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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He says he doesnt know whether he wants to be with me anymore

108 replies

TheSeventhHorcrux · 08/01/2013 08:21

And it feels like everything has just been ripped from me.
He says he still loves me and was trying to comfort me but insists that he "doesn't know where his head's at" and his "head is really messed up right now" and that he doesn't know what he wants.
There was a week of feeling very distanced preceding this but before that everything was fine.
We were the strongest couple I knew and he is my best friend. All I want is him to comfort me but obviously that's not going to happen.
We've been living together for 3 years and share everything including a dog.
Our whole future is planned together, everything, so I feel so completely lost and empty. Everything I think of has changed because our lives so completely revolved around one another.
I just want to curl up and die because there is nothing left.
If he did leave me I would die because I can't see how it could be any worse than this

OP posts:
mumat39 · 08/01/2013 11:50

Cogito, I u deer stand what you're saying, but aren't some men still unable to communicate feelings? My dP is exactly like that and he's 42. He grew up in a family with three brothers. He was sent to boarding school from a young age and his mum is lovely but sometimes seems a bit un cuddly if that makes sense.

So he didn't ever really learn to express his feelings. He will never complain about anything. I on the other hand have no problem with getting things off my chest. He sometimes has an outburst about something silly like I left something in the way. I might not have done it for ages, but the fact that the same thing happened a few months previously and he didn't just say that it annoyed him, he'll get all dramatic with 'you're ALWAYS leaving things lying around'. That's obviously a silly example but hopefully it makes some sense.

Men are just not like women. They don't do feelings. Women do. Each sex expects the other to always see things the way they do, but we don't and probably never will.

TheSeventh, I'm so pleased you spoke about things. Like I said you reminded me of me. In an ideal world your DP would have just said 'I feel a by bad for going out without you' but he built I up in his own head and then had an outburst which was the conversation. Often that happens and then the real issue comes out and then ou can move on. Maybe he is selfish, but really, nt many men can just talk. It's almost like they have to create a bi of a drama before being able to talk about it. It's silly but it is true. My dad was the same with my mum.

Also, men like to feel wanted rather than needed, or at least that's my opinion. Start doing things for yourself and prove to him that you don't need him, in a good way. Sorry for the long post again.

Hope everything's alright with you and you can put this behind you. Xxx

mumat39 · 08/01/2013 11:51

And what Badinage said.

ErikNorseman · 08/01/2013 11:54

'Men don't do feelings'

Oh Fgs.

patienceisvirtuous · 08/01/2013 11:59

Just this from Badinage: "one of the best life lessons you'll learn from this is not to invest your whole life's purpose in one individual"

Hope it works out for you.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 08/01/2013 12:00

mumat - of course men do feelings. Just because you have the misfortune to be in a relationship with an emotionally stunted, incommunicative man doesn't mean that they are all like that.

baremadness · 08/01/2013 12:04

I spent most of my 20s thinking i couldnt have children and that the longer we waited the less change we would have (met dh at 20). We concieved our daughter first go when I was 28. It was the right time for us and I have no regrets about having her. I do regret wasting my early 20s about worrying and planning for what might or might not happen.

The future is for the future. I am not saying dont save or plan or get a pension. I am saying give it only as much emphasis on the future as you have on now. Dont look back and regret wasted time.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2013 12:09

"Cogito, I u deer stand what you're saying, but aren't some men still unable to communicate feelings?"

I'm sure there are. What I don't agree with is the argument that if someone is unhappy as a result they must accept 'that's just how he is'.... and get over it. Because that is saying that someone cannot learn how to communicate, can't change and... more importantly... won't even try for the sake of their partner's happiness. That is very, very wrong and I think too many women make those kinds of excuses already.

mumat39 · 08/01/2013 12:10

Ok. Fair point. DP is actually really lovely and in lots of ways he does lots of things right. With him though the biggest issue I have is that he doesn't express his feelings very well but not all the time, just when something's bugging him. Like I said, he thinks he's complaining and doesn't want to make a fuss.

I was wrong to generalise. And it's reassuring to know that not all men are like that. Hmm. Maybe I should trade him in, for one with the emotional chip in place.

HappyNewHissy · 08/01/2013 12:12

Just keep talking to him Mumat39, it'll reboot sort him eventually. Grin

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/01/2013 12:14

Re your earlier comment below:-

"Not just because of him but I have huge trust issues with men daddy issues (those two words were crossed out) and he is the only man I have ever completely trusted".

May be wide of the mark here but it sounds like your Dad let you down and disappointed you big time. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. You do not have to answer that but it is a question that is seriously worth considering.

Before you embark on another relationship also may I suggest you tackle your trust issues re men and your Dad head on and properly this time through counselling if needs be.

Do not make any one man the sole centre of your world and or being.

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

mumat39 · 08/01/2013 12:22

Cogito, I see where you're coming from and of course you're right. DP is better at expssing himself now, but it has been a learning curve for him, but he has learned. The thing is this sort of thing happened in our earlier relationship. I didn't passively accept it. I do get annoyed and am better in an argument than he is so do get my point across. Looking back, I'm glad I didn't just dump him, as we were both learning about each other. At the time I probably did think I could do without this, but warts an all, for both of us, we are still together, happily unmarked 11 years down the line with 2 lovely kids.

Also looking back and with anti depressants in my system helping me see things for what they were rather than me being a victim, most of the time, his reactions like that we're because I was so insecure in our relationship due to baggage and trust issues I'd brought to the relationship from my earlier failed marriage. I used to want him to not go out, even though he hardly did. I wanted to know every detail about his day and I would look for warning signs that he was upto what my ex had been up to. I don't really think I made it easy for him, but we stuck at it and am so so glad we did.

