I am such an idiot and I hate myself :-(

[wileycoyote]

I am in an emotional mess and feel stuck in a relationship that I can't leave. My BF and his wife were living separately when we met and got together in August 2010 and he said they were having a trial separation in their relationship.

I stupidly agreed to accept it when she moved over and in with him the following May - he said he wanted to spend time with his kids an that he woul leave her by the end of the year. I couldn't say goodbye and I had fallen completely in love with him - complete infatuation- so I have waited and waited and carried on seeing him. He has stayed at my house a night or two a week over this time, and we have been on holidays together.

I always felt terrible about his wife but, well, I'm obviously gullible, immoral or totally selfish, or all of the above. i couldn't give up because I thought it might be just about to work out.

Anyway. He finally rented a place in September and after that I thought it was all going to work out between us but i have checked out where his car was a few times at night and on several occasions it was near or outside his wife's house. i confronted him and he had various excuses - he was on his bike, the kids didn't want to go to his, he was out with mutual friends and got too drunk to drive and left the car there etc etc. Just enough to make me doubt myself.

I feel completely disorientated by it all and obsessed and as soon as i see him I seem to be unable to keep my boundaries. Historically we always had a lovely time but now I just fel used and mental but still can't leave, despite the fact i feel i am being manipulated. i just keep hoping I am wrong, particularly as he is so convincing face to face. i am due to see him tomorrow and need to say to him he needs to make a choice as I can't carry like this.

I realise a lot of you will probably have a go at me, but I need to see it all in black and white as it is all so shameful. Prior to this I was in what felt like an abusive relationship and I just feel so totally unlovable.

"she moved over and in with him the following May"

So, it was never a 'trial separation' then? He just went ahead to start his new job and she joined him with the children later?

And this place he's rented? She knows nothing about it and it's being used only when he sees you or anyone else he's suckered in?

This bloke was never separated lovey. I think you must have always known that deep down. I feel so sorry for his wife - in a strange environment having to get kids settled in to schools and not even welcomed at his new workplace that might have been a source of friendship to her.

What a bastard.

Get rid of him.

Even if you got him under false pretences, he'd be doing the same to you - probably quicker next time because he probably has less respect for you than he does his wife.

Go get some counselling to find out why you either fell for such tall tales or overlooked the obvious. If everyone knows about it at work, talk to your manager about the situation and see if there's anything they can do to help you minimise interactions.

No Judgement here, you need to fight the urge and go for total radio silence, hes nothing but a liar to you and his wife, get stronger, when your stronger, the manipulators bypass you because your not for the taking anymore.

It's exactly how Badinage and Bogey are telling it, honey. His dw is undoubtedly under the impression that the nights he's spent with you and your holidays away are occasions when he's been required to work away from the marital home by the company you are both employed by.

He has used you and I suggest you tell him it's over and that if he doesn't stay well away from you, you'll tell his wife about your affair.

If nothing else, mention of telling his dw should enable you to see that he has no intention of letting her find out that he's been having a full on aldulterous relationship with an ow, namely, yourself.

FWIW, I suspect you're not the only woman who's visited his rented flat and I also suspect his dw knows nothing about this establishment.

If this man had, in fact, left his dw and had honourable intentions towards you, given the length of time that's elapsed since you first began your affair, he'd have sought a divorce and you'd have been introduced to is dc.

Historically we always had a lovely time It's unsurprisingly easy to have a lovely time with a man you fancy the pants off when you don't have to live with him 24/7. I wonder whether his dw has such a lovely time when he's around?