Do I tell him I cheated?

[Chelsea91]

Me and DP have been together 5 years and have 2 children we are currently living with his parents whilst we save for a deposit. Over the 5 years I have found out he has slept with 3 other girls he won't admit to anymore but I have a feeling there will be more. He constantly sends girls messages via Facebook and has sent and received pictures. You might ask why am I still with him the answer is he's a fantastic dad and boyfriend the most of the time minus these 3 girls. Now I haven't even kissed anybody else during our relationship but on a rare night out on Friday I got talking to an old school friend who was out with his friends from the army and by this point I had drank quite a lot and I won't lie I enjoyed the attention as I have put on quite abit of weight and still got my wobbly mummy tummy. We ended up going back to his hotel and did the deed. He didn't pressure me and insisted I tell him to stop if I'm not comfortable with it but I won't lie I felt great and didn't give my DP a second thought until I woke up in the morning. I then declined the offer of a repeat in the morning and ignored several messages asking me to meet him again. I no being drunk is no excuse but I wouldn't do it sober and now I feel better about our relationship because my confidence is now back I wouldn't even get changed in front of my partner. My question is do I tell him cos I feel so guilty will it make me feel better if I do tell him? And what happens if he can't forgive me? I don't want to be a single mum with 2 children.
Sorry for how long this has been but I need advice

Whether you tell him or not, you have to talk to your partner about the fact that you are both unhappy in your relationship.
I would advise you NOT to enter into a buying a house with someone (I assume that's the 'deposit' you speak of?) when neither of you can keep your pants on.

No but I do think you should end the relationship. If you're at the point where one partner has cheated multiple times and is still engaging very dodgy behaviour, and now the other partner is also cheating, what's the point? Where is the love and respect in your relationship?

Maybe you should speak about having an open relationship? A monogamous relationship isn't compulsory, as long as everyone is on the same page.

there are plenty decent men about who adore there partners & would never cheat. The fact he has doesn't make him a "fantastic boyfriend".

Neither of you are commited or loyal so why be together? Sounds like a car crash relationship to me & your justifying your cheating by him doing it first is a joke.

To be honest it sounds as if your relationship is doomed anyway. You have both cheated on each other, so clearly don't love or respect each other. If you have forgiven him for cheating on you before, you have basically given him the ok to do it again.

I cannot believe that you put up with him messaging other girls 'all the time'.

You know that a man is a shit when the 'he's a really good dad' shit comes out.

How very sad. You don't want to be a single mum but are quite happy to stay with someone who has no love or respect for you. And the way he behaves has resulted in you behaving in the same way.

I wouldn't tell him and I wouldn't feel guilty. I also wouldn't stay with somebody who'd cheated on me at least 3 times, and who I was able to cheat on without giving it a second thought until the morning.

Nothing wrong with being a single mum..... It's the better option here, and I think you know it!

Teeb speaks sense, especially if your DP is prone to cheat. Sauce for the goose and all that.

Open relationships aren't for me, but it sounds like it would make perfect sense for you and your DP.

My advice is to get down to an STI clinic and check that you haven't got anything if your P has slept with 3 others and you have now slept with another.

What trust and honesty is there left between the pair of you?

So, you are both cheaters ?

Get an STI check, stop having kids with a philanderer, book your appointment with Mr Kyle and have a big showdown on national telly.

Alternatively, both of you start acting like grown ups and end your "relationship" now.

at AF, you said what I was thinking. Tell it like it is woman!

Jeez you need to get yourself checked out for STIs.

Taking aside the fact that you shagged someone else for a moment:

Your 'D'P has shagged at least 3 girls you know about (I'm guessing that's the tip of the ice berg) and messages others for 'pics' constantly in 5 years???
And you put up with that shit??
You can't undress in front of him and admit your self confidence is low.
No kidding it's low!
If your partner has shagged all these girls in 5 years how much better do you really see this getting?
You need to work on your self esteem and get rid of this guy.
Stop relying on a man to make you feel good about yourself.

You have 2 DC and they deserve for you to model what a good relationship is, when you're in a position to have one again.
If you have DSs do you want them to treat women like their DF treats you?
If you have DDs do you want them to put up with dysfunctional relationships with men that cheat and endlessly send other women pictures of their cocks?

Take your cheating as a sign that your existing relationship is over and get rid of the rubbish in your life.
Make 2013 a new start?

I think you should bin the boyfriend , and give yourself a few months being single.

