Sex drive has withered and died?

[CrowLady]

Mine that is.

I've NC for this post btw.

Married over 10yrs. Not in a stressful job but studying at the moment, which is both tiring and stressful.
We live in a one-bedroomed property which we cannot change structurally.
DH not in a stressful job but works two jobs so is often tired.
We have a young child who is currently going through what is best described as a clingy phase.
I had a major bereavement in the middle of last year which to be honest I've not really come to terms with properly, although I don't feel that I'm in denial.

Basically DH is still very keen to keep the fires burning but currently is staying up late every night to keep on track with both jobs. This means I'm asleep when he does come to bed. Usually our child will have woken at least once by this point and I will have got up to soothe and comfort.
Quite often when he does come to bed he's in the mood, shall we say. However, I just want to sleep.

We have very limited options on childcare and are both feeling quite stressed because of the clingy phase (which is also accompanied by night terrors/late nights/early starts/tantrums), and a bit snappy with each other.

What can I do to
a) feel more sexy (rather than feeling like a lump of flesh that's being pawed by a randy octopus)
b) act more sexy/get on with shagging!

You need some decent quality sleep and some child-free time. Those are the crux of the problem and unless addressed I can't see any improvement. IF you force yourself to make the effort while knackered and feeling unsexy, you'll just come to resent your DH, even though he isn't the cause of the problem.

Have you tried every avenue of help to deal with your DC's sleeping problems/clinginess? How old is your child? Talk to the midwife, ask other parents for advice, go to the Dr - try everything. Life is SO much easier if you have enough sleep.

What about bereavement counselling for you? You can request counselling through your GP, though there may be a very long wait. IF you can't afford it privately, there are charities that can help. Searching the internet will throw some up.

If money is an issue for affording professional childcare, find a willing teenager locally or even agree a deal with another family whereby you babysit for them one week and they have your child another.

IF all else fails, remember that this will eventually pass, and as long as you and your DH can talk and communicate well throughout this period, you'll eventually come out the other side. Try to commiserate with each other, rather than get into competitive tiredness rows or allowing resentment over sex (or the lack of) to build.

Hope you feel better soon.

You need to make effort to create some time with each other, relax, de-stress, sleep (!) and just be adults together. It's really easy to prioritise everything and everyone over 'us' but you can end up, as you seem to be now, very knackered ships that pass in the night. Tell him that the 'pawing' is really not helping you feel sexy and desirable. Work on ways to demonstrate affection (rather than sex). Then give yourselves the urgent challenge of organising some serious couple time without your DC, without job, without staying up late etc. It's important.

I am not surprised your libido is MIA. You're emotionally and physically exhausted and your dc is using up all your energy & attention. You're probably feeling touched out and motherhood has taken over.

What you need to do is keep talking and reassuring each other, try to be loving & intimate without it being about shagging.

Sex can easily become a chore & thus undesirable, if there's pressure to perform. If he paws at you and nags, he's reducing his own desirability and that's something he needs to take heed of.