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Original poster

Torn between wanting him here all the time and feeling a bit of a mug

88 replies

ShannyS · 10/01/2013 08:58

DP and I have had a very rocky time since the New Year to the point where we very nearly split up. At one point, I was absolutely convinced we were over. But we talked and he promised that he'd prove to me that he was 100% committed to our relationship.

Since then he's stayed at my house every night other than Saturday night (which is when he has his kids). I asked him during our argument where this staying over thing was going (as it's been gradually increasing as time went on) and wondered if he wanted to move in. He said he was happy as things were and he wanted to keep it the same for now. When he said this, he was staying over around 4 nights a week. Now it's 6 nights a week and I'm starting to wonder if I'm being a bit of a mug. I mean, lets face it - he's practically living here without the responsibilty that comes with officially moving in somewhere.

I love him being here, love his company and don't begrudge it but when I'm feeding an extra person every night and more electric/water/gas etc is being used and my house is filling up with "bloke stuff" I can't help thinking he's taking his cake and eating it! Perfect set up really isn't it. Live somewhere 6 nights a week but don't make it official and avoid having to contribute.

He does loads around the house, loads of chores as well as DIY and he's great with my kids but I'm confused. I asked if he wanted to move in and he said no. Do I give him an ultimatum and say he either moves in properly or spends more nights at his own house or am I just biting off my nose to spite my face as I actually really enjoy him being here?

OP posts:
dequoisagitil · 10/01/2013 09:35

This just sounds worse & worse. Does he pat you on the head as well Grin?

Original poster
ShannyS · 10/01/2013 09:38

off to hair dressers so I'll be back later (incase you think I've done a runner) Grin

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/01/2013 09:38

" If he's restricted to 3 nights a week I'm hoping he'll start to consider asking about us living together properly. "

You still want to live with this condescending free-loader? Wow..

expatinscotland · 10/01/2013 09:39

'If he's restricted to 3 nights a week I'm hoping he'll start to consider asking about us living together properly.'

Why do you want to live with this man? And subject your kids to him? Get a self-esteem. It's tragic that you have so many hopes around this pathetic cocklodger.

expatinscotland · 10/01/2013 09:43

'I sometimes think he see's me as being quite naive/gullible as a result.'

You are. He is getting free room and board and great service from you, with you hanging on that he'll actually take your relationship seriously.

mammadiggingdeep · 10/01/2013 09:45

So sorry but I think he's a cocklodger!!!! A cheating one too by the sounds of it. Have you researched male thrush? Can they get it without catching it from somebody?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/01/2013 09:48

Thrush can develop for various reasons that don't involve anyone else. But it can also be passed on from one person to another.

This guy is enjoying having the old tootsies under the table with a woman that thinks he can do no wrong, cooking and sock-washing but too insecure to ask for any cash. He can be part of a nice ready-made family with benefits... and no requirement to contribute. Who wouldn't love that!? However, a decent man wouldn't have to be asked - he'd be offering.

CuriousMama · 10/01/2013 09:50

My dp is 13 years older than me, exdh was 12 years older. Neither make me feel like that.

Enjoy the pampering Smile

CuriousMama · 10/01/2013 09:51

Exdh is still 12 years older not was Grin

struwelpeter · 10/01/2013 09:51

My ex started off like this. It was the odd bottle of wine, an occasional grand gesture of doing the shopping. It slid and we never did have the conversation about how to split the costs/responsibilities of living together. (There was much worse than cocklodging but that was the start).
I too had DCs on my own and so it seemed an easy thing, no need for babysitters and I gradually saw less and less of my friends. When things got worse, I had no perspective.
So in your case, don't fall hook line and sinker for this man. Make sure you have one night a week on your own at least and one night with your friends. Until you are in a fully committed relationship he doesn't have exclusive rights about how and when you spend time together. He's got a place, so he keeps most of his stuff there.
Time you too spend together should be fun, relaxing, entertaining and not include washing his bloody socks Grin you deserve to get something out of this relationship too and play an equal role.

dequoisagitil · 10/01/2013 09:52

Sweaty fungal balls and socks to wash! Grin Sounds sexeh.

TotallyBS · 10/01/2013 09:55

Nice to see the Sisterhod of Dump the Bastard is thriving in its membership.

The BF does lots of chores around the house. He pays when they go out. He is paying for most of the US trip. He has bought her a new camera for the trip. But hey, what a cocklodger. Great advice ladies. Grin

Cogito: I see that you are filling in the blanks in this thread as well. I mean, you didn't even wait to find out whether the guy pays for nights out or the US holiday before rushing to offer your opinion.

When we were dating I spent the majority of the time at DPs who had a house versus my humble one bedroom flat. I never contributed to the expenses although I did occasionally turn up with groceries. It never occurred to me to directly contribute towards the bills.

The 'funny' thing is that if an OP were to start a thread about how a BF insisted in a clear cut 50/50 sharing of going out expenses then there would be no shortage of advice to dump the cheap bastard.

