Help with Mood Swings...

[ScarletLady02]

I've put off posting this for a while, but it's getting to the point I'm struggling to cope with it.

My DH has really bad mood swings. 95% of the time he's a relaxed funny husband, great with DD, fun to be around and we get on really well.

However he has these terrible mood swings and they are becoming more frequent. He gets snappy, irritable, aggressive, has NO patience with DD (like I said, it's not often, but still enough to worry me). It sometimes even gets to the point he will bang things about and hit things (like the wall) etc. He very rarely aims his anger AT me or DD, I do not worry for our safety or anything like that. He does sometimes shout at her though and I really don't like it (she's 2). He hates himself for doing it and when he's calmed down (usually 2 minutes or so after a "moment") he's lucid and very apologetic.

He knows it's a problem and has been to the GP today to ask for help. He fell off a balcony onto his head a few years ago and worries his head injury is causing it (this is being looked into). He has also suffered with depression, which I feel may be a factor. He's out or work and feels emasculated because of it.

I love him more than anything and I'm really worried about him. It's getting to the point where sometimes I feel like I'm walking on egg-shells and trying to keep DD away from him when he's tetchy so she's not affected. She doesn't seem to be so far, she adores him, and he adores her. But I don't want her growing up scared of his moods.

Has anyone else had anything like this? Any advice?

The GP is the best option. There are many causes of mood-swings. The head injury seems the obvious one - did the problems start at the time of the accident? Diabetes can do it... how's his weight/fitness/general health? Depression/stress is another obvious cause factor. So it's good that he's seeing the doctor an that you are supportive. However, if his behaviour deteriorates or for some reason he doesn't follow through with any treatment (meds/therapy) prescribed, then don't feel obliged to stick around if you and your child are scared. Discuss it with him now in a calm fashion that, if things get worse, he'll need to move out and only return when there's an improvement. A reasonable man - and he sounds reasonable so far - should not want to frighten his child.

Obviously the GP is the first port of call esp after the head injury and the depression.
One thing that is useful is for the person to call a "time-out" when they feel stressed. But it does not mean walking away in the middle of things. You agree the signal or key word between you and the person requesting the time out suggests a fixed time - between 5 and 15 mins in which the angry one does something to calm themselves down ie a walk round the block, thumping a pillow, deep breathing or whatever, then you come back carry on and agree a time to talk about the cause of the stress later that day.
Same sort of thing as you might use when signalling with a mate that it's time to leave the pub, make a move on someone or even with non-vanilla sex. But it only works if you are both happy with the code and what it's used for.
As Cogito says anger/stress management is totally different from abuse but fact that your DH recognises there is an issue sounds hopeful

It's really not abuse, I promise you that. Like I said, it's very rarely aimed at anything, it just comes out of nowhere and then goes, like it's been switched off. He always takes the time to apologise to DD if he does get angry, and explains to her that it's not her fault etc. I don't know if she's old enough to understand that but it seems the right thing to do.

He's always been quite hot-headed, and I know if he does get stressed, he just needs a quiet minute and he'll calm down....but obviously a 2 year old shouldn't be expected to understand that, and he knows that. His Dad was a violent abusive prick and the last thing DH wants is to be anything like what he was.

I'm not scared as such, just worried that the behaviour is affecting my DD, as I know and understand how to deal with it, but obviously she's too young to.

The accident was before we were together (we've been together 5 years) and I've been bugging him to checked out for ages, but he's finally done it (you know what men are like with doctors - plus I think he's worried there IS something badly wrong).

Oh forgot to add, his weight/fitness are fine, I don't think it's anything like that. We all eat well and he keeps fit. He's actually down at the gym signing up now as he says sometimes it helps him calm down if he exercises. It's a 24 hour gym so if he does need to get out for half an hour and get his head together it's perfect.

If he's 'always been quite hot-headed' then this isn't a recent development it's a personality trait. My fear is that when you say 'I know and understand how to deal with it' what you really mean is that you have simply lowered your tolerance, got used to tiptoeing around him, keeping him sweet whereas an innocent little girl hasn't learned to do that yet and is therefore at risk.

Is he aggressive with other people outside the home? Does he get angry and shout at friends, employers, random people in shops etc? Or can he be quite pleasant with others when he needs to be?

I suppose it could come across like that. I can see why you may think that. These mood swings can happen anywhere and with anyone, it's not something he only does at home. It's sometimes like if he starts getting stressed he struggles to deal with it....where most of us can count to ten, or brush something off, he finds it harder. He IS pleasant the vast majority of the time, I've just noticed the mood swings are getting slightly more frequent. He also suffers headaches and occasionally has fits when stressed, which is why I think it may be the head injury. He has said if it turns out not to be anything to do with the injury he's happy to pursue other avenues, like CBT etc. He does have a few unresolved issues from his past.

When I say "I know how to deal with it" I just mean when I see him getting stressed, I just know to give him a minute to himself. Maybe you are right in that I've only really noticed how bad the mood swings are (or CAN be anyway, they're not always bad) since DD is around.

Also, I have only known him since the accident, so I can't comment on his behaviour before.

OK fitting and headaches are NOT good symptoms and he should have seen a doctor well before now. This goes way beyond mood-swings.

I know....I keep bloody telling him. I think he's terrified something's wrong, which probably doesn't help his mood...it's like a vicious circle.. At least he's finally done something about it, He has a blood test in the morning and then an MRI scan to wait for.