not sure this is gonna work out..

[vaguelyoptimistic]

Hi everyone am new here but need some advice. Have always been independent, good job, house of my own etc. Got married a couple of years ago for the first time. One DC from a previous relationship. Am finding marriage heck of a struggle. DH is now showing what i presume to be his true colours since he moved in. Very uptight, moody, can be shouty and doesnt seem to be able to cope with family life terribly well. When asked what is wrong usually launches into a diatribe about everything thats wrong with his life, work, relationships - everything really. Then usually threatens to leave. Im getting to the stage when i dread hearing his key in the door as maybe 20% of the time as i dont know whats going to be said.
Dont want to post specifics in case i can be recognised but i cant understand why i bear the brunt of his unhappiness. Have got to the stage now where i dont bother asking whats wrong as it always ends up with him shouting and me in tears. So now im accused of not caring. Of course nothing that troubles me is of any consequence it would seem. Should it be this hard??! Should the good 80% ish times be enough to sustain us? Is this how marriage is meant to be...

if you have no dc together, leave
no, it shouldnt be thi hard, esp after 2 years
does he hve dcs? Imagine how grumpy hed be as a sleep deprived new dad

i cant understand why i bear the brunt of his unhappiness

Nobody should bear the brunt of another's unhappiness. Your husband is an adult: it is up to him to manage his own emotions.

He sounds like an arse. You sound unhappy. Unless he is able and willing to change, your choices are to put up and shut up, or end this marriage. If it's not working for you, then it's not working for you. (and the way he treats you sounds utterly shit, btw)

No, this is not how marriage is meant to be at all.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Is it really the case that this is only happening 20% of the time and that the other 80% is good ish?. I doubt that very much actually, life with him anyway seems pretty much awful and you dread hearing his key in the door.

Goodness knows what your poor child makes of the two of you; their stepfather in particular is certainly behaving badly. What do you want to teach your child about relationships, what he is seeing currently is no ideal role model for him or her to emulate is it?.

What happens when he threatens to leave, does he actually leave or do you think he actually utters this so you come running to him?. This is all about power and control; he wants absolute over you and he does not give a toss for you or anyone else. Its no life for you or your child. A life where he/she sees their stepfather ranting at their mother and their mother in tears is one full of emotional anguish for that young person.

Where do you see yourself in a year's time?.

You can find out where you stand legally with regards to separation. The hardest part for you is actually taking that first step to do so.

Thanks for replying. I know its not right. So does he when hes calm but at the time there is no reasoning with him. I very quickly realised that i cant ask him for support about things like work problems or anything really as it gets turned around into how its my fault anyway or how it will impact on him. Everything MUST go right / work as it should otherwise he has a tantrum. We have no money worries, great kids doing well and its beyond me what he expects from life to make him happy cos it sure as well doesnt seem to be me!
I feel like a complete failure.

I know its not right. So does he when hes calm but at the time there is no reasoning with him.

That means nothing unless his behaviour actually changes. If he's "sorry" but then goes on to do exactly the same things again, then his sorries mean nothing at all.

its beyond me what he expects from life to make him happy cos it sure as well doesnt seem to be me! I feel like a complete failure.

You are not a failure. He is an unreasonable and immature individual.
It is not your job to make him happy. Nobody can do that but him.

He will never be happy because he is a deeply unhappy man anyway. You are not responsible for him. BTW what do you know of his background or childhood, that would give clues. How does he get along with his parents?.

Your children will suffer tremendously if you were to remain married to this man. They won't thank you for staying with such an individual if you chose to but may well ask you instead later on why you chose to put him before them during their childhood.

You have a choice re your H; the child does not.

I ask you this; does he lose his temper with other people in such a similar fashion?. He would not likely act like he does towards you in front of outsiders or work colleagues would he?. He does this too because he can and he also enjoys seeing your discomforture. He is a bully of the first order and actively enjoys the power and control over you.

I feel bad that by getting married ive put my DCs home in jepoardy if i decide ive had enough. Just wish id stuck to my original plan of never wanting to wed but thought id found someone who we could share our lives happily. Bollocks.

S'funny but the more ive detached from him to protect myself the less the threats to leave have been. Has threatened to do himself harm though presumably to up the ante...

If you're worried about your home being classed as a marital asset then do talk to a solicitor and get some good advice. You've only been married 2 years, you bought the place before he arrived, he may not have contributed much since and any equity you brought with you is usually regarded as mostly yours (if not wholly yours) in the event of a divorce. However, the longer you stay married the weaker this argument gets and the bigger share he can claim. So get some good information and, if you're going to get rid, do it sooner rather than later.

A 'blamer' and a bully that threatens to self-harm when challenged is not a man to be married to. Sorry you've had to go through this.

Yes he sounds pretty awful.

He thinks it's your job to put up with whatever shit he flings at you, and his response to you quite riggtly challenging that, is to threaten you.

He's a dud.

