Meeting with ex from 9 years ago this Saturday to discuss issues around his mum emotionally abusing ds

[feellikearubbishmummy]

This time last year Ds was saying he didnt want to stay with his dad as he gets left with his nan who is not nice to him. Very emotional and intimidating stuff, ds was tearful at school and spoke to various teachers about his feelings about his nan and what happens when he gets left with his nan on his own.

Fast forward a few months and ds was interviewed by CAFCASS and told the man about his experiences and what he would like to happen when he is having contact with his dad. Cafcass did report and contact continued and was very much improved.

Ds has recently become tearful again about going to his dads due to some more things his nan has said to him when he is alone with her. Some examples of this are she has told DS that she has been into the school and spoken to his headteacher and all of his teachers and that they are all on her side and wont believe anything he tells them again Another thing she has said is that her friend knows the person that spoke to us from Cafcass and she has been told that it was all made up and not written by ds. So all these people that ds has confined in she has told him that they are all now anti ds and that trust that ds has in now out of the window.
She has told ds that he must not tell anyone about any of this and if he does then his dad would move away and he would not see him again.

I prepared a very lengthy email outlining the concerns and demanding that ds is not left with his nan alone and that he does not share a bed with her. Ds decided he would rather meet up with his dad rather than me send the email so this is what has been arranged.

I need ex to see that is not me being anti his mum which I am as see is intimidating my ds. I need to get ex to take this seriously and see that this is really affecting ds and that this needs serious action otherwise ds wont be going anymore which is not what I want as ds loves spending time with his dad. But the fear in the lead up to ds going to his dads is destroying me.

I also have the constant worry about breaking the contact order that we have in place.

Any words of wisdom gratefully received.

Was the access ever formalised legally?

I would ing the head teacher at the school and explaain what ds had said. i would ask if he/she was able to reassure ds that it was not true and that teachers had to take children seriously. when you ring the head I would ask if anything change in ds's behaviour had been seen at school.

I wouldn't be tellling your ds's head teacher any of this over the phone - make an appontment to discuss it.

it is quite clear that, until this issue is resolved, at NO TIME should your ds be left with with your mil and he should not be sharing a bed with her unless he specifically wants to.

If contact has been ordered by a Court, get on to your solicitor with your concerns.

Why are you worried about breaking the contact order?

Break the contact order

I would see the pair of them in court

How old is your son ?

How old is your ds?

Yep my thoughts too AF. Your DS has spoken to people at school, CAFCASS are aware of the issues. Tbh they are the ones breaking the contact agreement by allowing the abuse to continue.

We went to court approx 3 years ago as ex wasnt happy with one night a week contact and wanted to change it to 2 nights a fortnight as it suited him better. The court suggested mediation so we agreed the terms through mediation then I got a letter from the courts with the wording contact order on it and advising me not to break the agreement (need to check the exact wording)
There is definitely no enforcement attached to the contact order although ex wanted this.

Headteacher is ringing me tomorrow I don't think there will be enough notice to arrange a meeting with her but I would like confirmation that his family have not gone into the school. Even though I am 99.9% sure this would not have happened I need ds to know that it is made up.

I worry about breaking the contact due to the fear of being taken back to court although I do realise that ds is much more important than my fear of court. I also know that ds likes to see his dad.

Will have to check what the actual wording of the cafcass report was I dont think they made any firm recommendations I think it was more a report on what each of us had told them. Ds also did some writing about what he wanted and what upset him. The report is at work with all my other bits but will check it tomorrow.

Given the circumstances and the level of distress your ds is experiencing, I would suggest you suspend contact pending a possible application to vary the existing Order to the effect that ds should at no time be left alone with his paternal dgm or for an undertaking to be sought from her that she will refrain from certain behaviour including requiring him to sleep in her bed.

All contact orders have wording to the effect of 'don't break it' but emergencies happen and the wording is more designed to deter those who would seek to summarily end contact for all time, rather than suspend it because of an unforeseeable event such as an evil old bag close relative undermining the child's confidence in just about all of the adults he has hitherto had no reason to distrust, making him feel bad about himself in the process, and causing him serious distress at the prospect of seeing or being left with her again.

Tut, tut, what is she on? Obviously not a truth drug

How can he still be leaving him alone with her????

Is your son now of an age where the Court would listen to him?

I don't know much about contact orders etc. but there is no way I would be allowing this contact to continue with the mother present at any time (unless DS is 15 or over, in which case I think it's for him to decide).

As a matter of curiousity, given the relatively short time he spends with his ds,why does his df leave him with the hag his dm?

I think it would be good for your DS if the headteacher to confirm to him herself that this never happened. He needs to have trust in his school.

Would your ex go back to mediation?

How could you not be "anti" his mum given her behaviour?

izzyizin- thanks for the advice regarding the variation of the order- I will look into this. I am not sure why he leaves ds, I know if I only saw him 4 days a month I would be making the most of every second.

Getting ex to see that this is actually really happening is like banging my head against a brick wall

Did you get a call back from the Headteacher?

No mushroom I didn't, the receptionist after many questions said she would text me with a time that I could ring in and talk to the head but that hasn't happened. will follow up on Monday.

There is a possibility that your ex has been emotionally abused all his life by his mother, and may not see what she does as abnormal or anything to worry about, or that he will be more concerned about protecting his mother than he is your dc, because he's still under her thrall.

I don't think you can rely on him to understand or take seriously your concerns. He evidently doesn't, to allow this situation to continue.

I think you need to protect your dc first and foremost, and if that means a change in access and even going to court, it needs to be done.

Thanks for posting dequoisagitil it puts a different spin on it all. It is difficult being a lone parent sometimes feel so alone in it all.

I also posted to see what other people felt about the examples I gave as I worry that to others they may seem like nothing and that I could be blowing it out of proportion. The examples were a few of many things that have happened I dont want to say to much through fear of outing.

The examples you do give are very worrying and I did want to point out that your ex is likely the result of toxic parenting himself, so possibly has pretty skewed boundaries - people do break the cycle but it takes personal insight.

I don't know how old your ds is, but while he may want to see his father, he doesn't necessarily know what's best for him. Sometimes being the good parent may involve looking like the bad guy and taking it out of their hands - it's a lot of responsibility for a child. The ex-mil sounds poisonous.