So confused

[ADifferentTimeADifferentPlace]

I've name changed for this. Sorry if this is long and rambling; my head's a bit bonkers at the moment.

DH and I have been having problems since the arrival of DD, seven months old. She was my very much longed for baby and we both adore her. He had troubles bonding with her at first, but I suspect that's fairly normal, and is now amazing with her.
The majority of our problems are to do with his family, mainly MIL, I know that old shocker! I won't go into details about it as it's DH's actions that are the problem.

Basically he didn't protect me when I was at my most vulnerable and needed him to do so. He put MIL's feelings and wants above my needs. Even 9 days post birth! It took me having to confront her for him to suddenly be able to see what has been going on. For nearly eight bastard months.

I don't trust him, he's lied to me and snuck around behind my back. I have no respect for him. I think that he's been completely pathetic and should have grown a pair. Instead of which he falls for her manipulation and excuses her behaviour all of the time. Prime example "breastfeeding wasn't around 30 years ago", which apparently makes it fine to charge into the ward and attempt to grab my feeding 4 day old off me. Plus I may be wrong here but I've got a hunch that breastfeeding has been around since our species evolved.

I don't know if I love him now. I feel that I just share a house with him. I don't know how to make it work, or that I even want it to. He's a brilliant father, just a lousy husband; but he's never cheated and never been abusive.

I think that I'm feeling worse because I met up with some lifelong friends, of whom I have very few thanks to a turbulent childhood and my behaviour when I went off the rails. Regardless they've always had time for me even though they live on different continents. I hadn't seen them for over three years, but it was like I'd last seen them a few weeks ago. They're male and I've grown up.with them. One of them I've always liked but never did anything as I thought I wasn't cool enough and was too scared of being rejected. So all of these feelings came rushing back. If I was happy in my marriage surely I shouldn't want someone else? He doesn't know that's how I've felt and I'm not going to act on it.

My head's a mess. I don't know what I want. I don't know if I'll always resent DH for not standing up for me and his daughter. Is the fact that I don't want his family near me, and I don't know how long I'm going to feel like that, going to impact on our future? Do we even have a future? Would anybody touch me with all of my baggage? I suspect that DH is the only person who would. I don't know how to fix it.

"I don't trust him, he's lied to me and snuck around behind my back. I have no respect for him."

This is the real problem. Everything else is symptomatic including your crush on the old friend. If you feel alone in your relationship, up against not just your untrustworthy DH but his whole family, then you will be naturally drawn to people who seem to be on your side. We all need to feel that we are important to someone else.

Have you confronted your DH about his behaviour? I mean properly, explaining what a serious issue it is?

Yes, but he doesn't say anything just acts like a kicked puppy.

I don't know if going away for a few days will help. Maybe us not being here will open his eyes even more. But is it stupid to take a baby to a hotel for a weekend?

Looks like your own turbulent childhood led you straight into the arms of a man with his own toxic parent for a mother. That is what you learnt. He has also likely been conditioned by her not to be able to stand up to her and thus cannot or equally will not change. He has and continues to put his own mother before you and by turn his child.

Did you feel rejected by either one or both parents when you were growing up?. What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?.

This is not an ideal relationship model to show your DD is it; this is not what you want to teach her about relationships. You want her to learn the same damaging crap that you did as a child?. Of course not. He is neither a brilliant H or father come to that if he can and does treat his wife like he does.

If you have your own issues then you will need to work on these through counselling; I think there is an awful lot to unravel here. BACP are good and do not cost the earth.

No trust = no relationship to my mind.

"Yes, but he doesn't say anything just acts like a kicked puppy."

All relationships hit snags. The grown-up way to deal with them is to talk them through, acknowledge feelings, make compromises and be considerate. Treating it as a personal attack is not a mature or constructive way to resolve anything.

Enjoy your weekend away. IME it's easier to take a baby to a hotel than a toddler because they can usually sleep through anything, including the din of a dining room....

Not having cheated and not having been abusive are not good enough reasons to stay in a relationship you are not happy with.

If you have lost all respect for him I think its going to be very difficult to get this back.

Honestly, do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

I am fairly certain that DH is not the only person who will ever want you. We all have baggage so i wouldn't worry too much about that.

What lies has he told you and what you mean by saying he 'snuck around' behind your back?

How long have you been with your dh and how long have you been married? Did you have similar concerns about him prior to the arrival of dd?

What was his relationship with his mother like before you had th baby? Has she always been horribly overbearing? It can take a long time to adjust to new dynamics of being a parent and all the responsibilities involved and if you have been conditioned all your life by your own parent, it is doubly hard.

I don't think at this point you think about leaving. The first year after a child is the hardest for ay couple, especially the first baby. You need to try to work through these issues and see if he is able to start addressing them and step up I teh way you need him too but the last thing you need to be doing is starting to think about new relationships. Either fix or end your existing one first.

I don't want a new relationship, it was that I've never felt anything for anybody else since I met DH, and just having inklings of feelings for somebody else was a wake up call of how I'm feeling about our marriage. Happy = no inklings, unhappy = inklings.

We've had a big talk tonight, a proper dialogue about things. We're going to try but we've agreed that if it can't be fixed between us, we'll still be friends and most importantly parents to DD.

His mother has always been overbearing but he kept her at distance before DD came. She's also the real victim in all of this, to everyone that will listen to her.

Thank you. I was using you all as a sounding board. I told him that I'd been thinking about just not being here when he got home. We've always been open and honest with each other; and have always supported one another. The problem now is going to be me. Whether I can move on.

Well done.

I hope I didn't sound harsh, but there are a lot of people who would be lining up the next partner as a way out. It's a long hard slog sometimes in a relationship, and he has got a lot to do from the sounds of it, but honestly sometimes it's worth it. And if not, at least you know you have given it all you have and you will deal with it like adults.

There will be plenty of mil advice on here...

Good luck op, I hope you find happiness