The fact is your self esteem has been rotted away to nothing by this louse of a man , with his repeated cheating . That made you vunerable to attention fron another man . Of course you had sex with the first man who paid you any kind of attention , i dont blame you or judge you for that at all , it was an escape from all the shit your boyfriend has put you through .

Its nice to be be wanted and desired . Its nice to feel sexy and lusted after .

But its nicer to be properly loved , and to have that , you first need to love yourself , and have some self respect and belief that your worth more and deserve better than a man who repeadly cheats on you , or a man whos willing to sleep with you knowing that you have a partner. .

Get rid of the boyfriend , tell the om to get lost . Give yourself time to heal over this and work out what you want in a partner . Unless your in a good place with your self confidence , you have no business being in a relationship at all . Without it you`d be vunerable to another waste of space man , and would get carried away with being " in -love" without actually looking at the character of the man in question.

Do not go near a bloke if he does not have a decent set of morals , regardless of how handsome or how rich he is .

Why dont you do something for you instead ? . Learn a new skill , or go for that fabulous job you always wanted ? .

"My question is do I tell him cos I feel so guilty will it make me feel better if I do tell him?"

The common denominator here is 'low self esteem'. It's why you let your cheat of a husband... and three women (minimum) in five years is a lifestyle choice, not a mistake... stick around and it's why you let yourself be persuaded to shag someone else.

The way to improve your self-esteem is to stop making excuses for your 'D'P, stop feeling guilty about wanting a bit of affection and end the relationship. And yes... tell him in letters six foot high and with great delight that you shagged someone else, and he was MUCH BETTER THAN YOU... right before you close the door behind him. Who gives a flying fuck if he doesn't forgive you? All the time you stick around you're just damaging yourself even further.

"he's a fantastic dad and boyfriend the most of the time minus these 3 girls."

That's like saying someone is a fine upstanding citizen most of the time minus the three times they've been in prison for embezzlement.

Now I haven't even kissed anybody else during our relationship

You write as though that's a major feat in 5 years and might be the clue to why you've overlooked a man who is the complete opposite of a 'fantastic boyfriend and dad' cheating on you at least 3 times.

Sounds like you've both got very low standards of how parents in a monogamous relationship should behave.

As you're living with his parents, if you tell him then you'll probably be out on your ear and homeless because I'm guessing that this twerp will have appalling double standards.

Amazed you feel better about being in a relationship that is dead and must be hell for your kids to have been born into.

Just end it.

It's threads like this that make compulsory sterilisation seem a reasonable action.

Bela that's a bit harsh,

However the old 'poor self esteem' wagon is rolled out on here a lot I'd suspect most women have 'poor self esteem' but don't cheat.
I can't actually believe you tolerate the kind of relationship you describe, which maybe leads me to believe you enjoy this soap style drama on some level ?
I do feel very sorry for you, but if you can just go out and pull I doubt you have 'crippling self confidence' people who are unnatractive, wallflowerish etc don't usually just go out and pull because their low confidence is like a barrier, doesn't seem to be the case in your sit, which begs the question why haven't you found someone better?
I'm playing devils advocate a bit just putting across another view.

Yeah I sometimes eye roll when I see 'low self-esteem' being rolled out time and time again for crap, cheating behaviour.

Just once it'd be refreshing to read 'I fancied shagging someone else so I did' but there'd be no excuse then, would there?

but to be honest in this case it's fairly obvious that the OP expects very little in relationships, probably blamed herself for her BF cheating repeatedly (always a mistake) and then shagged soldier boy partly because it proved she's still attractive, partly to punish dipstick DP and partly because she was drunk and horny. Never one reason for these things, I don't think....or should I say excuse.....

he's a fantastic dad and boyfriend the most of the time.

He really isn't, you know. He is a wanker of the highest order. He is unfaithful and disrespectful. He is setting a lousy example of what a father should be to your children - really, who could consider someone who treats their wife/partner in that way to be a 'good' anything? He won't change. Why should he? He gets to have you servicing his domestic needs and gets to screw around elsewhere without consequence.

I don't know how old you are, but you sound quite young. I would suggest you start thinking about what you want from your life and relationships in the long term (hopefully you don't want to be with a low life cheater). Do some work on your self esteem. Disregard people from your life who don't bring anything truly positive to it - which includes him.

Your kids will base their future relationships on the way you and your DP conduct yours.

If you have sons, they will see how their dad treats their mum and grow up thinking that's how women should be treated.

If you have daughters, they will see how your relationship with your DP works and will probably learn to repeat the patterns of behaviour.

Do you want your kids to have the same sort of relationship with a DP that you do? Or do you want them to have something better? If you would want something better for them, get something better for you - now.