would you date a transgendered man?

[ecofreeek]

I am in my late 30's and single (divorced). Recently though work I met a man who seemed really nice. We flirted a bit and last weekend he asked me out for a drink. It went really well, nice snog! and we arranged to meet for dinner this week

At dinner he told me that basically he used to be a woman. He has had testosterone treatment for many years and both breasts removed and a hysterectomy. But not the surgery that makes a penis...

I really like him. But I'm a bit freaked out. I guess that's why he told me 'early' in our dating... I dont want any more children s thats not an issue... its the whole man thing - he looks like a man, acts like a man and I would never have guessed that biologically he is not a male...

the sex thing ....

would you date a transgendered man >?

[knitknack]

And, yes, for the record - a handsome, sexy man with integrity? Of course I bloody would!

[JourneyThroughLife]

Personally, the transgender thing wouldn't bother me. It would only be a problem if the other person hadn't told me for a long while, then I'd feel a bit deceived. Good for him to say very early on in the relationship.

The questions I'd be asking myself would be, do I fancy him? Is he open, honest? Is he at ease with himself or hung up with lots of "issues" over gender (if so, it's likely I'd be taking on lots of complications)?

If he's open, at ease and comfortable in himself etc. then I'd go with the relationship and see what happens. I would make sure I was honest too and gently voice any doubts. When the time came I'd talk about sex and what I felt about it without a penis. It wouldn't be essential for me if everything else was great, but might become yet another issue if things weren't good - and I'd reconsider. Just like in any relationship really... If he couldn't talk openly I'd feel it was a sign of difficulties ahead but otherwise fine....

[ScariestFairyByFar]

If I was you I'd give it a go and see what happens. Wrt your dd's kids are so much more accepting of these kinds of issues than people expect them to be

[StinkyWicket]

OP regarding your post about your daughters - why would they need to know? Ever? None of my family know about my DHs genitalia, and what they 'assume' to know I couldn't care less about.

What would you normally divulge about a personal relationship?

[DifferentNow]

Our views on transgender clearly vary wildly and I guess it comes down to whether the OP feels she needs to be able to define the relationship by one gender or another or whether she can simply be with the individual and accept them as a person rather than a gender.

[teedeeuk]

I'm partnered with a Trans man who has transitioned recently after ten years together. He's the bravest, kindest most wonderful partner you could imagine.

[Portofino]

I would just like to say that I am not transphobic, more that I believe that in the total misunderstanding of what gender means in current society. That people have to have operations to feel "normal" when they could just be themselves and be accepted and understood.

[ErikNorseman]

I'd date and be attracted to a trans man in principle, but I couldn't be sexually involved with a vagina. It would turn me off. Plus I really like cock.
I saw a doc with a demonstration of a 'prosthetic' penis. It looked and functioned amazingly. I'm not sure how much actual fucking it could do but it certainly got hard and looked real. The clitoris was integrated into the penis so he could orgasm through stimulation. And the testosterone he took made him orgasm much more easily. Fun!

[teedeeuk]

Portofino, with all due respect you don't know what you're talking about.

[TwoFacedCows]

I think I would give it a go and see how it worked- the relationship bit not the sex bit!

I dont see any problem with it and he sounds very open and happy to talk, which will be helpful.

as for sex, I don't think there is any need to discuss previous partners - sex is as individual as the individual! - surely that is where all the fun is- working out what makes the other person tick!

what have you lost by seeing where it goes? - even if it goes no where at least you will have a new insight into a very different world!

[PuddingsAndPies]

I'm not completely sure. I have no squeamishness about the trans issue in itself, nor would I worry what other people thought.
The two things that may concern me is how emotionally 'damaged' he might be (in the same way that I would have reservations about a serious relationship with a war veteran, for example), but you do say that he seems at ease with himself, which is really good to hear.
The other issue is the penis. I don't believe PIV to be necessary for sex, but I am not sure about how necessary it is for my enjoyment of sex - I have never had a sexual relationship without PIV being the main component. I suppose I would also be interested to know if he would be comfortable with me making him orgasm clitorally, or else what his preference was (I believe that some trans people actually prefer not to orgasm, or to orgasm very indirectly, because they don't feel comfortable with their biological genitals).

Overall, I think I'd be happy with the idea of this, but would have to keep my weight on the back foot until a couple of goes at sex, to see if it was going to work for me long term. I would have to be honest about these reservations with him in advance, obviously.

