Just want to be heard

[jumpjess]

Aaagh! Finally plucked up the courage to post and it got lost!

Just want to put a few things out there, to get things clear in my head. Told DH two days ago I want a divorce. Since then he has not spoken to me, has left for work before we were up, and returned after we are in bed.

History: long marriage (20+ years), 2 DC (11 &9), I am SAHM, DH has own business working silly hours/weekends/evenings. We have discussed separation before but DH adamant that it would 'destroy the children' and that he would make it clear to them that it was not what he wanted. There is no one else involved.

We have been here before but something is different this time. I have been unhappy for a long time, but something clicked in my head this weekend. He had offered twice on Friday to mind the DC on Saturday morning while I saw a friend who works during the week. When I went to say cheerio on Saturday (he had gone to bed before arrangements were finalised) I got a shouting match 'What? But you didn't tell me - I was going to go into work! You disrespected my wishes!'

I had anticipated something along these lines and thought to myself if it happens again, that's it. There is something in him that seems to delight in destroying my happiness, that makes him and his time so much more important than me and mine.

As I drove to meet my friend, I saw lots of people out walking and enjoying the lovely morning, and thought to myself how wonderful it would be to have an equal relationship where it was ok to make plans on the spur of the moment, or take time to yourself.

We 'discussed' separation shortly after Christmas this year, when I was at my wits end. It was difficult this year as all the present buying/preparation/food shopping and preparation are my job (and I know, it's my fault for allowing this to be the case) but I was up until 3.30am on Christmas Eve wrapping presents and was wrecked the next day, when I had to prepare dinner without help. I did this because I wanted the children to have as nice a time as possible.

But living with low-level hostility and bickering is not the best thing for them, nor is seeing this as a model of marriage. It's not normal, is it?

Normal, no? Common, sadly yes. There's a thread I started on this board about the effect of growing up with warring parents that you might find interesting. I don't think it's very good for children having experienced it myself.... simply made me want to leave home at the first opportunity.

If your story about him going back on a promise so that you couldn't go out and meet a friend is typical behaviour.... especially the bit about making it your fault... then he sounds rather controlling and, worse, he seems to be trying to crush your spirit at the same time.

You're quite right as well about it being wonderful to make plans on the spur of the moment. I describe myself as an 'independent woman' ('single' is far too loaded!) and when I get up in the morning everything else that follows is pretty much whatever I decide. Whether it's painting the kitchen green or booking a holiday for the summer, there's no-one breathing down my neck spoiling my fun. :)

Hey jumpjess, this sounds awful.

You've told him you want a divorce, and he is now blanking you. The next step must be to go to a solicitor for some advice about how to start the process.

I feel for you, I really do, sounds like absolute hell.

You will feel better when you are leading separate lives. This is the really awful bit.

best of luck

Thank you so much for replying Cogito! I have read many many threads in relationships and yours is an opinion I really value. I will look for your thread presently.

Yes I do feel there has been an element of controlling behaviour for a long time, which I have acquiesced in to a degree. He came home briefly there and we went over what had happened, I was angry, but the situation is the same and I do think that I've reached the point of no return here. He doesn't seem to realise that what he does is wrong. He has an answer for everything; Christmas was sorted by me single-handedly because I refused help. My time is not less important than his. He doesn't feel he always punishes me for having time to myself (another example - he picked DC up from school one day as I was in another town with a friend - then rang to see where I was because he had wanted to take us all to golf club for dinner - which couldn't happen as I was still 45 mins away - WTF? DC heard all this and were disappointed, I raced home, we had dinner of scrambled eggs on toast with a side helping of argument, I STILL don't understand why we couldn't have had dinner at the club 45 minutes later.)

Now he's all focussed on what we do/practicalities/schooling etc and he realises I find this all particularly scary and horrendous. (We have a beautiful home which will have to be sold, big drop in standard of living etc). He is making it clear that this is all what I want - well yes it is, but only because I no longer want to share my life with him.

On one level, I am devastated as I had hoped we would grow old(er) together but on another I really feel I have been ground down by years of this and something has to change. If it doesn't the alternative is the rest of my life spent modifying my behaviour and being a doormat.

Thanks for reading, am aware it may not sound like much but there have been many, many tears shed with many more still to come I fear.

Thanks too for your reply, Scarletwoman - was too busy typing to see it before

"Now he's all focussed on what we do/practicalities/schooling etc and he realises I find this all particularly scary and horrendous"

Do you feel he's going about it this way deliberately to try to put you off? Intimidate you in some way? Do you feel it's an extension of his need to be in control of everything? Or is he actually just being practical and efficient and genuinely trying to smooth the transition in a constructive way?

Have you sought your own legal advice? Made your own plans?

He is making it clear that this is all what I want

Roughly translates into "It's all your fault", i.e. blaming you for everything (again)

No, not to put me off. Nor to intimidate me, or control. Yes, probably to be practical and efficient (we are opposites in this respect). He actually said he was pleased I had made a decision.

Have neither sought legal advice nor made plans - other than to speak to my parents today, and will arrange to have house valued this week.

OK then. Yes, it probably all looks quite final laid out in practical terms. We marry in a big colourful fuss of romantic optimism, making plans and picking canapes.... divorce is quite the opposite, even when it's the best for all concerned. But do get your own legal advice so that you get a fair deal.

Thanks cogito, I will. Just such a sad and sorry mess, whatever the outcome. Thanks everyone for your responses.

When he said he was pleased you'd made a decision, what he possibly means is that he's pleased he can blame you for ending the marriage, but he wants out too.

From what you've posted, you are absolutely doing the right thing, but make sure you get a very good lawyer because your husband sounds extremely manipulative.