I need advice - stay or go?

[maryclarey]

I?ve been with my DP since I was 23, together for 7 years, living together for the last 3. It was me who pushed for us to move in together and it was a difficult time when we did because I felt he didn?t want to. He admits now that it was because he felt pushed into it but that he accepted it in his own time when he got used to the idea. There was an increase in arguments over the following years, mostly caused by my underlying frustration at his increasing reluctance to move things forward. I couldn?t even mention the word marriage without him tensing up. He says he didn?t want to discuss moving forward while I was still young and naïve and not facing up to some personal issues I was struggling with (family, debt and weight ? all issues I have now addressed). I think that was just a hook to hang me on.

Fast forward to 6 months ago, I finally woke up and realised I was tired of waiting and fighting. Slowly I gathered the courage to ask him to go to counselling as something was wrong. He refused. It got worse, I got angrier, I asked again. Eventually he said yes, but at that point I was ready to go. The tables turned very quickly when he realised this. Suddenly he is pursuing me for commitment and I was running further and further away. He doesn?t want to lose me and he wants us to get married and have kids, though he is still talking about years down the line. This is not good enough for me. We are going to counselling but it is a struggle and I just feel like running away, but I don?t have anywhere to go. I am scared to leave in case it is the wrong decision and I?ll regret it later. The other night we had a bad fight after we?d both been on a night out and things got out of hand. It feels like the last straw to me, I told him I wanted to leave but he won?t accept it. The next day he was acting like nothing had happened. I just want a fresh start I think, but I don?t think we can have a fresh start together. Or can we? How can I be sure it?s right for me to go? I don?t trust my own feelings anymore. Am I expecting too much from this relationship? He is a good person. I feel terrible that I am doing this.

Please be gentle.

If you don't want to be there and if your needs are not being met...time to go. He doesn't want marriage, he won't find solutions....how much time do you have. When yous ay a bad fight, were many hard words said or tempers got very high?
If he wants marriage and kids it all means commitment, joint focus and plans to be made and kept.

Firstly, the fight was alcohol fuelled. That never helps. Half of what was said meant nothing but was designed to hurt each others feelings.

You've been together years and nothing more than living together for the last three.

He says he didn?t want to discuss moving forward while I was still young and naïve and not facing up to some personal issues I was struggling with

To me, he's projecting his own reasons for not wanting to go any further forward, and using you as his excuse of that makes sense.

Do you want to stay with him? You asked him to leave. What would you do if he did?

Ooooh, you seem to be living in a dilemma. In my experience people tend to want what they don't have and do not value what they do. He sounds as if he didn't want you until he nearly lost you but is now backing off a bit

He doesn't want to lose me and he wants us to get married and have kids, though he is still talking about years down the line

What exactly do you want? What don't you want? What do you not like but can tolerate? Write it all down and then review after a long bath or a walk.

You don't have children so you just have to consider yourself and your DP. Can you see yourselves parenting together? Would you want him to be the father of your children.

Have a good long think and the right answer will come. Good luck.

You sound like you've not been compatible for most of the last seven years and have wasted a lot of time unsuccessfully trying mould Mr Nearly into Mr Right. It was only when it seemed to be all over and you were ready to go that he suddenly bucked up but some people will say anything in situations like that just to keep you on the hook. I'm very concerned that 'things got out of hand' ... what does that mean? Aggression?

Work out what is specifically 'scaring' you about being independent and fix that. I don't think you can fix this relationship.

I think I would be partly relieved and partly devastated if he left. As I say he is a good person, he has his issues but he's always been good to me. I think we are both responsible for the situation we are now in. Tempers got very high after that night out but you're right Mouseface that it was alcohol fuelled so can't be taken at face value. I just feel I have totally disconnected from the relationship and I don't believe I can get it back. He won't accept I want to leave and says I need to give the counselling a proper chance before I decide but I don't know if I can. I am so confused, I keep going from one extreme to another. The things he says makes me doubt my own feelings as I am prone to making snap decisions.

Thank you for all your replies.

CogitoErgoSometimes Yes I agree we have been incompatible for most of the last seven years and I have told him I don't think I was right for him but he won't accept that now. The counsellor said that we have both been trying to mould the other person but the significance of that seems to have passed him by. Things got out of hand the other night but not in a violent way, just with the level of anger with things said by both of us.

