking of me but that's not true. its genuinely what's best for my DC's.
regarding working I can still do that and the out and about, I do that when the DC's are at their D's.
Money isn't the issue either Badinage... though saying that now he has given up work, maintanence has stopped.

What about school? Would they still be able to attend while staying with their dad?

It's not just your decision to make though. Your husband could legally seek shared residence if he so wanted, so really it's best to try to achieve a compromise here instead of digging in your heels.

Your husband wants to see more of his children and at their age, I imagine the children want to see more of him. You say he sees a lot of them, but would you want to only see them for extended periods once a fortnight with a few hours on top midweek?

I can't see how a 9 and 8 year old's social life is being greatly impacted by them spending time with their dad. When they are 14 or 15 it will be different of course, especially if he's still living far away.

If he's not prepared to move closer, I don't think 50-50 would work in terms of the commute to school, assuming we're talking more than an hour's travel each way. But there's no reason why he can't do more evenings. I'd advise against every weekend, because that means you don't get to spend any relaxing days with the kids.

He's got to compromise too. Assuming he's the one who moved away, you can't expect to see your kids all the time when you live far away out of choice. Always best to live near your kids if possible.

What job is he doing that allows him to work alternate weeks?

They can socialise when they are with you. Have you discussed with DCs?

Perhaps they can do mon-fri with him so they are home at weekends to socialise.

I would find out what DCs think and give them time to think it through before discussing it (or telling them) when you all discuss it with DF.

The children's wellbeing is upmost here - you have to put your feelings aside.

He's stopped working, stopped paying maintenance, suddenly wants week about and posters are saying to you OP that it's not all about you and you have to think about your DCs and their needs and wishes. He is not considering their needs at all. There is some serious discussing that needs to happen here, not just that your ex decides to change arrangements and everyone else is supposed to fall into line. What do your children think about the request to change? Do they have access to anyone independent to talk it through with?

NannyPlumMyMum i always think of my childrens wellbeing.

My DC have been in a routine now for a year and a half, they are happy and healthy and have friends.
He is not my husband, its not relevant but I just wanted to make it clear.
yes they will be staying at this school regardless, they've moved enough.
kittybiscuits you have knocked it on the head. I didn't bring it up but it has been mentioned to them...... I talked to them after they told me and we talked about it. They seem unfazed about it, especially my DD.
I just feel changing things now will cause a lot of problems. Don't get me wrong if activities do arise where he needs to take them he will regardless of who they are with. I'm very relaxed like that.

[Cynical] Could it about him getting a slice of the tax credits etc by having them more, rather than about wanting to be a more hands-on parent?

Is it actually practical for week-about if you live so far apart?

You don't have to change arrangements if it's not right for you and the dc. He can take it further, after that, but it wouldn't necessarily be granted.

It might be that - I did say that 50-50 usually means less child maintenance but if he's not working, he won't be paying that anyway.

But if you say the kids have already moved enough, it suggests that you were the one who moved far away from your ex and their dad and it also sounds like the kids are not averse to spending more time with him. Difficult to work out from your post but it sounds like he talked to them about it without discussing it with you first, which isn't on.

The thing is that you don't have the automatic right to be the SAHP and to decide how much time the kids spend with him, just because you're their mother.

Try to work out a reasonable compromise by having a dialogue with him and set a ground rule that you talk to eachother first about this and not the kids.

Echo dequoi's point. My ex is not remotely interested in 50:50 except for child benefit/tax credit eligibility. He's said as much to me.
First he asked me to say that we were doing 50:50 - i.e. to lie to the Revenue. When I refused he forced a change in our arrangements so that it now is more or less 50:50, although he's getting lax whenever he has a date etc. Now my DD wants to spend more time at my place, my ex is trying to force formal recognition of 50:50 and then he says, we can be as 'flexible as we like around where she actually spends time'.

badinage> you are right on a lot of points however he was the one who moved away from us.
Now he says he doesn't have to pay maintenance cos he's not working I can't believe that's right, I need to look into it. Its not as if he's short of cash otherwise he would be still working. Thats just sly on your Ex, lovingfreedom hope things sort themselves out for you.
Thanks guys for your input I will take a lot of it on board. I love my DC's soo much I wouldn't risk their happiness. I just need to move on and be happy myself. x

I'm in the same situation as you. Going through a divorce at the moment. I want him to have the DC once a fortnight, share holidays and have access to them during the week, providing he calls me before. So he can have dinner with them, read them bedtime stories etc. He's refusing, wants more time. Problem is he works, how is he going to do it? Suddenly start doing school runs, when before he flat refused to. Hire someone to help him? Especially since he was the one who wanted to leave.

I'm in agreement with you on this one. I think if children have a structure they are more secure. As long as they have access to Daddy by phone or if Daddy can pop round (by mutual arrangement)

Flexibility can get messy and cause problems.

Op I think you are right re stability and friends. Cafcass rightly IMO out a lot of emphasis on contact not buggering up the social lives of kids. If he moves nearer its worth considering though