Boyfriend constantly going on at his kids about their mum and the past

[KnoxVilleT]

Repost from AIBU, it fits here better really.

My boyfriend has been divorced for 2.5 years. In that time he has gone backwards and forwards between wanting to be in a new relationship and thinking it's too soon. I'm thinking he's probably messes a lot of women around this way.
So, like I say - it's been 2.5 years now and although he no longer feels like it's "too soon" he goes on and on and on about his kids and how he fears that he will upset them by moving on. His kids are teenage boys aged 16 and 17. Youngest one has autism so he's naturally protective of him but I can't help thinking HE'S the one messing them up with the way he carries on.

Everytime he picks them up on access weekends he goes on and on to them "you know I love you both don't you? but you know me and your mum won't be getting back together don't you? and you realise that no matter what, I'll always love you, right?" etc etc.

Of course, the kids need to know this but he goes on and on to them whenever he sees them and I can't help thinking he must be making them feel worse by bringing it all up constantly. The latest one was last weekend. They get in the car and he starts:

"You know I love you both don't you? but you know I'm dating now right? but that doesn't mean I love you any less - and you know me and your mum won't be getting back together don't you? (stony silence from the kids) because we tried didn't we? we tried to make it work and it just wouldn't - we just don't get on do we? (his voice starts to crack - this will upset the kids to start with surely!?) but I love you both so much, I always have and always will and nothing will change that, you know that right?"

FFS and he wonders why his kids go quiet on him when he picks them up??

I've not met his kids yet (he repeats these exchanges to me) but I'm starting to think that by the time I do, they'll hate my bloody guts anyway because I've been the source of upsetment for so many weekends!

I agree - he's winding them up no end!! If they ask those questions of course he should reassure them but not bombard them with emotional stuff! Can't he just have fun with them? IMHO I don't think he is over his divorce & will muck you about too.

He sounds emotionally unstable and I'd be running for the hills. How long have you been seeing him.

I'd move on if I were you, he sounds very stuck on the past and looking for his dc to validate him.

Been together about 8 months but I totally agree and I'm starting to realise that now. He's not over his divorce, is totally unstable and it just won't work will it? He keeps saying he needs time and will be ok eventually but who's time does he want? mine? because I'm not sure I have all that much time to spare. I don't want to rush things but at the same time I don't want to waste years with someone who just can't move on.

No, this is not normal. Raking up the past continuously isn't healthy. As gas been said, if the kids ask questions/want to talk a out it then that's entirely different, but him doing this every time he collects them is a bit weird tbh.

I have to say, as well, that as a mum I'd be really pissed off if my exh did this and I'd be having words. Not on at all! He sounds quite emotionally immature.

It won't work. He's not over the ex, he has some serious 'issues' to work through - probably with the help of therapy - and I don't think that is a good combination in a boyfriend. Prospective partners should be going all out to make you feel good about yourself, not be gazing at their own navels or wringing their hands.

He's a waste of time.