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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My cheating husband dumped when I was pregnant, I am still devastated.

178 replies

DontWakeMeUp · 11/01/2013 04:56

I was living in Malaysia, we had gone there for my husbands job ( about 1yr 6 months) I come home to Uk to visit family and friends for 6 weeks as pregnant, fly back to Malaysia to find out he had been shagging some cheap filiphino bar tart for 3 weeks and didn't want to work our relationship out! We had been together 16 years. I was devastated. Can't believe he could actually do this, thought he had some morals. He tells me he hadn't been happy for last year and half ( time in Malaysia - I had struggled to adjust and wasn't happy myself!) he never said anything - always thought it was work stress! Bombshell. Anyway cheap slapper declaring undying love from day one and he fallen for her. She obviously looking to trap an expat husband for money.
Anyway 6 months on he has moved her in, I am back in our home in the Uk with our 3 and a half year old daughter and 1 month old son ( whom he hasn't even met!) He has played with my emotions all throughout the pregnancy - telling me he still loves me and at one point going to dump her and then not going through with it! I feel pathetic but I still love him and am still crying as i cannot believe the man I knew is capable of this kind of behavior. He was a good kind, caring man who would do anything for me. Anyhow he is coming home in 2 weeks time. I have recently told him we cannot be friends and have gone as no contact as possible. I can't believe how badly he has treated me and that he has just dumped his kids. He skypes his daughter twice a week but it's pathetic and she doesnt want to talk to him. I am an emotional mess, surviving on adrenalin. I loved him so much and we spent most of our time together - he was my best friend - how could he do this to us? I am trying to be strong but it's so tough. Help !

OP posts:
Salbertina · 13/02/2013 20:29

Why not? Op's got enough to worry about.. it's rather naive to think such women (deliberately targeting expat men for £/passport) don't exist, they do, in their thousands! So all in all such s nickname fairly harmless and perfectly understandable

frustratedworkingmum · 13/02/2013 20:32

its probably the expat men that deserve the label then

Salbertina · 13/02/2013 20:33

Yes, Maybe we should help OP come up with one! V cathartic..

frustratedworkingmum · 13/02/2013 20:35

i could think of plenty :) selfishcuntwhatthinkswithhispricklongtime would be a start

ProphetOfDoom · 13/02/2013 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mimishimi · 14/02/2013 00:57

Schmaltzing Matilda's post is great. I too think he is just trying to play for time with regards to you starting legal action to divorce him (and the financial implications of that for him). Did you actually listen in on the conversation of him breaking up with Miss Philippines or did he just tell that he did?

Abitwobblynow · 14/02/2013 05:53

You really cannot underestimate 'lust-crazed dementia'. Behaviour is determined by neurochemicals, and they are ADDICTED.

They will trash and throw away everything when in the grip of 'limerance'. When they come out of it and look at the wreckage of their lives, they find it hard to explain.

The expat thing is common, because also it is a reaction to loneliness, the excitement of 'new', and being away from the community where ordinary retraints fall away and the bond of affection and ties of obligation are not being reinforced.

This behaviour was explained to me by a Dr. for the high incidence of HIV in Africa (African behaviour statistically is no different from 'white man's' behaviour), which has a very high rate of migrant labour.

Original poster
DontWakeMeUp · 14/02/2013 06:59

It is funny as in 16 years of 'growing up' together and he was the one to give me some self esteem and confidence when I had virtually none. He was always the one encouraging etc.. and I have been very happy with him for the most of our time together. I still have some self respect - I know he has treated me despicably ( and i know he knows this he has to now face it in front of me) Yes how can I trust him? I should have just reacted to the whole situation and just told him to just F off, but i was in shock and i suppose a part of me still is. IF we were to seriously try again he knows exactly what he has to face from me. He knows I am not the type of person to try to brush it under the carpet. Some of my reactive behaviour has been doormat like but its funny but i do not feel like a doormat. I was trying to get him to realise what he was loosing. i know i was difficult to live with in malaysia (not a justification but partly a reason for his behaviour). i am so hurt and i know i need him to feel some of that hurt. i know IF we live together again that hurt will surface big time. I do not know if i could ever forgive this and i realise it could take years. He is making some plans about our future. He has asked me to believe in him and I should laugh And throw it back in his face ! But I can't help wanting to try - maybe that makes me seem like a real doormat victim. He is crap at communicating on an emotional level about how he feels which was the problem in the first place. I will see the real remorse, it is coming i know, if not there is no future for us and I will never be able to live with. I haven't forgotten that he not only abandoned me in my condition, he was abandoning his dd and unborn son for her. Surely that is unforgivable ?- but I suppose I always thought deep down that he would come to his senses and not be able to do it. Also i believed that he would realise what we had and could have again. Which he has.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 14/02/2013 10:24

Also i believed that he would realise what we had and could have again. Which he has.

Doubt it somehow. But everyone's different OP. Maybe I'm selfish but at this point, I want a smooth life with my DC and could seriously not be bothered taking on someone's midlife crisis twattery. Love schmove y'know? That word is way overrated. If it isn't in the actions, it isn't there at all. Deep down, what's more than likely preventing you showing him the door is the fear of being on your own. There really is nothing to fear. You'd do fine.

Anyway you've already made your decision. The only advice I'd have for you is to only move forward, however you choose to do that. Don't whatever you do, waste any more of your life on this pointless static cycle of listening to his 'promises', believing them, taking him back, tolerating his next affairs, taking him back, blah blah, rinse and repeat... Life's too short OP.

bringbacksideburns · 14/02/2013 10:36

Be very very careful OP.