With respect to my failed marriage, I stuck at that for over 10 years, but in that case, you're right, I should have just said enough is enough and taken my leave. I wish I had known about mumsnet then as I'm sure I could have left a lot sooner with the support on here.

Apologies for upsetting anyone.

mumat39 · 08/01/2013 12:22

Happened early in our relationship. Sorry.

mumat39 · 08/01/2013 12:24

Happily un married, not unmarked.

PureQuintessence · 08/01/2013 12:31

"Ive fucked up"

He fucked somebody on New Years Eve. Sorry. He is texting you because he feels guilty.

Let him go, and move on.

mumat39 · 08/01/2013 12:36

I've just re-read what I wrote and I should have said 'some men don't deal with their feelings in the same ways as women'

Also, don't stay with him because you have planned a future together. Stay for the moment, as baremadness says, the future is the future and you have no idea what it will bring. I stayed in my marriage because we had planned a future together even though I wasn't sure of it from pretty much the moment we got to married. THat was a lot of wasted years.

dreamingbohemian · 08/01/2013 13:26

That's so true Mumat -- don't stay just because you have this future all planned. The future you want at 21 might not be the same one you want some years from now.

Skyebluesapphire · 08/01/2013 13:39

Hi there. I hope that things work out for you and that there isn't somebody else involved. You need to talk honestly with each other. As others have said, you also need to start building your own life as well, meet friends etc, so that if you do break up at any point, that you have a life that doesn't revolve around him.

I really hope that there isn't OW, but I thought the same as you, my XH was NOT the type to get involved with somebody else, never ever would he do that. Sadly he developed an emotional affair with his mates wife which existed of contact mainly through text, email and facebook, so even if he has no spare time, anything is possible.

I just want you to keep an open mind that's all.

Not every blip in a relationship has to be because of OW, but quite often they are :-(

TheSeventhHorcrux · 08/01/2013 15:49

"May be wide of the mark here but it sounds like your Dad let you down and disappointed you big time. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. You do not have to answer that but it is a question that is seriously worth considering."

Attila I recently (Oct 2011) became estanged from my father, who is divorced from my mother, after having the self-respect and objectivity to realise that I don't need to put up with his malipulative meaness anymore. He was never there for me when I was a child, never turned up when he was meant to have me for the weekend, when he did have me just fit me around his life and constantly verbally abused my mother whenever he got the chance. He treated me like he owned me (he's very rich and that's his mindset) and made me think that everything I did was a mistake.
So you're not wide of the mark at all!

OP posts:
TheSeventhHorcrux · 08/01/2013 15:52

I genuinely don't think there is an OW. I just don't. After 3 years of living with him I would just know. I am naive on many things but I can respect our relationship enough to know that there wasn't, and isn't, an extra person to consider here.

(except the dog!)

OP posts:
TheSeventhHorcrux · 08/01/2013 15:53

Have talked it through with Mum and Best Friend (who know him and our relationship well, and think I have resolved many of my own issues with the situation) at the moment I'm just fighting off the horrendous hurt and confusion that comes with such a sudden state of affairs.

OP posts:
ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath · 08/01/2013 16:14

Oh dear OP, I really feel for you, I do know that feeling of wanting to be with someone that you love so much that you ignore what's really happening.

Imagine things were reversed; what would prompt you to say the things he has said and send the texts he has sent? Is he really treating you in a way that you would find acceptable to treat him?

FWIW, my X had emotional affairs (never physical) and his behaviour was changing before me but I wouldn't accept it. It was due to the fantastic advice I received on this board that I had the courage to tell him to leave. Do you know what? It did feel like the world was ending for about 2 weeks but then I started to feel lighter, it still hurts but it's still early days (2 months ago) and I do have to see him regularly as we have a dc. HOWEVER, he has now realised just how badly he has behaved and wants me back so much that he's willing to do just about anything. I, on the other hand, am so much stronger and have no plans to reconcile things yet, the ball is in my court now and it is so empowering.

Good luck and put yourself first.

freeandhappy · 08/01/2013 19:22

Why don't you listen to him. He told you he fucked up but you won't hear that. Give him the space to tell you what happened on nye. It's so obvious he feels terrible about something but you are using your innocence to ward off him telling you. You do NOT know. and maybe keep your mum out of it

freeandhappy · 08/01/2013 19:32

Also think its grossly unfair to say you'd die without him and I hope you are not putting that pressure on him. I must say that if it were my son and he got himself involved with someone who made him the centre of her world by dropping out of college and making your whole lives completely entwined including the dog and the dream that you will die if it doesn't happen I would be freaked out and strongly advising him to back up. 21 and so needy and dependent. Not right I'm afraid.

TheSeventhHorcrux · 08/01/2013 19:37

when did i say that I had a dream that I would die?

I am not needy or dependant. But thanks for your support and making me feel so much more secure Confused

OP posts:
freeandhappy · 08/01/2013 19:48

Sorry I meant your dream of the land and building the house and your lives together all mapped out at 21. Are you just messing saying you want to die then? I don't mean to be harsh but I've known some real emotional blackmailers in my time and I'm very wary of it. Refusing to accept that there might be more to someone than fits your ideal of them eg he would never be with someone else suggests to me that you are not able to really honour his difference from you. You sound quite controlling. Back off and calm down with mapping out the next 60 years! Sounds totally over the top to me and like you are trying to bind yoursel to him with the dog and everything. Can you see that might be claustrophobic. Is he scared of breaking up with you do you think?