End of the road or huge speed bump?

[nowit]

DH and I have been together for 11 years, married for 7.

We have 3 DC (4,5 and 8) and we are having a rather large blip, I wanted to lay it out on here and ask what you all think, my brain is a bit scrambled tbh.

I was 19 when we got together, he was 28, we travelled, I got pg, we moved across the country, I got pg again, I started university, got pg again, graduated, started worked away from home and finally after all of our hard work we bought a beautiful house and I can WFH a lot and things seemed to have calmed down now that I am home.

In Nov, DFIL had a heart op, MIL (who already had mild MH issues) decided to make a serious attempt on her own life as she couldn't cope with the idea that DFIL would need her full time care when he came out of hospital.

She was thankfully fine physically after a few days but they took her to a MH ward to be assessed, she is now home and under the community MH team, we know she will always have this and we are trying our best to support her. DFIL is home too, recovery is slow but he is doing well.

DH goes to stay with them (2 hours away) once a week or so.

This 'event' really knocked us all for six and has shaken up our whole relationship. I've started to look back and we have been soooo busy just getting on the past 11 years that we have never stopped, it is like we have been coasting.

I don't think he has ever been happy, I don't make him happy. He doesn't have any goals or aims, he doesn't think about me, he doesn't fight for anything or strive for anything. He is an amazing source of support and will hold me up so that I can do/fix/make happen and he will enjoy the benefits but he will do the absolute bare minimum to get by.

He works full time and is fab with the DC, but I just don't feel like we click any more. We have started going to relate (only one session so far) but I feel as though it's too late.

He has a bit of an acid tongue, we have argued and he says things like he will leave and not see the DC, which would break their hearts.

Sorry am rambling, it seems so trivial written down but I am at my wits end, I don't want it to end but I don't know where we go from here.

It's quite a leap to go from a heart op in November to 'I don't think he's ever been happy' in January. Do you feel guilty about getting pregnant so early in in the relationship or was it planned? Have you felt that he is unhappy for a long time or has the time apart given you chance to think? Have you been conscious of his selfish/lazy personality from the off? Is the 'acid tongue' a recent development or has it been a constant feature? Do you see yourself in the role of peace-keeper or does he equally concede defeat during these arguments? Are the threats to leave and not see the DC a regular thing or a one-off?

If you're going to Relate, both of you have to be 100% committed to doing whatever it is that is necessary as a result of the counselling. If anyone is half-hearted or you already think it's too late, you may be better off not wasting your money/time and instead making plans for a separation.

I don't think he has ever been really happy, full stop. He says as much, the pursuit of our relationship is the happiest time of his life. I have encouraged him to get help or talk to the doctor but he won't.

The first PG was planned, we had been together 2 years and decided to try. I was 21, he'd just turned 30. I look back now and while I said and did every thing, I was so naive and I suppose that there is an element of regret. Not about my DC at all but about a missed yoof for want of a better phrase. I am where I probably would have been anyway, I just did things a bit arse about face. The Relate counsellor talked about this point in the meeting. Between 20-30 is when you do an awful lot of growth and change - he'd done his, I was still in the midst of mine.

He has remained the same, I am the one who has changed. I feel guilty for moving the goal posts and expecting him to adapt. I alway apologise
, I always give in, I am the peacemaker. I have recently recognised that I do this and have stopped it, the change in our relationship is awful.

This threat was a new thing and so far a one off.

Hope i've covered everything. I'm not sure if i'm committed - I know I want to try but I can't expect him to just change because I have. To now tell him that all of the things I have tolerated, I'm not going to anymore because i'm viewing us from a new pov. argh.

but what's the alternative?

I think your counsellor has got it in one. You met at different stages of your life, you're different people to the ones who met 11 years ago & neither of you are genuinely happy. Your sense of obligation means that, up to now, you feel guilty for simply growing up, wanting different things and you've avoided expressing yourself so that you don't upset him. His reaction to being newly challenged and expected to adjust is to threaten to abandon the children and things have turned 'awful'. Not sure what you mean about him only being happy when he is 'in pursuit of your relationship'?

The sad fact is that you're at an impasse. When he doesn't want to change and you don't want things to remain the same, if you are not both committed to finding a middle ground something has got to give.

