Lovely new man but can't relax and enjoy things

[OhWesternWind]

I'm a regular on the dating thread and someone on there has kindly suggested I start my own thread on the main Relationships board about some issues I'm having. So here goes . . .

I was with my ex for over 17 years, he was violent and abusive to me and the children. Ended up moving over a hundred miles away to get away from him, horrible court cases, the works. Came out of that with my confidence pretty much destroyed but built a new life for me and the children, had counselling via women's aid and through work for the best part of two years, settled in to the new area and started enjoying life again and was feeling good about myself and the children were happy and settled.

About eighteen months after the end of the relationship with ex, I decided I was ready to start dating again. I tried online dating over the summer, had eight or so dates with very pleasant chaps but nothing came of them, then I met a lovely man who I've been with since September.

We are both in our 40s so have our own "baggage" as you'd expect, and whilst we've been together there have been problems in terms of health, family etc but nothing to do with the relationship itself, which is going amazingly well. So well in fact that he told me at new year that he loves me. I think he is wonderful, love being with him, admire him in many ways, love being in bed with him, love him full stop. Our children have had a low-key day out together and all went well. All good so far!

So, here's the problem and it's all me, really. Although I felt ready for dating, I now find that I have pretty low self-confidence. I find it hard to believe that he genuinely wants to be with me. When he said he loves me, I honestly thought it was a wind up. I worry about mucking things up by doing/not doing something. Worst of all, I find it almost impossible to be emotionally open with him and let him know how I feel. He has been very brave with revealing his feelings to me (with no real idea how I'd react) and he's taken the lead with moving the relationship on, very slowly and carefully. He's aware of what has happened in the past and is very considerate and kind. He's not given me any reason to lack in confidence or to believe that things will go wrong, quite the opposite in fact.

I had a bit of a lightbulb moment last night and realised that I am expecting him to behave like my ex in terms of belittling me, ignoring me, doing things deliberately to make me feel bad and upset, lying etc etc. He has done none of these things, but they are what I seem to expect from a relationship and so there is a part of me that believes they're going to come at some point.

I'm not worrying about this all the time, maybe a couple of times a week, and he doesn't know that I feel like this. It comes and goes, and when I'm a bit low about something else it all gets worse. It's worse at night too when I'm by myself with the children in bed. I do get a huge amount of enjoyment and satisfaction out of the relationship, but I do want/need to be able to be open with him about what I'm feeling. I am scared stiff of opening up and making myself vulnerable, but he's already told me his feelings so what is there to be scared of?

It's so stupid and frustrating. I know what I'm doing and why, I know I don't want to do it and that I want to be able to be confident, happy and open with him. Maybe I should have taken longer before starting a relationship, but I did honestly feel ready, and now I am where I am anyway. I think it's because this one does really matter to me that all these irrational fears and worries have started. What I'm asking is, how can I actually make changes and stop this behaviour? Do I just make myself put these thoughts out of my mind and make myself bite the bullet and share my feelings with him (in a non-cringeworthy way, of course)? If I do it once, will it get easier? Help!!

Sorry, that got ever so long. Thanks for reading.

How to change? Tell him how you feel. It's OK to say that you've been hurt in the past and occasionally have trouble trusting people or you experience some irrational insecurities. One of those conversations that starts... 'this is going to sound silly but...' No drama. Your ex would probably have used that information to make your life more miserable but a normal, kind and reasonable man will go out of his way to be reassuring. If you're scared of opening up, it might actually kill two birds with one stone.

Yes, I just need to do it, don't I?

He knows the outline of what happened with my ex, but I've not told him how it's affected me. I've also told him I'm a chickenshit when it comes to saying how I feel, but these have been little bits of conversations weeks and weeks apart. Really I want to be able to tell him how I feel without suffering agonies over it.

Pick your moment when you're feeling really close to each other, work out a way of phrasing it that isn't going to scare the willies out of him (!), then see what he says. IME the things I agonise over are rarely as bad as the anticipation. Hope it's the same for you.

How much do you know about his own relationship history?

I often think that it's not someone's current behaviour in a new relationship that should be judged as the 'real him' but how he's behaved and acted in previous relationships with women.

When I interview someone for a job, I know that they'll be telling me what I want to hear so I don't ask hypothetical questions or accept they way they present at face value. I ask them to give me examples of when they've dealt with tricky or difficult issues in former employment. It can be incredibly revealing and it's a bit more difficult to lie and embellish, especially if you keep the questions neutral.

This is based on sound psychological practice which is that how people have behaved in the past is the best indicator of how they'll behave in the future.

While I wouldn't suggest you interrogate him interview-style, it would be interesting to hear how he's managed conflict in past relationships, how he's left them, how he delivered/received criticism, how he dealt with crushes/attractions to others etc.

While I think it'd be good to tell him more about your past and why you're so cautious and fearful, remember that you need to know about his past too and that hearing about that is more likely to reassure you (or raise red flags!) than talking about your own.

He's been very open with me about his past and why his marriage and previous ltr didn't work out. I know it's just one side of the story, but there's nothing there or in how he interacts with other people or anything to make me think red flags. I think he's one of the decent guys. But of course it's difficult to be 100% certain and I do doubt my own judgement sometimes. But my friends and family like him too so that's reassuring.

