Me, My Husband and Alcohol

[Counts210]

Takes Deep breath Wonders where to begin
I suppose I'm posting here because I just need a place to vent. A place where I can say all the things that I keep locked inside.
I met my DH 17 years ago and we just clicked. I knew we would be together for a long time. He was gorgeous, funny, interesting, intelligent, kind and decent. He made me feel like a Princess.
We married in 2001 and had our first DC in 2003 and our second in 2004. It was when I was pregnant for the second time that I began to think he had an alcohol problem. He was drinking every evening which was not usual for him. I suppose I buried my head in the sand and I was so busy with 2 tiny children and work.
Life rolled on and so did the drinking. I was living with him drinking everyday. If I challenged him, he would say that I was over reacting, that it helped him unwind, that he could stop if he wanted to. I watched helplessly as the lovely lovely boy I married became distant, selfish, dishonest, cold and awful.
But this was a secret that was within our 4 walls. To those on the outside looking in, we were a great family. Nice house, decent jobs, lovely children, nice things. And I suppose I tried to convince myself that these things meant we were ok. You see, I wanted it to be ok.
In 2011, I found out that he had been having a short affair with a married woman in the town that we live. I threw him out and we separated briefly. After counselling and soul searching, we embarked on giving things another go. I suppose it was a combination of love and pragmatic reasons that I made this choice.
The last 18 months have been hell. The fall out of an affair is not pretty. But really, the biggest issue by far remains the alcohol. By this Christmas, it had reached a point where he was in total denial and I was finding wine bottles hidden all over the house and the car. He was lying day after day in a bid to hide his addiction and there was no trust left.
So today when I found more wine bottles in the car, I told him I could take no more. That I can not go through this. That I will not put the children through this. He left. He then rang me and said that he would tell me everything. For the first time ever he admitted he was an alcoholic, that he has to drink everyday, is physically dependent and feels ill if he does not drink. He said that the taste is behind his teeth and the next drink is all he can think of. He said he is frightened and knows he needs help.
He begged me to help him and I let him back in the home. I know that there will be those who will say this is wrong. But he is my husband. I love him. I made promises for better for worse.
I insisted that he call his parents and admit to them what he admitted to me. He did so. He also called our private health care to get help and advice. They told him he must see our GP in the first instance so we will go there tomorrow.
I just feel so sad. I feel I don't know him anymore. I just want my husband back. I have no idea if he can beat this. But I know that I need to help him as best as I can.
Thank you for listening.

Oh poor poor you. I'm afraid I wouldn't let him back just yet but wait and see. There is no motivator, is there, once he has talked his way back, whatever he is offering now. He wasn't trying last week, was he?

Sorry your life has been hit by this problem. It's a thankless task helping an alcoholic although at least you have the advantage that your husband has admitted he needs help... many never even get that far. However, this is something he has to face alone for the most part. There's a limit to what friends and family can constructively do. You should probably contact Al Anon who are there to provide support for those affected by alcohol abuse. Good luck. You'll need it.

At least he's admitted the problem now so the first step is to both talk to the GP and support him. He needs your support but must be doing it for himself primarily. Set rules and stick to them. The GP will help a lot tomorrow. Just take each step one and a time and remember there are helplines for the families of alcohol abusers aswell!

Addiction is horrible and destructive. He needs to sort himself out first and then come back into family life.
If it was me, I'd insist on a long period of being sober before I let him back but that's obviously your decision. I'd do this in a bid to save our relationship. I would try to avoid any suggestion that he is sobering up for me or the kids. He has to sober up because he wants to. If you get into a cycle of drinking -regret-sobriety-relapse-regret-sobriety etc you risk becoming part of the problem rather than part of the solution.
Have clear boundaries in place, maybe get in touch with al-anon.
Addiction is hard but people do overcome it with determination and the right kind of support.
Good luck x

No real advice apart from what others have said.
Good luck, I don't think it's going to be easy.

This could be the turning point your OH needed, he has admitted his problem for the first time ever which is a huge step in the right direction for you all and no hiding from it now his family know, really, really hope you can both get through it this time with the help and support of GP and his family.

He begged me to help him

It's is the crux. You cannot help him, he has to do it himself. It sounds cruel but it's true.

Get in touch with Al-anon, they will help you.

Living with an alcoholic, whether they are drinking or not, is very very difficult. And almost impossible to manage alone

Please go to Al-Anon, hard work but totally worth it IME. Feel free to PM me for a chat about it

Good luck

Hi there. So sorry you are having to I through this. One of the other posters said it but he needs to do this one I'm afraid you can't do it for him. I speak from experience as a recovering alcoholic who has now been sober more than a year. I only really faced up to things when I had nothing left. When my family/partner were willing to put up with it/support me it was too easy to make excuses and keep drinking. Once I felt like I was in danger of losing things was when I finally had an epiphany of sorts and realized I couldn't keep doing what I was doing to them. Could you get him to call AA? They will have meeting in your area and can put him in touch with someone (or outside the area if he prefers) who can go along with him to a meeting. It may not work for him, but for me it was a lifesaver and I'd say worth a try given the mess it's sounds as if he is in. Good luck xx

Don't think you have to keep this a secret, that will make the pressure worse for you.