Have you seriously entertained the idea of divorce? Looked into the practicalities ever? Or are you not there yet?

Not there yet, it just feels too huge if that makes any sense.

He says he was happy when we were 'dating', he was happy when we had no commitments (kids, money, jobs etc etc) who wasn't, ha!.

I just want to stick a rocket up his arse. This is serious but he isn't prepared to change or attempt to fix anything. But then that's a bit shitty for me to say as he hasn't changed, I have.

I want him to want more for himself.

I can understand how recent events have absolutely knocked the both of you sideways. For your DH he came very close to losing both parents. For both of you you are possibly looking forward and wondering 'what next?' or perhaps 'is this it for the foreseeable future?'.

From what you have described there doesnt seem to be fault in this. You both are at the stage where the your children are growing up and no longer needing that heavy duty care of the early years. Were you looking forward to having some freedom?

Are you feeling some resentment towards your DH's family? I'm not criticising if you are. Your children are just reaching the stage where they are at school and there is going to be more time for yourselves. Suddenly his parents need support and this looks like it will be for some time. Just as you are getting released in one direction it looks like you are getting tied down in another.

"But then that's a bit shitty for me to say as he hasn't changed, I have. "

It's not shitty to grow, develop and want different things from life than you did aged 20. It would be truly shitty to make yourself miserable sticking with the wrong man just because you think you're obliged to....

I hadn't looked at it from the pov Naming.

I suppose I have been looking forward to more of a social life, I say I and not we, because he doesn't enjoy social things. He is an introvert, when we met I didn't think he was but more and more over the years it has become apparent.

I have joined a bookclub, made new friends in the local area, joined in. He hasn't, he doesn't like me inviting people over.

I don't think there is resentment towards PIL but maybe there is? I haven't really thought of it like that. At the moment I enjoy him going away it gives me some head space

I don't think you resent your PILs especially. I just think that, deprived of his presence for a day or so each week you've realised that you prefer your own company and maybe feel more relaxed when he's not around.

I think you're probably right. Thank you - it's all a bit frightening to actually consider the practicalities of no longer being together.

I feel like i've given up but haven't given it enough of a chance. I lay all of this on him when he is in a vulnerable confusing place and expect him to jump - it feels very selfish. I need to think on and give it more time.

It's fucking miserable.

nowit has your DH talked about how he feels about what has happened with his parents? If he doesnt naturally talk about his feelings he may find this difficult. Is there any way he could get some counselling for himself? He may need to be lead by the hand to do this (I can imagine how difficult it would be to get my DH into some sort of counselling for himself!) but there might be quite a lot he might benefit from talking about with someone else.

He has lived with his DM's MH issues for a long time and also had a huge shock with his DF's ill health and his DM's serious suicide attempt.

He doesn't talk Naming. That is one of the biggest issues.
It is like he goes through life flatlining. He isn't very good with emotion. He just is - i have never seen him cry, he doesn't get excited etc.

I have suggested he has counselling alone, he poo-poos the idea.

I can understand that nowit. Looking at this from outside I would wonder if his DM's long term MH issues hadnt affected him.

Would he go for you? If you asked him to go because you wanted him to help himself?

Does he need permission to talk about his feelings? Very few people dont feel but especially where there are other people who have bigger problems the people with smaller problems may feel that they arent allowed to talk about them.

I dont think I have explained that very well but I know what I mean!

I totally get it and yes, you are right. I have been giving him room for a long long time, he just doesn't seem capable of expressing his feelings at all. To the point where I am doubt he actually feels much at all.

He doesn't think he has a problem and so won't go and see anyone.

It's interesting that you are now more or less at the age he was when he got together with you and you decided to have children.

Can you see now how big that age gap really was? Think of all that's happened in the past decade. He'd done that before he met you.

I think you've grown up over the last decade and you have changed from the girl you were when you met him. It's inevitable really that he won't have changed alongside you as he was starting from a different point.

I would say something to him, though - "Never, ever say in an argument that you won't see the children again - if you do, then I will leave you immediately."

I can see that imperial, sometimes I think about how I view 19 year olds and I wonder how he thought it was ok?

That is totally unfair as I went in eyes wide open, he didn't and couldn't 'make' me do anything.

I have spoken to him about the leaving comment, he isn't happy with himself for saying it, but then again he hasn't apologised.