Stuck

[Milly22]

H and I are both stubborn, with 2 children and things have gone down hill lately. He's told me to give up smoking, salt and control my spending (I smoked when we met and I've stopped smoking a couple of times over the years). Ok, my spending isn't bad with no big out of control debts. I've promised to do this but he shows me no attention goes to the pub every week and work nights out without me (refuses to cut back when I asked if it could be a fortnightly thing) and thinks it's quality time to sit in front of the telly with a curry on a Saturday and expects sex 3 times a week which I've abstained recently as I'm feeling quite worthless (hence my odd shopping spree to spoil kids to cheer up) Everything seems to be on his terms and doesn't go out of his way to make me feel special and then he tells me that he still finds me attractive and wouldn't dream of being with anybody else. Likes to control everything in life and thinks he can do no wrong. Great Dad, both work hard. If I won the lottery I could see myself walking out. I really don't know how to make things better, I love him but I don't really like him right now.

Ultimatums aren't appropriate, so you need to work on communication with each other.

Then separately unpackage the specific other changes. Smoking is an expensive, smelly habit that will compromise you health and may kill you. It's a good thing to give up, and it's something a partner might have totally benign reasons for wanting to support you in giving up. It impacts on budget, which also needs to be agreed between you, including how much beer money he has. So you could reduce your discretionary spending in return for the same from him, and the savings going towards something you want together.

Take sways are often salt-laden, so one way to change that is to do something together other than have a curry. What did you like to do together before you got into this rut? Can you do similar again?

We used to have days out here and there, parks and days out with the kids but they're coming of age where they spend a lot of time with friends and in and out of each others houses. I work full time and my idea of a clean house and his and miles apart so after doing a full time job and running kids to clubs not much time for anything else. He thinks I should find my own entertainment without him lifting a finger so I'll come back ready-happy for him. I feel like 'her indoors' type wife and think it might be time for maybe an evening class/gym and arranging my own girls night out and not be so 'available'. I probably need him to start wondering what I'm up to so he may appreciate me more!

I'm a secret smoker by the way, hardly anybody knows, not even the kids as I do it on a work break, when there's nobody at home or when they're asleep.

He's a bully. A goal-post mover. You say you don't know how to make things better and that's because he's the type that is never happy. Whatever you do won't be right, won't be good enough, won't make him happy... there will always be something new he wants that's just out of your reach. Whilst he does nothing of course... because he's above criticism.

It's a fairly standard way to manipulate someone's behaviour and crush their spirit. They're always 'great Dads'... doesn't stop them being lousy, controlling, bullying husbands.

Yes, do your own thing more. Stop being obedient and listening to his instructions. Stop trying to please him. Enjoy a cigarette if that's what you want to do. And tell him that, if he doesn't shape up and start regarding you as an equal partner rather than some kind of pathetic animal that needs whipping into shape, he should start looking for somewhere else to live.

He's warned me that if I don't stop smoking for good this time he's off anyway.

I would hand him his suitcase and light up in quick succession.... Not because I think smoking is a good thing - I don't - but there's a principle at stake here which is that, as an intelligent, adult woman, no-one should put themselves in the position of dominance over you just because you gve them a wedding ring once upon a time.

CogitoErgoSometimes Your first sentence in your last comment made me just picturing the scene. Going to arrange with other peeved mums and get p**sed!

Are the other 'peeved' mums subjected to controlling bullies? The answer to your problem is not at the bottom of a wine-bottle. It's a pleasant diversion but you have a pretty big problem on your hands.