Convict224 I really don't know if we could parent well together. We have such different views of the world :-(

The end of any relationship is difficult. It is made more difficult when the person you're trying to dump is refusing to take you seriously. Just because the fight was alcohol-fuelled doesn't mean you should ignore what was done or said. Ever heard the expression in vino veritas? 'In wine, the truth' All alcohol does is reduce inhibitions, doesn't change fundamental personality.

If you don't know what to do for the best take a break from each other and cease contact. It'll give you time to get out from under all this pressure he's putting you under and give you time to think for yourself. If you find you feel happier and more relaxed solo, you have your answer.

Cogito If I had somewhere to go I would. I spent a few nights on a friends sofa a few weeks ago but it was uncomfortable and I felt very vulnerable there so I went back. But thank you for your wise words, it's good to get some perspective. None of my friends know about this which makes it even harder.

I don't mean the sofa was uncomfortable, but staying in someone's tiny flat was! I felt vulnerable as it was not familiar surroundings.

So make inquiries about getting your own place, talk to the local housing authority, look at flat-shares, check out any financial help available... make an effort.. The very worst thing to do would be to limp along for another year or ten doing nothing.

You're right of course. Better steel myself and start making a plan then.

I agree with the advice given here, Artist. One point I would like to make is that you do not need his permission to leave the relationship. You post that he does not accept this or that; well, that is his problem, not yours.

Great advice from Cogito

From what else you've posted, it seems that you've got nothing to stay together for. Even though he refuses to accept that you want the relationship to end, he's not saying marry me, let's have children..... he's not fixing the problems you are telling him about.

BTW, I'm not saying getting married or having children would 'fix' this relationship, I think it's too far gone to get back. Plus, the problems would still be there, just pacified with a wedding and then the arrival of children who could then potentially get caught up in the middle of mummy and daddy breaking up down the line.

Good luck.

Eclectic You are right, I think it's my own low confidence is holding me back and I'm using his lack of acceptance as a reason to procrastinate. But its hard to ignore him when he is practically begging for me to give the counselling a chance. I do feel I owe him that much, but its driving me crazy trying to push myself to see things differently than I do now I have disconnected.

Mouseface I told him in no uncertain terms not to ask me to marry him right now so I'm wondering if he's not saying anything definite as a way to protect himself? Although on the other hand when I have mentioned it he is still talking about in a few years, when we are "in the right place" to do it. He is the kind of person who procrastinates until he has what he thinks is the best situation to do something but is it unfair of me to think that if he was with the right person he would know anyway, regardless of any issues, and would still want to move forward? You can't wait for perfect conditions in a relationship, surely, they'd never come! I just think you know when you know.

"You can't wait for perfect conditions in a relationship, surely, they'd never come!"

And, to extend the thought, you can't create perfect conditions either. You certainly can't wait for someone to be perfect or hope they will emerge from counselling radically changed. There comes a point - and I'd say hitting 30 is significant - where you have to look at each other as you are, warts and all, and understand that this really is as good as it gets. You are the people now that you are pretty much always going to be. If it's tolerable.... keep going. If it's not right.... call it a day.

Agree with Cogito about having a break.
Sounds like you both are understandably frightened of change.

Artist, really, you do not owe him anything. Not one iota bitty bit of anything. He is using your niceness against you, to manipulate you and continue this status quo ... which believe it or not, sounds like his perfect circumstance and he doesn't want to lose that.

Actions speak louder than words. Talk is cheap. It is called "Lip Service" and means absolutely nothing. Counselling could take y e a r s thus keeping his situation comfortably stable for another block of time.

You sound like a nice person, Artist. Leaving the relationship does not mean you are not a nice person.

Thank you all for your sensible advice and for not telling me I am mad to expect certain things.

I know what I have to do, I just need to summon the courage and come up with a plan. Also I need to not let the guilt I feel cloud my judgment. That's easier said than done. I feel sick to my stomach

After this many years he should know if he wants to marry you. Saying that's what he wants but not for a few years yet wouldn't float my boat.