I just want to be on my own

[cherryonthetop2013]

Gosh I don't even know where to start....

I do love DP and I don't want us to split up but so much has happened over the past 12 months and there's been so much stress and now I feel like I've reached my limit and I feel like I just want to be on my own, just me and my babies.

To give you a bit of a background on our relationship.... we met over 3 years ago and we started a relationship but we were both quite fresh out of long term relationships and it was too soon for both of us. We were on and off until about 18 months ago when we were both ready to commit and we moved in together and I was soon pregnant (not planned).

DP is a lovely man, he's decent, I trust him 100% (which is a first for me!), he loves me and treats me well.

BUT he just has so much baggage and so many problems, it's just one thing after another and I've now reached a point where I feel like I need a break from it all.

A few months ago when baby was only about 10 weeks old there was an incident where baby fell out of bed whilst in bed with him, he'd been drinking quite heavily the night before but completely denied that the drink had anything to do with it. Then a couple of weeks ago he got really drunk to the point where he was falling over etc so I was pissed off because he'd got so drunk and IMO he was a danger around a small baby. The drinking was a problem and I kicked him out and he stayed at his brother's for a few nights. He begged to come back and we came to an agreement about the drinking and he is a different man now in that respect, he's had a real wake up call.
Sorry I should add that during this fall out it came to light that the time when baby fell off the bed it happened because she was on his knees and he fell asleep and she fell off. I was distraught, I was so upset that I was with a man who could put my baby at risk because he was drunk/hungover. I blamed myself for not protecting her. I think at that point part of me fell out of love with him.

But during that few days when he wasn't hear I loved it, I loved being so independent again and it felt like a weight had just been lifted off my shoulders, I didn't really have anything to worry about, my life was simple for once in a long long time. BUT I know deep down that that isn't what I want long term, I want our relationship to work.

After a lot of grovelling and talking he moved back in but things haven't been the same since. I suppose I still wish I was on my own, not permanently but I feel like I need some space.

DP never goes out, he's here all the time and I think that is part of the problem, I feel suffocated.

I'm not even sure whether I am somebody who can live with a partner, I love having my own space, I like time to myself.

I should probably mention that I have a 3yo who was a baby when I met DP and he is an amazing stepdad to him and he is a brilliant dad to our baby and his 2 other children.

Also after having my baby I have been suffering with PND which was extremely bad at one point, I was suicidal and ended up in hospital. DP was amazing, I was convinced he was going to leave me but he has been very supportive throughout.
I'm not sure whether the PND has got anything to do with how I am feeling, my counsellor tells me that many women just hate their DP's after they've had a baby, so maybe how I'm feeling is normal?

I don't think hating DPs is especially normal but wanting your own space isn't abnormal. In fact I think it's very unhealthy for couples to be thrown together 24/7 at any stage, baby or no baby.... sort of marital cabin-fever sets in. It's also not very stimulating if you're with someone who does nothing at all. What do you find to talk about?

How about a constructive heart-to-heart where you both work out a way of getting some much-needed personal time to pursue interests, do sports or whatever, rather than living in each others' pockets and getting so bored you turn to drink or get resentful?

I don't actually hate DP, that was just what my counsellor said, but I definitely feel suffocated and like I need some space. Yes I definitely feel like I've got cabin fever.

I think it doesn't help that I'm on mat leave at the mo so my life revolves around DP and the kids, even though DP is at work I spend my days cooking his meals, washing his clothes, cleaning the house. And then he comes home, we put kids to bed, eat dinner and sit watching TV. That's my life and I'm bored and feel suffocated.

I've suggested DP starts playing football again or starts going out to watch it occasionally but I think he feels like I don't want him here.

I even enjoy going to the supermarket in the evening just to get me out of the house, you know you've got a problem when you consider a trip to the supermarket to be a night out! lol

He doesn't have to go anywhere if he's welded to his armchair... although the heavy drinking and lazy attitude to household chores suggests a man with far too much time on his hands. (He needs to help out a lot more, even if you are home all day) If you can trust him to be in charge of the kids for a few hours in the evening, how about finding something locally.... gym, night-school class, community activity, book club.... that you can look forward to one or two nights a week and enable you to chat to some grown-ups for a change?

Is he still drinking? If so, put him out and move on. You can't raise DC safely with a whiny, selfish, lazy alcoholic in the house.

Don't feel guilty about dumping him. Your feelings matter and there is more to life than pandering to some man's inadequacies.

Sorry just to clarify when I say he doesn't do anything I don't mean in regards to housework, he's very helpful around the house, actually most days he does more than me.
I just mean he doesn't go anywhere, he doesn't have any interests etc, I just feel like we spend too much time together.
He's not drinking anymore, when he moved back in we agreed that we'd both only drink at weekends and have date nights every week to make it more of a treat to have a drink. We also agreed that when we're drinking we'll decide who is looking after the baby in the night (so that person remains sober-ish) and then the person on night duty gets a lie in in the morning. He's sticking to it and actually seems to be enjoying the new arrangement.
I trust him implicitly with the kids, he is a wonderful dad, probably a better parent than I am, especially now that the drinking isn't an issue anymore.
We talked last night and we've both said we're going to look at starting doing something to get us out of the house, individually and we're also need a night out together.

Does he not have a job or friends?

'look at starting'.... careful that doesn't into 'not doing anything' :) Strike before the iron freezes.