I separated from my husband nearly 2 years ago. It was at my instigation. He was a good man but we had been together since I was 17 and he had become more like my brother. After 18 years I moved out and we share custody of our daughter who is 11. On the whole, the arrangement works well and our daughter seems relatively settled. Leaving was horrendous as I felt terrible guilt at breaking up the family home; I had been unhappy for a while and then began developing strong feelings for a friend and I made the move. Looking back, I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever that I left my husband. It was obviously a life changing decision, but very quickly I felt relief and it 100% confirmed my decision. I had been 99.9 % sure that I didn't love him how I should and he has now settled with someone else and seems very happy. Although I sometimes think of how 'easy' life was, I feel no jealously for his new life and in my heart of hearts, I knew our separation had to happen months before it did. I also had lots of counselling before I left.
Therefore the emotional side of things concerning my husband has actually been quite straightforward. It was daunting setting up home on my own, but I have a good job and feel I am a relatively strong person. I feel quite settled in my home, enjoy my job and have lovely family and friends. It feels odd sometimes when my daughter is not with me, but I know that it how it has to be.
I seem sorted don't it??!! But its not as easy as that! A few weeks after leaving my husband, I was asked out by a friend of a friend. To cut a long story short, against my better judgement I did get 'involved' with him although our relationship in many ways was very lighthearted which I loved (and he had nothing to do with my daughter). However, over the months, he became more serious and I backed off (even though I very much liked him). I made a break from him as I felt he wanted to settle down. Coincidentally, the man who I had feelings for when married moved back into town (he had been working away for many months). Once he found out that I was single, he did approach me, and I found that I still had very strong feelings for him. We have been dating now for a few weeks and I think the world of him. I have really distanced myself from the first guy (although he was devastated when he found I was seeing someone else), although we do ocasionally text, etc). I don't want to lose touch with him completely, nor does he, and he was so good to me in so many ways when we were together. So, fast forward to now - what is the problem??? The problem is that I feel so emotionally vulnerable. I cannot decide whether I absolutely want a relationship with the lovely man I am seeing. I can't decide why I feel a little nervous....on one hand and at times I feel so confident, and want my own company. At others, I wonder if I hold back because I am scared of getting in too deep and losing someone when I already feel a bit uggh. Having been with my husband since I was 17, I feel like a stupid school girl. Maybe I am expecting the romance side of my life to be clear cut? I have no idea. The fact that I want a little contact with the first guy makes me wonder how well I really know my own feelings. Sorry to ramble, I know there is a lot here, but I felt the history was important. So.... for those a few months out of separation - is it best to steer clear entirely? Am I mad for thinking of pushing away a man I feel a hell of a lot for? Did the first man maybe confuse me a bit? (I like him a lot, but really only as a good friend). I would appreciate advice, or a hard shake. By the way, I am 36. I sound about 17, don't I?!