is it me or him?

[lovemenot]

So my dh is very emotionally unavailable. He gets defensive, not only when challenged but also when I want to talk about something he doesn't want to talk about. He has absolved himself of all discipline of our 13 year old daughter. Other than a perfunctory kiss goodbye etc there is no other physical or intimate connection. Earlier in 2012, he handled a family situation in a way that addressed his needs but totally ignored mine. In fact, that I might be very hurt never even dawned on him. Another situation a few weeks later resulted in him calling me a fing bitch over and over. He refused to discuss or apologise, I refused to accept being spoken to with such disrespect and when forced to discuss he said he reserved the right to call me a fing bitch if I deserved it. I said we would seperate, he then apologised for his intemperate language but not for the hurt it caused. Currently we are in the middle of a silent row....he bullied our dd and when I called him on it, he reacted aggressively and stormed out of the house.

So I'm in stubborn mode. I have always been the one to open the dialogue on sorting the issue. He will turn it back on me, I will get fed up trying to be heard and the issue remains unresolved. This time, I'm trying to hold out on the fixing. I really want him to care enough to want to sort it out. I'm still waiting......26 days now.

But over the holidays with time to think and ponder and talk to my sisters, we each acknowledge that how we handle confrontation is not always healthy. We all have a tendency to build a wall and hide behind it lest we get hurt. Some families can have a screaming match and all is forgotten five minutes later. We tend to internalise and self-protect.

So of course, with dh being the way he is and me being the way I am, am I sabotaging my own relationship or is my instinct to self-protect a learned behaviour or a true instinct?

I know that online personality tests etc are notoriously unreliable and that only a specialist can diagnose any PD but the Hare test shows my dh as being strongly NPD. He hates being wrong, will turn the blame on me, is emotionally unavailable, is aggressive, curses other lowly humans, believes he is superior, believes himself to be highly intelligent etc etc.

(Thank goodness I am back to work tomorrow as I really have had too much time to think )

Am back to counselling tomorrow evening so will discuss all this with my counsellor, but interested in your thoughts - assuming, of course, that my thoughts make any sense!

I would be extremely wary about entering any form of mediation at all with your H as he is abusive. Infact I would not do so.

To use mediation is to subscribe to the mistaken idea that abuse is related to "misunderstandings" or lack of communication. If discussion and compromise, the mainstay of mediation, could help in any way most domestic violence situations would be long ago resolved because victims of abuse "discuss and compromise" constantly. Mediation assumes both parties will cooperate to make agreements work; the victim has always 'cooperated' with the abuser; the abuser never cooperates.

Mediation can be and is ordered by judges/courts, as can counselling and mental health evaluations. They are tools in the abuser's arsenal to be used against the victim as often as he chooses. In order for mediation to work and to not make situations worse the parties involved must have equal power and must share some common vision of resolution. This is clearly not present when domestic violence has taken place in a relationship.

Mediation practitioners must be alert to the need to interview partners separately with specially designed questions in order to determine if abuse is or has been present. Many domestic violence professionals can train others to screen safely for domestic violence. To not do so risks unsuccessful mediations, at best, and increasing the victim's danger by colluding with the abuser, at worst.

A person who has been terrorized by an abuser is not free to participate in a mediation process with him, even if the mediator(s) assume or believe that they "understand". Being truthful about any of her needs or experiences in the abuser's presence or proximity practically ensures that she is in more danger later.

The mediator is left with a no win: either the victim's danger is increased, or she is not fully or truthfully participating, or both. The well meaning mediator may actually encourage the victim to feel safe enough to share information that could seriously compromise her safety. In any case the whole intent of mediation is lost.

To engage an abuser and a victim in a process that implies equal responsibility is damaging to both. The victim is once again made to feel responsible for the abuser's behavior, and the abuser is allowed to continue to not accept full responsibility for his behaviour choices.

" he won't give up this house without a fight"

Possibly not, but if it will be classed as a marital asset and you'll probably discover you can force a sale in order to get your share of the equity. Agree about being very wary of mediation with a bully.

You might find the information and links here are useful background reading.

Did you tell the solicitor about the abusive behaviour? I know mediation is recommended nowadays, but not if you feel if would be pointless or risky.

You can read more about it here.

So Day 30 is over and it's time to take back control of my life. FW will be away all next week so I'm going to break this deadlock on Sunday.

But I've got to do this carefully. He will get defensive and blaming, so I can't start on the back foot. My goal is to either stay in this house or force a sale.

So I'm trying to figure out how to approach this "chat" with him so I don't get sucked back in, so I can protect mine and dd's needs but without sending him over the edge. He needs to "think" he is in control......but I need to be strong.

Any tips?

Day 33 of the silence. I asked him yesterday if he would be here this afternoon as we needed to talk. The fw has just gone to the pub to watch the match. He is on a 6am flight in the morning and gone till next Saturday. Fucker!

Don't waste your breath trying to negotiate.

Honestly.

I've been where you are now and it's just a total waste of time. Every second you put up with this shit is a second that you will KICK yourself over when you ARE finally out of it.

He IS abusive, and horribly so.

You ARE unhappy, and you need to get yourself and your family away from him.

If I were you, I'd text him tomorrow when he's finally out of your home that when he gets back from his trip, that he'll need to stay somewhere else.

Pack his stuff and send it to a relative.

NONE of this is anything YOU did, not one second of it.

Have you read WHY DOES HE DO THAT? by Lundy Bancroft? If you have, you will know that you didn't cause this, in any way, HE DID. He is choosing to be abusive towards you, for the emotional hard on he gets out of it.

Castrate the FW (metaphorically, of course) Take back your strength, your power and your freedom.

He has NO right to treat you like this.

Oh and CRY! if that is what you want to do, it won't last forever, I promise you.

Don't be afraid. The most terrifying bit of your life is if it STAYS THE SAME. If your life changes, you get him out of it, it'll improve. Honestly.

Focus on the green grass on the other side of this, focus on the truth of what he is, and what YOU deserve (MUCH BETTER)

I'm 2 years on and in the best mental health of my LIFE! I'm loved, adored, valued and respected, by myself and all those I chose to have in my life. I've cleared out all the toxics. I can honestly say that I am a better person for having gone through it all, and thankfully Karma seems to agree with me. Life is BLESSED, my son is better than he's ever been, happy, relaxed and kind.

My Ex is still a Twat with nothing going on in his life.