OP: You said that he has his kids one day a week. Maybe he rather keep that part of his life separate. Hence the desire to not move in 100%.

wewereherefirst · 10/01/2013 09:56

My DH is 11 years older and wouldn't dare patronise me because of my age, I wouldn't put up with it, neither should you.

He is a Cocklodger, tell him to pay up or fuck off.

McKayz · 10/01/2013 09:56

The man is quite obviously using the free accomodation, laundry etc.

But it doesn't mean he's cheating because he has thrush. If a woman posted she had thrush you wouldn't all say she'd been cheating.

Numberlock · 10/01/2013 09:57

The BF does lots of chores around the house. He pays when they go out. He is paying for most of the US trip. He has bought her a new camera for the trip

For which she should be eternally grateful shouldn't she, Totally.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/01/2013 09:59

"Cogito: I see that you are filling in the blanks in this thread as well. I mean, you didn't even wait to find out whether the guy pays for nights out or the US holiday before rushing to offer your opinion."

And I see you're defending this man and have got it in for me as usual!!! Plus ca change....

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/01/2013 10:00

"It never occurred to me to directly contribute towards the bills."

That just makes you as bad as the cocklodger... Hmm

dequoisagitil · 10/01/2013 10:03

But at least you took round groceries once in a while, eh pet?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 10/01/2013 10:09

He talks down to you, and you wash his socks.

I think you're hanging on to this relationship in the hopes that some day he will treat you with respect and consideration. It doesn't look likely though, does it?

TotallyBS · 10/01/2013 10:14

Cogito: As usual I got it in for the Sisterhood of Dump the Bastard. You just happen to be a name I remember from an earlier thread.

dequoisagitil · 10/01/2013 10:17

What's the alternative to LTB? Lower your expectations, accept being used and worship the mighty cock?

janelikesjam · 10/01/2013 10:23

Hi OP. Sorry you are having this rocky time. One thing I think is that you lost control of the direction of the relationship pretty early on and its quite difficult to get that back now, but not impossible. Its also worth asking yourself why you let things slide into this situation, since its clearly not what you want.

I do think you have made it too easy for him - he gets all the perks of a relationship with none of the tiresome commitment aspects from his point of view. It all sounds rather comfortable, but you're not married and he's not properly contributing. I don't quite take the cocklodger view but I think it more than a bit cheeky for him to assume you will wash his socks tbh (since you mention it!). But then again, you went along with it, said nothing, and washed them Hmm.

Assuming you want to continue with this relationship after this rocky patch, perhaps you need to have a conversation about it, e.g. on the lines that you're not really living together so perhaps you need to keep up your own lives, that puts the ball nicely in his court to think about. Or else you could just start "going out" a few times a week or have other commitments so its not convenient for him to come round. That way you get to have your own (big) slice of cake.

TotallyBS · 10/01/2013 10:25

Grin at comnents about how the OP was talking down to the OP. I'm younger than my brother by 14 years with the result that I am older than his DS, my nephew, by only 10 years. I often say things like what the BF said to my now adult nephew. Ok it's not a GF BF relation but even so, it is a reflection on YOU and your insecurities to interpret these few words in a negative manner.

garlicbollocks · 10/01/2013 10:28

if an OP were to start a thread about how a BF insisted in a clear cut 50/50 sharing of going out expenses then there would be no shortage of advice to dump the cheap bastard.

I disagree. But our short acquaintance has already taught me you just love making assumptions about what Mumsnet would say, in some fictional other circumstances, about an issue that doesn't exist on the thread under discussion. I have no idea what purpose this serves.

Dahlen · 10/01/2013 10:33

Could it be the time of year? It's only 10 days since New Year's Eve, so the 6-days-a-week pattern might not be typical of how it will be for the rest of the year. In my dating experience I always spent loads more time with a partner over Christmas holidays - like most days of it - whereas normal pattern of dating would be once every 7-10 days (busy).

IF this carries on, he is most definitely taking the piss and doesn't get to wriggle out of it because he's paid for some expensive luxuries, which although nice were neither solicited nor necessary. Food and utilities are essentials, and while he could just be generous about these things, lavish gift giving can be a technique used by manipulative types to duck responsibility in other areas and deflect attention from it.

Personally, I'd say tackle him about it dead on. If he's a decent, honest guy he may feel a little affronted initially but soon see where you're coming from and negotiate a solution to suit both of you. You'll set up a good precedent for mature communication between the two of you and the strength of your relationship will improve.

If you pussy foot around it, or don't challenge him about it all, resentment will build til you explode and ruin it anyway. Worse still, you'll carry on for years, always questioning his motives and commitment, possibly until something else happens to make you realise this man wasn't worth your effort or time.

If he is a cocklodger, far better to find out sooner rather than later. And if he isn't, then you'll save yourself weeks of angst.