I don't mean you have to broadcast the news far and wide, but don't try and cover it up.

I wish all of you the best.

Hi

So sorry for what you have gone through but as others have said on here at least your OH has admitted he needs help - thats the first step. I know because my OH of a comparatively short 3 1/2 years is now in rehab for the same reason. Something he had decide for himself despite years of nagging by friends and family. I wish you and your OH all the luck in the world. Do PM if you need a chat - I kind of understand what you have gone through/are going through x

He has taken that first step but there is a long road ahead.It is a scary place to be for both of you so get as much outside support as possible.

Much of the recovery from addiction depends on the person changing ALL the behaviours surrounding it. By this I mean it's not just a case of detoxing from the physical dependancy.

He'll need to look at what led him to drink in this way and address and change the dishonesty that has become second nature. How will he fill the void left behind when his all consuming addiction isn't an option? Does he have hobbies/interests that will help fill his free time and provide that enjoyment he found then replaced with drink? He'll need time and help in identifying his triggers and develop new coping mechanisms for life. Another big thing for him to face up to are the consequences of his drinking and impact on the family.

There are many organisations who can help and I would highly recommend the SMART recovery program if it runs in your area.I know many alcoholics who have found it life saving. Or if at all possible residential or community rehab.

I told myself for years I wasn't that bad and that I didn't have time to go into treatment. I was in serious denial and my addiction (to heroin) was close to killing me.

There's so much help out there and many people who know what you are going through. Recovery is possible despite what many people think. Make sure he understands that you can only stand by him if he gives it 100%. It won't be easy but I wish you both strength for the fight ahead.

OP, not a great deal to add to what has already been said, but to repeat some key messages:

• do not keep this a secret any more. You shouldn't and he can't, if he is going to face this and recover. It will not help you in the long run.
• you probably can't help him. I'm sorry - but there is literally no way to make the changes he needs to make unless the will to do so comes from inside him.
• the safety of your dc is paramount, I know you don't need me to tell you that. An alcoholic in withdrawal may not be safe to be around them.

I recommend this book - the companion one for the problem drinker him or herself is excellent - no-nonsense, full of good advice, and critical without being judgemental. If he will read that one (and he should) it's here.

Please go to Al-Anon. Please think carefully about what it means if he says he won't at least give AA a try. There is a mix of opinions on the efficacy of AA but as a benchmark of how serious he is about challenging his addiction I think it's a good one.

Best of luck.

His GP has to be the first port of call.
He needs some medical support.
It can be dangerous to simply go cold turkey with alcohol.
Good luck to both him and you.
It's a long road but it can be done with great determination on his part.

GP may or may not prove to be of much help at all.

I would strongly suggest you talk to Al-anon for your own self.

I am sorry to further reiterate this but if he is doing all this now primarily for you rahter than his own self then any recovery is doomed to failure. He has to want to do this for his own self. You are codependent and are too close to the situation to be of any real help to him, you think you are helping now but you're really not. Your first priority needs to be you and by turn your own children who have likely seen and heard more than you could realise. I think you still want it to be ok re you and he.

He loves you well perhaps but he loves alcohol more and he has cheated on you. Alcohol is truly a cruel mistress.

Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy; you need to start properly opening up to other people.

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

"I made promises for better for worse"

You kept those promises and at great cost to yourself and your own family unit to boot. He however, was and remains a drunkard. He is not beholden entirely to you; his relationship with alcohol is still paramount and comes before everything and everyone else. He may well love you yes but he sees you as his enabler too. You enable him and still do by taking him back into your home for all sorts of reasons.

Is he really worth it and what on a wider level are you both teaching your children about relationships here?.

Would agree with others, I know you really want to help him - but he needs to fix this on his own. I grew up with an alcoholic parent and we all enabled him for years - the cry for help followed by GP visit is classic. He may stop drinking for a bit with your support but it is unlikely to stick if he is back in the family home. He knows that if he drinks again you will always take him back - because so far you have!

If my mother had thrown my father out, and meant it, either he would have sought proper help and sorted himself out, or drank himself to death. I think we all feared the second outcome - so he stayed - and we endured years of drinking interspersed with periods of sobriety. I still feel angry about it - he really had us all where he wanted us!

He stopped drinking of his own accord in the end, and this time it seems to have stuck, but he has done so much damage to his family along the way, and I can't help feeling that it all worked out quite well for him in the end - he didn't lose his house or his family (quite a lot of jobs though!). He still has addiction problems, still behaves like an addict etc. My mother still treats him with kid gloves. He can do what he likes basically.

Just to add - FWIW - my exP got lithium from his GP to help with the withdrawal
He never went to AA but saw an alcohol counsellor, again through the GP
He's sober for today & that's his victory/ success
Mine is Al-Anon & I'll go forever