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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Haunted by the past years later

20 replies

Hauntedbypast · 06/01/2013 20:42

Hi ladies, this post might be long but please bear with me and sorry if I'm babbling I just need to talk about this.

I have been with my DP for 4 years, we are both mid 20's and have no DC. Our relationship has not always been easy but we are working on our issues and love each other very much. The problem I have is with me.

In my late teens I had a casual relationship for a year. It was mostly purely physical as we lived in different cities (both at university - he was at uni in my home town so I would see him when I visited home). After a year of sleeping together I ended up pregnant (unplanned) and had a termination out of fear of being a teen parent and was combined by friends that this was the best course of action. My best friend at the time convinced me not to tell the father of the baby as she said he would be angry and I belived her. Two weeks after the termination I was contacted by him and ended up confessing everything. He was understanderbly upset and asked to see me. I was to scared to see him and refused.

We stopped talking and he has since moved to another country and I have no contact with him for the past 5 years. I was deeply unhappy after the termination and as a result of it I suffered with anxiety, depression and anorexia. I have had counselling for these issues and for the most part I am in a much better place now, but occasionally it all comes rushing back and I feel desperately sad about the whole situation.

Tonight is one of those nights. I am in alone and have found myself thinking about him and the baby we never had. I feel like I have so much I need to explain to him and will never get the chance to do so. I hate that I am still haunted by this so many years later and I want so much just to be happy with DP. How can I move on and get over it?

Sorry it's so long I had a lot to get off my chest an noone in RL to talk to :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Hauntedbypast · 06/01/2013 20:42

Ps sorry for typos I'm on my iPhone.

OP posts:

antonym · 06/01/2013 20:48

I am sorry, I can understand the haunting. Could you find an email address/ contact him via FB? Would it help to write down the explanation you would like to give him, and then when you had that in front of you decide whether to find a way to send it to him?

Just a thought - I have no claim to be a counsellor.

TheKindnessOfStrangers · 06/01/2013 20:50

Write him a letter. I did this with a good friend I fell out with years ago. She wrote back saying she'd long since forgiven me for my part and was sorry for her part. We didn't resume our friendship but I felt much better.

Original poster

Hauntedbypast · 06/01/2013 20:53

Thanks antonym, I could find him on Facebook and send him a message but I'm not sure what I would say? I'm 90% sure he is now married and I'm also not sure what my DP would think about me contacting him?

I don't know how he feels about it any more or if he even thinks about it :( I genuinely don't think he would reply to me.

I have had countless dreams about him over the years and in my dreams we are together and are a family. Even though I know he doesn't live in the UK anymore I often think I see him and its literally like I have seen a ghost. Start having a panic attack and it takes me a few days to feel normal again.

Maybe it's guilt I don't know but I feel so down tonight I just wish I could forget about it all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hauntedbypast · 06/01/2013 20:55

Kindness, how did you start your letter? I have so many things I want to say but I feel they are mostly selfish and don't want to drag it up again for him Incase he has moved on and is happy.

I also feel as though I would be betraying DP - does that make sense?

OP posts:

ninah · 06/01/2013 20:58

write a letter and burn it. Don't get in touch with him
it's in your mind that the letting go needs to happen

Hassled · 06/01/2013 21:01

I think you should try to make some sort of contact - and I think you'll find it won't matter so much if he doesn't reply; you'll feel better for knowing that you've explained your actions and by telling him how it's affected you.

You're still very young and you've already suffered with a bereavement mixed up with guilt and regret - you're bound to be plagued with "what ifs?". You've had a hell of a time of it. You don't need to throw into the mix feeling that you're betraying your DP - it's not like that at all. If you told him I'm sure he'd understand.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/01/2013 21:02

It sounds as though you probably need to pick up the counselling again. Traumatic events tend to come back to mind when you're feeling vulnerable, fatigued or under some kind of stress. That's the time to ask for extra help rather than suffer. I would also respectfully suggest that, if you are struggling, the last thing you need with a DP of just 4 years' standing are 'issues'... you need 100% support and understanding.

antonym · 06/01/2013 21:03

Again: not a counsellor, which you clearly need. But I have found that just saying: I regret that this happened, I am sorry I never spoke to you about it, and so on can bring closure to an extent that you don't foresee until you have actually said it. And I would seriously hope your DP would understand and sympathise with your need to do so.

Original poster

Hauntedbypast · 06/01/2013 21:04

ninah I like that idea I might try that.

Thanks hassled, I feel as thought I am being very selfish so it's good to hear you say that :) I feel like I'm expected to be 'over it' and sometimes I am but other times the pain comes back as though it happened yesterday.

