Why do some people do this?

[theredhen]

Two incidences in the past couple of weeks.

One is my ex husband who I have bent over backwards to accomodate his unreliable behaviour so that he sees his son for the last 10 years. He is always late, sometimes many hours late, never lets me know he's going to be late, sometimes doesn't turn up at all and only lets me / ds know at the last minute. I have tried to ask him nicely, tried to be understanding about traffic and work etc etc. but when I present him with the truth and tell him I am fed up with it, I get an argument and a string of denials about his unreliability. Is it so I can't feel superior if he admits that although he loves his son, his reliability is an issue and he's sorry for that and will try harder for his son's sake?

Similar issue with a person I was supposed to be doing lift "sharing" with. I ended up doing 5 mornings with her doing 1 or 2 afternoons a week if I was lucky. I nicely pointed this out after 6 weeks and suggested she could start doing some mornings too to even things out a bit. I didn't mind a bit of uneveness but it was getting silly and I never knew when the 1 or 2 afternoons would be anyway. She promised to sort something out, and just carried on allowing me to do the donkey work while she did nothing. So when I ask again after another 6 weeks, apparently I am wrong and she wasn't taking advantage at all. More denials of unreliability and she's thrown her toys out of the proverbial pram.

DP says it's nothing I've done and I have been more than fair (perhaps too fair) to both. It just grates that I have tried to be helpful and kind and understanding but when I've asked for a bit of reciprocation, it's like they're saying "don't be ridiculous redhen, your job is to put up with my unreliableness and who are you to dare question it?"

If it was the other way round, I would have been mortified by both and would have done anything to make sure that neither thought bad of me. Perhaps that is the difference? I know I am reliable and I also know that I hate the thought of letting anyone down. I suppose I should be quicker to not let myself and those close to me down?

I just really struggle to work out what goes on in these peoples minds.

Yes I understand where youre coming from. But perhaps you should put your foot down. If your ex is over an hour late then go out, actions speak louder than words. And I wouldnt car share anymore with that person. If you let people walk all over you they will continue to do so. Ive had to learn that lesson too.

Don't try. You'll fall over yourself with the effort.
Some people think the world owes them everything and never think twice about the those delivering on the false promise.

If your life were full of free loaders it would be worth looking at yourself to see why you (and I) attract them...but as you seem to have a lovely DP don't sweat the small stuff and just be glad that you can be true to yourself (ie giving and forgiving) but that you can still have reasonable boundaries.

I have put my foot down with both of them but its the arguing that gets to me.

I just can't understand how they have the audacity to try and turn it around to being my fault when it so obviously isn't!

They do it because if they can somehow blame you, then they aren't at fault so they don't feel guilty about it.

As susanann suggests, try not being there for them a few times. The car sharer sounds like no loss anyway if she gets in a sulk about it.

Your ex is a slightly different matter as it's not you who will be missing out but your DS. You don't say how old your DS is, but he must be older than 10 so maybe he's old enough for you to discuss with him whether he's willing to miss a couple of visits so he can depend on his father a bit more in the future?

I would kick the lift share into touch straight away. The only person to benefit from that arrangement is her. It sounds like far too much trouble!

Bit more difficult with XH but I agree with previous poster that you should just set rules around arrangements (i.e. if he is an hour late then just go out).

I've started pointing out to ds (aged14) that dad is late because I always wanted to protect him from thinking his dad can't be arsed to get out of bed an hour earlier to come and get him on time. Ds has (fortunately) never been one to sit by the window waiting, he just does his own thing until dad does eventually turn up. If I took ds out to deliberately prove a point to his dad, I'm pretty sure he would also say I was being unfair to his dad who I think he feels sorry for and clings to a bit because deep down he knows he's useless.

Lift lady has completely shot herself in the foot, she might actually have to get dressed before the afternoon school run now!

can you not talk to your son and explain it. you can just say that you hyave things to do and cant spend your life waiting around for other people. sometimes you have to use tough love.

I have started pointing out to ds that his dad is late but I can't really drag a 14 yr old boy to the shops just to prove a point when I'd normally leave him at home, although maybe I might start arranging actual events just after contact time and make ds come with me then, if that makes sense.

Lift lady now sending me gushing messages about how my ds can text her anytime and ask for a lift and how she's only too willing to help out etc. wtf? Yeah right!

Interesting thread, made me smile. Re the lift lady, I'd ignore it and just make your own arrangements in future.

Re your son, surely he's old enough now to read a calendar and arrange the contact with his dad himself? I hope you're not waiting in with him!

I agree with what others have said. They do it because they can, basically. By allowing them to get away with their behaviour your are tacitly condoning it. A cousellor once illustrated it to me this way: if you went to a cashpoint machine & it kept giving you £200, without anything ever coming out of your account & no other comeback, what would you do? Of course, the obvious answer is to keep going to the cashpoint. That's what lackofliftsharewoman & XH have worked out. You could point this out to DS, but he is already onto his Dad's character, so will probably work it out for himself

I suppose I'm guilty of giving people the benefit if the doubt. Lift lady, i gave her 6 weeks to settle into the routine hoping she would realise within that time that she had not been pulling her weight and offer more herself. I approached her nicely but ultimately carried on doing the same despite her now knowing that I wasn't happy.

Ex is slightly different and he manages to improve slightly when I point things out to him but then goes back to his old ways. Ds is older now so in some ways it affects me less as I don't have to wait in myself but I still think he's being rude and disrespectful. But again, I don't make life difficult for him so he carries on doing it.

Time to take a stand methinks!