What to do?

[pinkyponk67]

NC just in case I am recognised. I have recently accidentally found out DP has a secret bank account. We have shared finances, and discuss all money matters together.

He has a separate current account for spending money which I do know about. If this other account is a savings account why would he not mention it?

We are short of money so did not exchange Xmas/bday presents this year.
We have been having some problems recently but thought we were working through them. I dont know why he would not tell me about a bank account when he knows everything about my finances?

How much money we talking about?

How did you 'accidentally' find out? And what do you mean by DP? Dating? Living together? Long-term?

Been together many years, have DC together, joint mortgage, all joint finances. I dont know how much is in the account, just that it exists and in the last month he has paid money into it from his current account.

is he a gambler?

Oh, I was just going to ask if he'd used it recently.

So it's active and secret from you when you're supposed to have joint finances.

Is it only the last month he's put money in or is it regular?

I had a savings account which my DH claimed to not know I had. It wasn't a secret, the bank set it up for me as I had a big amount in my current account following a house sale and they suggested it would be better off in a savings type account, higher interest etc....
I'd forgotten about it until recently.

Could it be something like that, or is he transferring money into it regularly, or withdrawing.....?

He might just be saving some for a rainy day. Do u live together?

Sorry x post whilst I was typing!

Hmm.... If it was me I would look through past statements to see if I could see where he had transferred money into it previously.
I would also look to find some statements for the secret account.

However, if you'd asked me a year ago I would of said just ask him.

As u can see from my username, times change.....

Was it a large transfer?

How much money has he paid into it from the current account? Prior to this, was anything amiss in the relationship?

It could be a number of things.

Do you have any excuses to try and figure out how much money you two have between you two?
If he mentions this account, then ask about it.

Or, go through statements to see where you can reduce expenditure and ask about that payment he made. Where to?

If he doesn't mention it, I'd be very weary.
It could be his "escape" fund, or be used for other activities so that it wouldn't show up in his regular statement.

You wrote that you as a couple have been having some problems recently but thought we were working through them.

What problems have you encountered and how have both of you tried to resolve same?.

Do you think this separate bank account you've now come across is linked to the above?.

He's transferred in £200 from his current acc this month. He isn't getting any paper statements for this secret account I don't think as I would have seen them coming in the post. He has dabbled in online poker but only free versions and not recently afaik.

£200 is a lot of money by pretty much anyone's standards.

What problems have you been having?

I'm not sure what to suggest. What I'd probably do is keep snooping if I'm honest. Watch what goes in and out of his account. Check his phone or laptop maybe.

After that I'd maybe slip in something into a conversation about secret bank accounts - relay a story from on here or from newspaper and watch his reaction closely/see what he says.

Yes I know some people will say 'just ask him' but if you have suspicions or rather your instincts say something is amiss then he will simply lie about this and set up another more secret account,

Just ask him.

Probably something innocent.

Tell us more about the problems in your relationship?

Has he been distant? Picking petty arguments? Withdrawn from family life? Possessive with his mobile?

(and don't ask him yet - you do not want him to cover his tracks even more)

How did you accidentally find out if there are no paper statements? Is it an account with his regular bank?

Problems have been him not pulling his weight with house and kids, spending all time on hobbies etc etc. me being very snappy and resentful. Things have got better recently. Its just odd because we've had lots of talks recently about money. He knows I have a separate savings acc, and I would have expected him to mention it if he had opened a new account for saving.

I found out onscreen, put it that way.

He'd left the banking screen open or something like that? You're going to have to ask him about it, of course. Wouldn't fly off the handle immediately in case he was salting money away for some nice surprise... you never know.

He's probably saving up to buy you a big treat one day

He sounds selfish and entitled. Have these traits suddenly got worse?

I wonder if he is having an affair which is why I am asking these questions. My DH had a secret account to fund his affair.

My DH started squirreling money away in the run up to our wedding, he wanted to pay for a really nice honeymoon. His heart was in the right place, but unfortunately money was (still is!) really tight and it wasn't until I said we'd need to postpone the wedding due to lack of funds that he came clean and admitted how much he'd saved. Could it be something as innocent as that?

Perhaps he's saving up for a surprise, do you have a big birthday coming up which might warrant a big present/holiday/party? Don't automatically assume the worst, it might be something nice?

I hope it is something nice like a surprise present!