[AnyFucker]

I don't understand this focus on his "integrity" and "honesty" in telling you "so soon"

As it seems clear to both of you that this could develop into more than a friendship, and this bloke doesn't have a penis, I think the "honesty" is rather essential and not something to be lauded, tbh

[PureQuintessence]

It is not really necessary to confirm whether your partner have a penis or not.

"This is my new boyfriend Peter, he doesnt have a penis, he has a vagina instead."

Or

Op: "Linda, this is is my new boyfriend Peter"
Linda: "Does he have a penis?"

OP, dont worry what people will say, or what your daughters reaction is going to be. Genitals are rarely discussed.

[Portofino]

Maybe not. I don't claim to be an expert. I just answered the OPs question, and explained why I thought that. I don't mean it as a denigration of TransOp people at all.

[neontetra]

I haven't personally, but my friend dated and slept with a pre-op transgendered guy. She is as far as I know totally hetero, but said she really enjoyed the sex, and that it lasted longer than most other sex she'd had!
I'm rambling. Why not go on a few more dates with him, no need to rush into sex if it doesn't feel right yet, and if in time you feel you want to sleep with him but are worried how it will go, hopefully you'll know him well enough to talk through your anxieties with him. Please don't let what other people think put you off - its only a few daft bigots who would mind what you do or what he is, and who cares what they think?

[DiamondDoris]

Haven't read all the thread yet but no, I wouldn't. I don't put much emphasis on PIV sex in my relationship with a man who has a penis (neither does he) BUT I like the aesthetics of male genitalia, it has nothing to do with transgendered people being born into the wrong body. But that's just me.

[MajesticWhine]

I think I would be ok with it. I am quite flexible about who I am attracted to. But no one really knows how they would react unless they have been in that situation.

[amillionyears]

Yes.

[LessMissAbs]

No. I don't tend to fancy people who are enhanced by cosmetic adaptations (unless for medical necessity). I find it off-putting. I am attracted to natural, athletic men withink quite a small demographic profile. I'd find it off-putting.

That said, he might have an alluring, magnetic, mysterious air about him so I would never say never. But its extremely and highly unlikely.

But if it doesn't bother you then OP, then go for it!

[susanalbumparty]

Purely by coincidence I know three trans people. One is a neighbour (male to female), one a former boss (male to female) and one who is the partner of a friend (female to male). My friend is a lesbian and until he transitioned her partner also identified as a lesbian. He is aiming for a penis construction so my lesbian friend would technically be in a heterosexual relationship. They have been together for 5 years and they plan to stay together, it's about the person not the genitals.

Knowing what I now know about gender dysphoria and seeing these friends getting on happily with their lives if I was in your position I would probably continue to explore my attraction to this guy.

[AnnieLobeseder]

If it were me, I'd probably be willing to give it a go and see what happened. I would be honest with him that I wasn't sure how I feel, and see if he wanted to continue with the proviso that I might decide it didn't work for me. But then, that's the case with any new relationship, surely.

I think I would be more worried about whether he was truly settled and happy in his new gender. Call me selfish, but I wouldn't take on a new relationship with anyone with angst or depression or other issues relating to the change. I'm not an empathetic person, and I wouldn't be able to provide support. So it would be horrible for both of us.

But I totally understand anyone who wouldn't want to date a transgender - you can't force yourself to find someone attractive if you just don't. There is a very large group of men I could never find attractive or date due to how I was subject to systematic brainwashing as a child. I recognise it for what it is, and realise my prejudice has no basis in logic. But that doesn't change the fact these men will never ever float my boat. Someone might not be attracted to short men, or skinny men, or men with moustaches (another group I could never date!!!). We like what we like.

[GrendelsMum]

I would date him, given that he sounds like a nice bloke and there aren't that many nice single men out there! Why not just give it a whirl and see how it all works out?

I had a transgender colleague (male to female) who was definitely female, if you know what I mean. In fact, it seems very bizarre to think of her being a man in the past.

[Boomerwang]

I couldn't do it. I'd have sex with a woman or a man, but I think I'd be confused with someone who had the outward appearance of a man yet had a vagina. For want of a better phrase, it would 'mess my head up' and I wouldn't know which role to take on, therefore I wouldn't be able to relax.

[laughinglikeadrain]

I havent read the i whole thread, because some of those posts looked like they were going off track...

would i date a transgender person? I dont think so, but couldnt say yes or no for definate

would i like a transgenered person in my life... absolutely yes.

i hope that you work out what is best for you, in your circumstnaces