craving missing relationship with mum

[CallMeBetty]

I'm a relative newbie here but have posted briefly before about struggling to deal with my relationship with my mum. I'm not sure I really belong in the stately homes thread, and it's so big I'd feel rotten for asking for support without reading the other stories.

Out of nowhere, sometimes it just hits me that I don't have the unconditional love and support that I should from my mum and at the moment for no real reason I'm really craving that and feeling so sad about it. I'm feeling a bit pathetic for wanting to call her just for a chat because I know she'll want to get me off the phone asap and I'll feel worse but can't help myself looking for excuses to call and speak to her at least once a week. she lives close by and doesn't work but has no interest in seeing me. I keep trying to understand that she just doesn't really like me very much and can't see much good in me but I can't ever imagine being like that with my children. there's been no big fall out or anything, she's just cold and critical but has a great relationship with my sister and thinks she's mother of the year so talking to her wouldn't work, she'd blame me.

does anyone have any advice on how I can move on from this need for mothering and approval/acceptance?

No advice but will be watching with interest. My mum is the same. She has no interest in me or my children beyond the basic bare minimum. It feels awful. Supposed to be the most easy natural relationship in the world....!
Hugs.

I don't have advice as such but I do know exactly how you feel.

My mum has been dead for five years but she was an alcoholic for about 25 years before then. So I never had a good relationship with her. I remember when was in my teens, my friends would talk about going shopping with their mums at the weekend and stuff and it would just make me feel so empty and sad. All my mum really gave a shit about was drinking and everything else was just lip service.

I don't think you ever plug the hole that's left by not having a mum. I'm not sure it's possible. I do sometimes wonder whether I'll feel a bit more 'loved'/'whole' (not really the right words but I can't think of better ones) when/if I have children.

A good friend of mine had a similar relationship to the one you describe, but with her dad. After years of breaking her heart ove it, she made the decision in her late twenties to just cut him out of her life completely. It was tough for her and she did it with the support of a good therapist. But now she says she's so much happier. Maybe that's something you might want to think about?

Other than that I've no advice really :(. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's shit.

Sorry to hear your story madonna. Since having children I've found that my dysfunctional relationship with my mum just feels even more dysfunctional. How can she actively dislike me? I love my children unconditionally.
Someone has suggested to me cutting all contact too. I've certainly backed off which makes it slightly better. I no longer expect or request any support from her. It's taken a while but it's changed the way i feel about her.
FWIW, I suspect my mother has chronic untreated depression.

and just to confuse matters every now and then,maybe every few months she'll surprise me by doing something nice and throwing me again, today looks like one of those days just after I wrote this she called and said she wanted to pop over for a cup of tea, never sure if this means she actually wants to see me or wants to sit here looking for faults. am now frantically cleaning before she gets here not sure if I'm setting myself up again

My neighbour recently described my DM as 'rather dour' which was very perceptive!! She's also rather critical and opinionated with a side-order of control-freakery for good measure. This used to bother me but I've since decided that whether the house is spotless or whether it's a tip, whether I'm 20lbs heavier or lighter, it really makes no difference to the way she is. So I gave up with the 'frantically cleaning' etc., adopted a 'take me as you find me' attitude, stopped letting her make withering remarks, found other people to tell me I'm wonderful and things are rather better.... for me anyway.... :)

Sorry you're having a hard time of it. I've found therapy really helps, since becoming a mum I spent time mourning the mother I never had. On bad days I still do, I also find myself angry that my daughter wont have a "normal" grandmother, granddaughter relationship with her. Dd does have a great relationship with Dp mum. I decided last year that I'd limit contact with her although it means that I don't see my younger brother as a result. I've come to accept the dysfunctional relationship for what it is. I expect nothing from her therefore I'm not disappointed. I don't think the sadness ever leaves you just find a way of coping with it.