Different Parenting Styles Causing Problems. Should I Be Honest or Quietly Walk Away.?

[SallyStudioIsMyFriend]

Really need some advice and would appreciate honest feedback. Have nc as friend knows my name on here.

Friend Has 2 children, DS of 11 and DD of 9. It's the DD I have issues with as she is my DD's friend at school. DS has SN and although DD is not SN she appears to pick up all /many of her brother's traits and anxieties. She does not have many friends at school, well none really other than my DD, and so hangs round with DD quite a lot at school. I think she does not have many friends because she is anxious type, is not your typical girl (she has same interests as her brother) and because she is extremely overweight doe s not get involved in playground running around games, or after school activities - many of the girls in the school all go to dance and are in a show together so see each other at school and outside and then have the joined commitment to the show.

At school she latches onto DD and gives her a hard time if she plays with the others. DD does try to include her and we have had many chats about this, but because of the running around or practising dances she is then not interested and makes DD feel bad that she has 'no one to play with'. This all came out at the end of term as friends DD was off school with various bugs and DD said how great it was that she could just play with who she wanted to without being made to feel bad/responsible for friend.

I have spent a lot of time teaching my DD to be everyone's friend and no-ones best friend. She can be very shy and I have been quite cruel at time and forced her into situations where she has to make friends and am pleased to say that all the hard work is paying off and DD is more confident about new people and new situations. But friend has now decided that as my DD is her DDs best friend that she should join my DDs activities. I really don't want this as this is DDs space and I know that friends DD will latch on and stop/make difficult DD interacting with others.

So what would you do? Should I have a chat with friend about her DD developing other friendships at school and joining different activities or should I say nothing to friend and have. Quiet word with teachers and coaches about keeping them apart.
any advice welcome. TIA.

If you're worried that the other girl is becoming too clingy I would talk to the teachers and ask them to find her different children to be with, mix them up in class, involve her with other groups etc as well as being friends with your DD There's nothing wrong with the girl joining your DD's activities... there are other children there as well and she may make other friends.... but again, alert the leaders that this girl finds it difficult to mix and needs some encouragement.

'I have spent a lot of time teaching my DD to be everyone's friend and no-ones best friend.'

I think you should back off a bit & let your dd sort it out, she can have a best friend if she likes! Maybe if you hadn't told her somuch she wouldn't feel she has to be friends with someone she seems not to like & you wouldn't be in this mess!

You can't stop the girl from joining in the activities, but you could explain to your friend that the reason your DD does them is to help her feel confident in different situations with groups of people she doesn't normally socialise with. You could also make some suggestions of other activities that are good that your DD doesn't do (i.e. that the other girl might want to try).

I also think it's worth discussing with the school and working out together strategies you could give your DD for dealing with this. These would be useful for the activities as well.

Meant to add the different parenting styles bit is relevant as friend is very much into how her child is feeling but does nothing about her being overweight - I know this is hard to deal with and could be for a variety of reasons but that child can out eat me, and that is saying something - but Christ if my 9 year old DD was upset about her weight I would tackle this as well as try different strategies around self esteem.

I am not being fattiest here - I myself am overweight and have spoken to friend to say how horrible it is and how people treat you very differently when you are overweight. But I am an adult and have to accept that my weight is down to me to deal with. A child cannot understand that in the same way and she will have her whole school life blighted by being self conscious and shy, with few or no friends.

I feel sorry for them but my concern is my DD and I dont want her school life to be about looking after someone who cannot/ will not (and whose parents cannot/willnot) look after themselves. We have had this for 2 years so I need to do something.

Gumby

I am not dictating friendships. Friends DD was a good friend but has got worse due to anxieties and self esteem due to weight. This is why my DD is backing off and wants my support to help her do this. I have only spoken to DD to show her that friend needs help joining in with things but if she does not want to do them it is not my DD responsibility.

Cognition and scheme thanks for words of wisdom. I think you are right about letting teachers and coaches deal with it and saying nothing to friend.

Sounds like the girl needs to be involved in physical activities if she's to stand a chance of combating the amount she's given to eat and, if it's anything like most towns, there's only a limited selection of stuff available for her age-group. So you can't really exclude a child from something just because your DD finds her annoying. I also take a dim view of parents that overfeed children to the point of obesity, but it's a separate issue that is very difficult to tackle head-on unless you are a very good friend and you have the kind of relationship where you can say anything to each other.

It is not acceptable for this girl to dictate who your DD can or cannot play with. That is a form of relational aggression. I would speak to the teacher about it.

Cognito - I guess I am being a bit of a hypocrite by saying she needs to tackle her weight and then saying I don't want her in DD clubs when she joins them t o be more physically active.

Bloody iPad Cogito sorry I keep getting your name wrong.

I teach mine to never be unkind or gratuitously exclusive, but not that they have to friends with everyone or that they can't have best friends. I emphatically say they do NOT have to be friends with people they don't like.

However I do sympathise, we've all had these experiences with our own friendships and or dc's.

It will work itself out one way or another. Try not to make a thing of it esp not to your dd.

No way would I speak to the mum or the school - it really is not the teachers' jobs to sort minor friendship shit out! Bullying or unhappiness yes, not this stuff that all kids experience - it is for your dd and to a lesser extent you to sort out.