Is there anywhere i can get legal advice online? I knowit sounds stupid but actually going to see someone feels underhand and final when i havent told him how im feeling. I want to get all my ducks in a row as he is very persuasive and i need to know what im potentially facing financially. Damn i sound like all i care about is money sorry but im the practical sort.

Getting advice is neither undherhand nor final, it is a very sensible move especially when you have significant assets and a child's future to think of. Only people who have too much money or who have it given to them tend to say it's not important. The rest of us who work hard for everything we have know otherwise. :)

When it comes to 'ducks in a row', if this man is persuasive you especially need professional advice pertinent to your individual circumstances rather than internet-based generalisations which may or may not be accurate. Many family solicitors offer a free half hour consultation with no obligation. Please don't think you're being disloyal just for knowing your legal position...

Law Society - Find a Solicitor

Divorce Information

Citizens Advice Bureau can also offer advice.

Thanks for all your practical advice. Now i just have to work out how to deal with all the emotional fallout. What an idiot i am.

You're already dealing with the emotional fall-out I'm afraid.... as are any children caught in the cross-fire.

No you're not an idiot - you gave it your best shot. You'd only be an idiot6 if you put up with his shit any longer.

And when the emotional fallout begins, remember he's following the script. Detach and play twat-bingo.

Twatbingo? Do you have the rules? Might help me recognise the signs

Have been married 24 yrs and DH can be really grouchy. This got very bad a couple of years ago. Various discussions with him etc. TOTAL lack of awareness on his part of how grouchy he actually is. I worked it out, as follows, and if you think relationship is worth saving, here is what you can do to get him to change his behaviour.
When he starts griping, leave room, change conversation, etc. Do not engage with him, do not try to "fix" whatever he is griping about, give him no advice. This lack of engagement does not need to be agressive, but allows his negativity to dissipate as there is no push back from you if you get my meaning.

If he threatens to leave, simply say "ok" and wait to see what he does. My husband left a number of times in a high dudgeon and then came sheepishly and apologetically back. Usually a day or two later.

There are some fairly advanced techniques you can use with someone like this, but takes practice. One is to re-state back to him factually his gripes, like: He says "Those fxxxxxrs at work always take advantage of me, feel like breaking their necks" You say " So you are telling me your work colleagues are making you angry". Then you wait for him to respond. Sometimes when someone restates something back to you in a neutral way, you can look at it again more coolly and rationally.

The bottom line on this is if you want to live with a grumpy old man, and believe me, most of them get grumpy ( I call it Old Man Disease) then you have to figure out how to de-fuse their anger and irritation.

Or else maybe record him in full tirade mode and play it back. I have never done this but would love to. Good luck!

Or you could just say no thanks to living with grump and find a man who isn't one, then there's no need to diffuse his anger for him. As if you were his mummy.

It's not underhand to see a solicitor without telling this inadequate tosspot what you are doing. Remember, he has decieved you. He pretended to be a nice, normal, healthy, lovable man, and once he had his feet under the table, his true abusive self emerged. Most abusers do this - wait till they have consolidated their position in a woman's life and ramp up the abuse on the grounds that she is now trapped. He doesn't like women, he sees them as things that exist for his benefit, and also marriage as a battle to be won, not a partnership. Get rid as quickly as possible, because he's only going to get worse.

This has been really useful to get a different perspective on things. The only person i have told is my best friend who is leaning towards the "tell him not to be so silly" - easy for her to say or tell him to go for counselling and that i shouldnt give up so easily.

Some example twat-bingo behaviours follow. Note these can be in any order, and often appear in the same conversation!

Threats he will take you "for everything you have"
Cries that you need to stay together for the sake of the DCs. Not as effective in this case as the only DC is yours, but he may use the excuse that DC is now used toi him, & how bad it would be having a parade of father figures coming into and out of their life
Promises to change behaviour, have counselling, whatever you want
Blaming everything on you. And I mean everything that's not perfect in his life
Begging, pleading, sobbing, trying to get you to comfort him because he is so distraught at separating
Threats of suicide (NEVER followed through)
Shouting & threatening you (including repeats of the taking you to the cleaners thing)

As I said, not all of these will appear depending on the guy but they are all things in The Script and usually you get at least half often more in some form or another. I'm sure others will add any I've missed, then you can create your twat-bingo card & leave it with a pen to cross them off

could he have depression? maybe try (!) and get him to see the doctor. Dont think I could or would put up with his behaviour though.

"When asked what is wrong usually launches into a diatribe about everything thats wrong with his life, work, relationships - everything really. Then usually threatens to leave"

That kind of behaviour... blaming everyone/thing else, not taking responsibility and then threatening to flounce rather than do something constructive... is not 'silly' it's extremely destructive and disruptive. Attention-seeking at best, controlling or abusive at worst. When you hear your partner's key in the door it should make you feel happy, not dread. That would be what put the tin lid on it for me....

Also, as he is not your DC's dad, you can actually get him right out of your lives: better to get rid now than get pregnant by him, which would mean you had to maintain contact with him.