Seeing a side to him I really don't like

[SallysSong]

Partner and I have been 'unofficially' living together for the past month or so. I say unofficially as he's still spending two nights a week at his own house when he has his children.
We're currently saving for a deposit for a new house which we intend to buy together. We're hoping to move in about 6 months - therefore we have 6 months to trial us "Living together" in my house to see how we go.

Well just lately I've seen a side to him I'm really starting not to like. Firstly he's coming across as being really stuck up. He says stuff like "I'm not used to houses like this" (meaning my little ex-council house) and "the houses I've been looking at - the type I'm used to ... " (meaning big and posh basically). He said last night "I've been looking in this area but we need a decent area (meaning not my area!) and you need a cul-de-sac at least" why??? So we can keep up with the Jones'?

Another thing was "something that does my head in about your house is that all your plates and stuff have chips in them" - well I'm sorry for not having the money to be able to replace stuff whenever I want but if it bothers you that much you're welcome to replace them for me ... right??

And aside from all this nonsense I'm starting to wonder if he has a problem with my kids. He's always been great with them - fantastic infact and they love him but when he's talking to just me he whinges about them like says my eldest is childish for his age and acts girly and he's constantly complaining about my youngest one these days, doing impressions of him when he's playing up and zoning in on stuff he's done and going on and on about it. He has behavioural problems and a special needs statement but DP never seems to remember or even care about this. It surprises me how intolerant he is considering his own son has special needs (which I'm CONSTANTLY reminded about).

Another red flag for me is that he seems to see his own kids as being absolutely perfect and mine as being crazy, hyper hooligans. Like last night I said before we move in together the kids are going to have to meet. His reaction was "oh christ that won't happen for a long time, my lads couldn't cope with that". I said "cope with what?" and he said "well, to be honest I can't see my lads wanting much to do with your two. Your two are so inquisitive and hyper and my lads will just want to be left alone to do their own thing."

So in other words, his kids are too good to be mixing with my two? have I got that right?

Before anyone asks why I got with him in the first place, he NEVER used to be like this. He wasn't snobby (used to say about how his days being brought up on a council estate made him and he made the strongest friendships there etc) and he used to say my kids were great and he loved being around them and that my DS was similar to his DS and they'd get on great - now it's like the two will never meet as my DS will scare his DS away and he'll never see him again!

Infact, last night he almost said that he was scared his kids won't want anything to do with him after they meet my kids and are forced to spend time with them. His exact words were "My eldest might say "your house does my head in so I'm not coming around anymore" - this was blatently directed at my kids wasn't it.

I would tell him to move out and call time on your relationship. Your poor children

says my eldest is childish for his age and acts girly

he's constantly complaining about my youngest one these days, doing impressions of him when he's playing up and zoning in on stuff he's done and going on and on about it

Forget about the chipped plates, the above two points would be enough for me to pack his suitcase and dump it on the driveway. If you subject your kids to this longterm, they're not your first priority, he is. Obviously if you're happy with that status quo, there's nowt to see here.

Hello OP. This: "when he's talking to just me he whinges about them like says my eldest is childish for his age and acts girly and he's constantly complaining about my youngest one these days, doing impressions of him when he's playing up". I would be VERY VERY unhappy about anyone talking about my children like this, let alone the person I wanted to share my life with. Your children need you to be on their side and not tolerate his scorn for them, which I think is only likely to get worse. If they are not already aware of how he feels about them, they certainly will at some point, and then they won't thank you for having bought a house with him. Best wishes.

If you subject your kids to this longterm, they're not your first priority, he is.

Yes indeed.
He'd love that.

I think the plan is to convince you that you're punching above your weight (hate that expression) so you're humbly grateful this superior man permits you to live in his superior house and partake of his superior lifestyle. If you ever have a row he can tell you he picked you up out of the gutter (I live in an ex-council house too, it's nothing to be ashamed of!) and gave you unchipped crockery to eat off and THIS is how you repay him? Then when you eventually have enough and leave him he can tell his mother the same and she will say quite right dear, she just wasn't good enough for you.

Oh, and did I say LTB?

Well said Annie - and of course, you have nailed it.

He sounds like an utter dick. I can only see things getting worse if you stay with him.

Alarm bells would ring for me: he began as lovely and charming, now he is gradually showing his true colours, trying to make you feel inferior to him and having little digs at you about your kids. What next? Sapping your self esteem, controlling you?

Don't get stuck with him. If he really thinks he is better than you he will have no respect for you and treat you badly.

He sounds like trouble with a capital T.

Please don't subject your children to such a manipulative, self-entitled knob.

Well this was what the trial period was for, right?

Totes agree with others - he's pushing boundaries, seeing what he can get away with and what you will or won't notice.

Anyway, fuck all that - he doesn't like your children. No way can he be around them let alone live with them.

Sorry about the totes

Sorry to keep butting in, but another thing that occurred to me is that having an SN child oneself does not give one licence to be offensive about other people's. You might expect greater sensitivity, certainly not less.

Doing impressions of his gf's SN child. Can a guy actually get any lower? Just post this on the SN board and see what they have to say there - I can guarantee it won't be pretty. (Actually, best not...)

The house stuff I wouldn't worry about too much - that could just be a difference of opinion and something you could negotiate around if you were house hunting.

However, that isn't an issue because before you got to chosing a house together the real deal breaker is his reaction to your children. That will only get worse. If he finds them irritating/annoying/badly behaved or whatever now, after having been OK with them in the past, that isn't going to change for the better. He obviously has a level of a relationship with your children, living with you part time as he does and instead of getting better with time, it is getting worse. It will continue to go down hill. I think you are right to have doubts and would resist moving in permanently even if you don't end the relationship. I reckon, though, that now he is showing his true colours the end is pretty much inevitable. I can't see how it can work long term.

He slags your DC off.

They deserve better (as do you) and you have made an error of judgment allowing him into their lives.

Remedy the situation, move on and learn from it. It's all we can do when we make a mistake.

At least you spotted it before he moved in properly.

The 'doing impressions' is appalling! Who the fuck does he think he is?

Would you tolerate a stranger taking the piss out of your son in this way? Why not?
Why is he any different?

I married such a man, even though the warning signs were there. It has been an incredible struggle and had we had a trial period it would not have ended in marriage. I have been reading up a lot on abusive behaviour and apparently one of the tell tale signs is a whirlwind romance with house buying etc all in a matter of months . Just as I am reading here, I.e. everything is great until they have their feet under the table. Luckily I'm Irish and we have this great motto you might bear in mind: don't keep up with the joneses, drag them down to your level, it's cheaper . I kid you not, I give as good as I get, dsd has left private school were such behaviour was being trained, her own and surprising everybody choice, dss soon to follow. We talk about snobs and how money makes people change. I bet his kids would love yours for being natural and probably a lot cooler!