OP posts:

soulresolution · 06/01/2013 21:09

Not so sure the dp would understand - it might well cause even more upset for you to deal with. What if the ex is also upset, is it really fair to drag him back into it after all this time? It sounds as though you are carrying a terrible guilt around with you and if counselling helped before then it's the best first option before you involve other people.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/01/2013 21:13

BTW... what issues is your DP working on?

Original poster

Hauntedbypast · 06/01/2013 21:20

soul - I have decided to contact my old counsellor next week. She was fantastic but I agree I think I still have things to work on.

Cogito, DP has issues from his childhood (absentee father who wandered in and out of his life for years) which make him very insecure and he always feels as though I don't love him enough and might leave at any second. He puts extreme amounts of pressure on our relationship and if things aren't going well with us he cant function. I sometimes feel suffocated by him as he needs so much emotional reassurance from me.

I think if I told him that I was still thinking about the father of my terminated baby he would see it as another threat to or relationship.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/01/2013 21:49

I'm very worried about this. If you had no personal problems at all I would say you are making a massive mistake to be in a relationship with someone so jealous and messed up that they put you under extreme pressure to be with them and make you feel suffocated. It is quite wrong to do that to another person. It is not love. When you are as vulnerable as you describe you need someone who is 100% together in themselves in order to provide you with the support you need. When you are already struggling to cope with your own life, it is asking far too much to expect to be tiptoeing around someone else's neuroses or acting as their carer.

A man that needs that much 'emotional reassurance' and who would see your distress at the termination of a baby as a threat is not a lover but a bully. Please think that over.

poppywillows · 06/01/2013 22:18

This is about YOU - dont worry what others will think, youve got to put yourself first here. Try not to get so upset about the guilt and the past..you did what you thought was best at the time, there is no point in 'what if's'. You cant change it, so look to the future. But first, I would contact your ex through facebook..doesnt matter if he doesnt even reply, it will help you have some kind of closure.

Hassled · 06/01/2013 22:55

Haunted - lots of us had absentee fathers and we don't react by putting the sort of suffocating pressure on our partners that you describe. We all have our demons, one way or another. You don't sound very content with him, and that may explain the "happy ever after" dreams you're having about the Ex. Please see the counsellor asap - the best of luck.

Mayisout · 07/01/2013 21:15

Sounds like DP would greatly benefit from seeing a counsellor too.

Def think you should see a counsellor, OP. Things from the past, regrets, shame etc, seem to crop up when your present life is not happy and busy. What can you do to make your life happier?

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 08/01/2013 00:26

You have to try to let go of the past somehow as it is destroying the present.

If you think you will get some closure by writing to your ex, do it. Don't seek a response, in fact say you don't want or need one, that you are just letting go of your own feelings. I'm assuming (perhaps completely wrongly) that you want to share with him the sadness you felt and let him know that you are sorry you hurt him.

If this helps you and will allow you to close the book on that chapter then do it, then leave it alone and move on.

I was traumatised by a termination years ago, but now - many years later - I am grateful that I did it, and grateful to those who urged me to. My children would never have been born if I had taken a different course and I can't imagine a world without them in it. One day you will feel like this, I promise.

Your relationship with this guy was 'mostly physical'. If it had been more you might have had the baby. Accept the decision that you made. It was not only your responsibility that you got pregnant - his too - but it was your body though and you did what seemed right.

Maybe you are feeling this yearning for the past because you are in an unhappy relationship? Your partner sounds demanding, insecure and rather high maintenance. Grown ups are not jealous.

Please get some counselling and try to work out why you are focusing on something that is not really relevant to the life you have now. You need to examine the here and now and work out what is wrong that makes you dwell like this.

Sorry that you are going through this and hoping that you find some peace. x

Viviennemary · 08/01/2013 00:40

I agree that everyone has their demons and regrets in one way or another for what might have been. I'm not sure about the wisdom of getting in touch with this person again. Probably the best thing would be to have some more counselling. You could try writing the letter and writing down all your feelings of regret and other feelings but not send it. Sorry you are going through this really difficult time.

Dryjuice25 · 08/01/2013 01:46

Hi I speak from experience with a similar issue. I was in a relationship with this guy at uni who was my long term boyfriend. He persuaded me to have an abortion and promised me we'd be together forever. We are not together now.

Years later I had to communicate with him about how I regret the whole saga and how I'm haunted with it.He got back and told me he felt the same and regrets it ever happened. It helped me a lot and now I've successfully put this ghost to rest and I barely think about it. I have 3 lovely kids now and the uni guy was an ass anyway. I recommend you try and do the same and just have a chat about it.It helped me immensely and I value my children more because of that mistake

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