I may have worded my post a little misleadingly as what I want to be able to be open about is my feelings. I'm fed up of hiding behind a defensive wall and want to stop putting up barriers. He does know the bare bones about my ex but I don't want to go over things in any great detail with him (or anyone) on this subject apart from where I think it influences my behaviour.

I actually think that, for the length of the relationship , you're doing just fine. It's only been 4 months so try and calm down a little and just enjoy the moment. Tricky I know! Remind yourself ( every time you feel worried or panicky ) that all is how it should be and all is well.

When the time is right, just say something like ' I'm really happy in this relationship and this is something that I just couldn't have imagined this time last year. I had a real confidence dive after leaving my ex and it wasn't much fun ...'

This way you open up a dialogue without sounding too heavy. A decent man will enter into a discussion with you and you'll be able to articulate your fears.

As I said before though - its early days and some of these worries you have would be par for the course for a lot of people

I agree with Shiny. You are doing fine.
There is no obligation to reveal your inner most feelings at this point. He's happy, you are happy. All is good. Indeed actions speak louder than words

There is a lot of undoing to be done after do long in an abusive relationship. I know this too very well. I was in one for 15 years and am only at dating stage after nearly 2 years out of it. I can't bring myself to take that extra step (actually don't want to at the mo either but....) and get triggered by seemingly idiotic things. E.g. Last week, a long term dating partner was taking the piss pretending to be angry with me because I had broken something of his by accident. I literally burst into tears, shocking myself completely. And he felt terrible. I realised I was still completely petrified of an 'angry man'.
I also cannot reveal my feelings to anyone, because actually I want to protect myself, get strong, not be reliant on someone else for my worth.....all of that and much more.
But again, I think you're doing fine. You feel ok. There's no rush. You don't know him that well.......it would be more worrying if you were declaring your love at the drop of a hat here just to appease him

Thanks Shine, that's very reassuring. I've not started a new relationship for around twenty years and I'm sure it wasn't this hard then! I Ann so glad you think I'm normal

I like your suggested conversation opener - might give it a go over the weekend. I don't want to get heavy or make a big thing of it, but I don't want him to feel its all one sided and he's doing all the running.

Mcm sounds like you're about where I'm at. Two years free this month whoo hoo!!

I totally get what you say throughout your post. All of it. I am very independent now, very self reliant. And now I find I've become those things so well it's difficult to relax a bit and let someone in. I need to find a balance here to get the best of both worlds which is so difficult.

The thing is for me, in my abusive relationship, I was not allowed to have feelings and any feeling I did have were generally ridiculed and belittled, so I learned to not bother with them at all and concentrate on appeasing him and his anger. The fact that I even hear my feelings and acknowledge them now is pretty life changing and every day they get a bit closer to the surface.

It frustrates me sometimes, as I hear it does you too in your post, but at the same time I feel so free, so happy and so excited for the future.

Is your bf even asking you how you feel about him or worried about how you feel about him? Or can I sense that this is also a remnant of abusive relationships that you feel you must quickly appease him? I've been there if it is that and there is a great article on baggagereclaim.co.uk called "women who talk too much" that might be worth a read.

I think he is a bit unsure how I feel although he doesn't ask. Its not like he says "I love you, do you love me?" or is wanting compliments and stuff from me, though of course we all like that kind of thing. He was worried when he told me he loved me in case he'd overstepped the mark and pushed things too far, when in fact I was absolutely thrilled that he'd said it.

I just want to be able to be open and natural. I had plenty of feelings with my ex but rarely showed them. I became very closed and inexpressive so as not to give him more ammunition. But lots of feelings inside. I worry if people know what I'm thinking they will laugh or mock me or embarrass me or call me names, all coming from ex and all stuff I know most normal sane people don't do. But I have to know someone very well before I can relax and show my real self with them, and there are very few people I feel safe doing this with. I'm really surprised that I've found a man I actually want to be open with. It's a real breakthrough and a good first step I think. Now how do I take the second step is what's concerning me.

Keep saying yourself ' it's been 4 months ...' That is no time at all!

I've been with my boyfriend for ten months. He told me he loved me after 7 months. Really - the ted flags are when someone is spouting this sort of stuff three minutes in. He hasn't done that so try and relax.

Another good mantra is ' do nothing for 12 months ' ... So no moving in, no mingling of finances , no heavy family stuff. For the first year you send your ambassador on dates don't you ? Your best self. That's what you'll be seeing after 4 months - his ambassador. As you get to know him you'll see more of the real him.

Try not to big of all this up in your head. There is no need for a heavy discussion - just a mild opener as I mentioned before and see where that leads

Ill stop dribbling on

Oh goodness, no, no plans about moving in or anything, not at all. I like things how they are at the moment and there's no way I am ready for anything major like that. In fact, I don't know if I will ever want to live with anyone again but that's something that can take its own time to sort out. We have both said we want to take things slowly and carefully, and I'm more than happy with that. I enjoy going out with him and stopping over at his, and it would be good to do more things with the children all together as "family friends" days out type of stuff.

I am not a fan of heavy emotional conversations so my intention is to keep things light and not make either of us cringe in embarrassment.

I really appreciate everyone posting and helping me out with this one. It is really good to know that I am reasonably normal about this as I feel that some of my boundaries and reactions to things might be a little distorted after the experiences with my ex. Now I feel I can have a bit more confidence in myself and how I react to stuff, and also that maybe I didn't start dating too soon after all. Thank you.