His actions aren't screaming to me that he loves you to death, will drop everything and come to support you and wants to be with you. Already he's stalling. You are putting too much pressure on him? (WTF?) He should be jumping with joy that you have given him a second chance so quickly. He should be moving heaven and earth to reunite his family.

I would back off a bit and concentrate on building a good life for yourself now with your children and get your independence and strength back. I understand you want him back but he isn't the man you married any more. He threw you to one side after 16 years for a prostitute.

I don't mean to be horrible. I just think it's too soon and you really need to take things slowly.

ProphetOfDoom · 14/02/2013 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DontWakeMeUp · 15/02/2013 00:45

Thank you all for your comments. I am still thinking about just telling him to F off. I need someone who is there to support me and my children and not F up their lives. I am so confused as to what to think and feel. I am still sleep deprived and have been through hell but I know actions speak louder than words. The only actions he has shown are that of a completely selfish twunt. Do I really need someone like that, whom I couldn't trust when the going gets tough to not just run away?

You are right he should be bending over backwards at this point.

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 15/02/2013 05:34

In his mind he is making a huge sacrifice: and that he has made a choice, and that he has chosen you.

That is what my H told me. And was very offended when I wasn't thrilled at hearing that

Confused
deXavia · 15/02/2013 06:11

Up front I'll say pardon me for being harsh but I live in Asia and have seen similar far too many times ...

You went to the UK for 6 weeks mid pregnancy, it took him less than 3 of those to have an affair start shagging now he wants you to believe he will go back to Malaysia leaving you with the kids in the UK until Christmas and nothing is going to happen with her or any one else? Oh and he made this decision after you spoke to him about divorce and the financial implications of it - ie he realised how much this was going to cost him, and I mean that in terms of $$$ not emotionally.

If he really wanted this to work he would be making immediate plans to move back to the UK or another country with you, or for you to go back there (as much as I can understand you might not want to). But basically plans for the two of you to be together to work this out, to rebuild trust and love. Instead he is proposing you spend the next 10 months on opposite sides of the world - him away from his kids and you, but with the girlfriend, and you on your own as effectively a single parent. If I was being very cynical I'd say it was so he could work out how to reduce the financial implication of a divorce but I actually think he is just a dick not a malicious dick.

Please OP for your own sanity walk away from this. And if you genuinely can't get your head round that in the short term move close to family, start building a single life here - if he comes back then great he can fit into your new life and benefit from a happier, more settled you. If he doesn't you are already on the path to a new life.

Abitwobblynow · 15/02/2013 16:32

What deXavia says.

Doha · 15/02/2013 16:38

Well said deXavia

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/02/2013 17:17

Hi DontWakeMeUp have only just caught up with the latest.

You have had yet another bombshell! I can well believe you are churning with a mix of emotions but not turning cartwheels for joy just yet.

I expect your PILs will be only too glad to dismiss this as a hiccup and expect you to welcome him back with open arms. Your family too might urge you to weigh up prospects, maybe suggest "put the children first" and not be selfish.

The past 6 months have been a nightmare for you. I always see your nn and think yep OP must wish this were all a dream... In truth I think you were horribly awakened when you first realised your DH was having his affair. Now H has

Attention does get divided by work or children. How is this going to be magically remedied to his satisfaction in years to come? Where do your needs fit in? If H already feels disgruntled at you 'pressuring' him or showing any scars from this experience, I really doubt he is paying more than lip service to the two of you sorting out this relationship. It suits him to go back in time. He knows you love him. You have missed him and now he wants you again. Why shouldn't he - you are the same loyal hearted woman, sadder, stronger, now making fewer demands, win win! I hope he is genuine.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/02/2013 17:18

Sorry that s/b, Now H has returned.

Original poster
DontWakeMeUp · 15/02/2013 23:01

Thanks again for your comments. I do feel an emotional mess. I have nothing left to give anymore I have given it all and more to this man and does he deserve it. ? With regards the money he has said he will give me his income ( so I know he is not spending it) so i do not think it is all about ££££ to him. So I suppose in this sense it is win/win as is income out there is high and I can then always use it to divorce him! I am now in the process of 'do something or F off'. If he is STILL MESSING ABOUT because he is unsure/ still loves her/ whatever he can just get lost. I have poured my heart out to him over the last 6 months - reminding him of all our past together and all he has done is treat me like a piece of rubbish. If he is hurt as he misses her, if he is finding he is regretting stuff, whatever, he should be suffering! -he has to face some consequences ! He ' misses me more than he can say or write'. He sent me roses and champagne for valentines. Is he genuine? Has her stuff gone- it will be this weekend. He said he loved her. Time will tell. HE HAS TO PROVE HIMSELF BY ACTIONS. Ultimately, even if he wants me and his family over all , he never should have gotten in this situation in the first place, he shouldn't have run away from the problems in our relationship to someone who offered it on a plate. He should have F'in TALKED TO ME. But I know he is an emotional retard and I know I am difficult to talk to ( self admission not other influence). So again whatever anyone thinks ITS NOT JUST NOT THAT STRAIGHTFORWARD.

OP posts:
Original poster
DontWakeMeUp · 15/02/2013 23:10

He has applied for 3 jobs in other countries - I think he thinks we will go with him? He also has said he can't apply for jobs ( in the uk in our area ) when there are none.

OP posts:
Original poster
DontWakeMeUp · 15/02/2013 23:13

Oh and apparently she reminded him of me years ago!

OP posts:
Original poster
DontWakeMeUp · 15/02/2013 23:15

Probably before kids and responsibilities! (But this is the real world step up to the mark please)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/02/2013 23:17

You have considered giving this pondlife another chance ?

Are you completely crazy ?

Mimishimi · 15/02/2013 23:20

Any, that's not very helpful...

AnyFucker · 15/02/2013 23:21

Yes. It is.

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