pls help me. hes abandoned our children!!

[Gottabbrave]

Not sure what to do. Split with partner in november and he has had no contact or bothered with them since.
They are only 1 and 2 so dont realy know whats going on although 2 yr old has become slightly withdrawn.
It all started when i kicked him out for being abusive to me and 2 older dcs. At first i thought once he had got all his stuff (seems to be his important issue) we would talk about contact arrangements but i have heard absolutely nothing!
No xmas presents for kids no asking how they are nothing.
I know he still lives in the area and has already bagged himself a new girlfriend but as far as his kids are concered hes just disappeared.
He is already paying maintenance for 2 kids from a previous relationship (because she was wise enough to contact csa) and faught for access. I know she fled with the kids and im assuming from some solicitors letters he left behind that he got nasty so she had no choice.
I just dont know whether to text him . I know or i think hes avoiding paying and so thinks if he doesnt see them he shouldnt have to pay. He also knows that i know where he works so i can contact csa at any time. I guess hes waiting for that one . Trouble is if i do contact them he may get nasty and demand access under his terms/take it to court etc. I know he doesnt want custidy but he is controling by nature and knows a bit about the law etc so im tempted to let him go to avoid any trouble.
Just scared because i dont know where he lives i dont know if hes saving up for a court bombshell and i hope you can appreiciate its a bit un nerving .
Maybe its better to let him go and try and avoid trouble at all costs for my dcs sake.
What do you think??
Sorry for typos..on phone . I cant reply til later but would appreciate any suggestions as i feel so down at the moment and so sorry for my dcs to think they may grow up without a dad. Its heartbreaking xxx

I would satrt with Citizens Advice as they might be able to give you a starting point.

If I were you I would contact the CSA as your children and you deserve the help this extra cash would bring. As for him going for access have this supervised due to previous abuse (unsure how you would go about this - lawyer). By the sound of it if he didn't even bother to see them over the Christmas period then he's unlikely to do this or keep it up.
Its ok to feel sad for the children that they don't have a dad, but then remember that the kind of person he is means they are better of without one. They are young enough to get used to their mum being their world.
I wish you all the best and to remember your MN nickname ! x

If he can treat you and the dc with such contempt, you can repay him in the same coin - and get a few extra coins by way of the child support that he is legally and morally obliged to pay.

Don't text or otherwise attempt to contact him. Simply file a claim with the CSA and let them extract the sums you are entitled to for the upkeep of the dc.

If he gets 'nasty' don't hestitate to involve the police and/or any other agencies that can protect and support you such as www.womensaid.org.uk but I suspect that the most he'll do will be bluff and bluster about pursuing custody/contact etc through the Courts and you're best advised to tell him to go right ahead as you'll be able to cite chapter and verse of his history in any action he cares to bring against you.

Well done you for kicking him out. All you have to do now is remember that, as you found the courage to kick his arse into orbit once, it's within you to do do it again whenever necessary - and you've got the power of mumsnet to make sure he stays in outer space well away from you.

You should be happy that he is away, as he was abusive, TBH.

Just go to CSA and see what happens.

If he makes trouble, keep pestering the police.

DO him through the CSA and then if he wants contact then let him otherwise it sounds like your DC are better off without the twat.

First be thankful the tosser has stayed away...however in your shoes and knowing that applying for csa could possibly bring him back into your life, I would honestly leave it alone.

That's not to say I don't think he should be paying... he absolutely should be. Its just i think that is preferable to having him back in your life.

Thankyou for all your advice. I tend to agree with you babyhammock for now but im sure i will contact csa in time. i guess unlike him i need time to grieve the end of this relationship and everything he has thrown at me.
And izzy "go right ahead and take action as i can recite chapter and verse of his history in any action he cares to bring against me"....love it!! I shall be using that line if need be x

When your feeling a bit stronger, call them its easier to be harder, when your feelings for him have died.

Thanks greg. Its weird im so angry for what he is putting our kids through but when i see photos of him with them i have a lump in my throat still.
Men like him can only love themselves i think but i guess im still in love with his 'mask' does that make sense? Im sure he will do the same to this new woman of his as he did to me eventually with regards to abuse and control. I wish i could warn her.
Hes hurt a string of women with his lack of remorse i just hope to god that no more children are brought into this world x

You just gotta let yourself mourn, because its a lose and its perfectly natural to wobble when you see them, its like an addiction, and then going cold turkey, but you'll get there, alot of woman who no idea the inner strength they have, we all have it, you just gotta focus forward no looking back, you'll get there, you've been a tower of strength so far.

He will end up miserable because you reap what you sow. x

your right!
I Was at the ball pit with dcs yesterday (was a previous haunt of ours as a famil y)and 2 year old made it up this big slide all by herself for the first time. I was realy proud of her finding her legs i just had the strongest urge to let him know and then i realised he hasnt been in touch so he probably doesnt give a toss anyway!
Thanks for giving me strength mumsnetters .
Im now a single mum of 4 going it alone but im so much happier being my own boss and not being scared of his reaction to things i do all the time (like daring to ask to go for a drink with a friend)
Im gonna have a break from relationships for a while my kids are more important and maybe one day ill find someone who loves my children as much as i do...he doesnt want to be in their life .. His loss!!