a question about stepdaughters

[lifeistooshorttodrinkcheapwine]

Hi I have a problem with one of my stepdaughter aged 40 and i wonder if anyone can help me with it. i'll try to be brief: I met my dh in 2002 we had both been widowed and i had no children (not through choice) and he has 3 grown up children. i moved in with him in 2004 and we got married in 2006 - and we are very happy and have 6 grandchildren and i have the family i thought i would never have.

I am very fortunate in that all his children and his family have been very accepting of me and have made me feel welcome and i have always tried to be sensitive to the fact that they have lost their mother and not try to compete or cancel her out. One stepdaughter lives near us and one lives abroad and my s/son lives down in london. The sd who lives near us is one i'm having difficulty with - she would say if asked that she's very happy about me being married to her Dad and that she loves me etc, On the surface we get on very well and i love being a granny to her children and we see a lot of them.

BUT ever since the beginning i have been aware of undercurrents from her - undermining me e.g. she told people that i can't know how to look after children because i have none of my own (i looked after my brothers since i was 11 and baby sat children all my life) I'm not like her mum/ not as good as etc She tends to put me down in subtle ways, ignore me/contradict me/ told her children that i'm not their REAL granny (i've been in their lives since they were born) Last night they came for a weekly meal with us and my dh cut his thumb chopping veg - blood everywhere! she virtually pushed me out of the way and took over the first aid - making a big fuss about how she works in a hospital therefore she has superior medical knowledge to me.

I feel that she"s doing a lot of point-scoring with me and that somehow she is threatened by me and that at a very basic level she wants her Dad to herself or things to be how they were when her mum was alive - i've endured many a session of reminiscing about old times and although I've felt a bit upset and pushed out, i've kept quiet as i feel they need their shared memories.

My problem is that i dont know how to change this and i don"t know how to start a conversation with SD about it? Has anyone got any experience of this or advice to give - i'd be really grateful as its beginning to really niggle me.

What does your dh say about it?

I think it's more down to him to talk to her about respecting you, accepting you and being inclusive. I don't think you should be do the talking, (or tbh, for him to say you've noticed this behaviour and are hurt by it): a more effective tack would be that HE has noticed, is hurt by it and he expects more of her.

I think she's being very disrespectful and taking your kindness for weakness. Is your DH aware of it? You can go on ignoring it, or talk to him about how upsetting it is for you.

If you feel you've had enough he really needs to speak to her, and you need to think about how to be assertive when she's around.

I think how you start the conversation is with the words 'grow up' :) Seriously, a middle-aged woman behaving like this is pretty pathetic. You can't do a lot about what she says behind your back but you can certainly pick her up if she's ignoring or contradicting you and say you don't like it. That's what my DM would do to me if I was being a PITA and the same applies in reverse. If they're reminiscing about old times maybe you can find something else to do? It's always boring to listen to other people's trips down Memory Lane.

Your husband is the key to this. Step-children often take their behaviour cues from their own parent. If he stands back and lets this happen, or doesn't support you in words and actions, she will think it's okay to behave like this without consequence.

There's something else though. Does he ever spend any time with her on their own? Regardless of the fact she is a middle-aged woman, she might still want his undivided attention from time to time, especially as she lost her mum. I've got a couple of friends in this situation and although they like their step-parents and get on with them, they miss the opportunity to have solo time with their actual parents. If you think about it, bio parents would never think it odd if a child wanted some one-to-one time with mum or dad, but I've noticed that lots of 'second couples' do this 'come-as-a-package' thing and cease to operate as individuals.

If none of those things work, the best thing to do is have a clear-the-air chat with her. But your husband needs to be in your corner on this, while understanding and finding out for himself whether his daughter is unhappy about something.

I take it that she doesn't ever ask you to babysit seeing you have no experience of looking after children.

Hey, thanks for your replies - it helps me get some perspective on it - i wonder if cause her dad was in the army and when they were stationed abroad She and her sister were sent to boarding school and its left her with attachment issues??

Cognito i agree, it is at a very basic childish level but i don't think she is even aware that she's doing it

HeyHo thanks for your wise wise words
Badinage they used to go running together sometimes but what with her work and commitments its eased off a bit. DH knows that i get upset at her "not hearing me" and has picked up up on it occasionally. She does like getting her dad to herself and i'm happy for them to do this - she never tries to spend time with me although she does confide in me - which i'm pleased about.

Deste :) :)

If she also had to keep moving homes and schools because of where he was stationed, it might have been very difficult for her to build sustainable friendships and this too might be causing a problem. Lots of people in that situation feel a bit 'rootless' and losing her mum can't have helped with that.

When did your DH last sit down with his daughter for a close chat about how she's feeling about life?