Exp DV - im so weak

[Jellybellyhell]

Hi all,

New here & in need of some help / advise if possible please..

Upset this morning after another bad dream about EXP so this may be jumbled..

i spent 6 years with the man, the man who mentally & phiscally abused me..and i feel so horrible within myself at the moment.

I finally walked out of the door 3 years ago next month but the reason i left is the thing thats bothering me, i left for someone else..someone amazing who showed me what love / life should be. However this is what im struggling with, it took someone else for me to leave him..i didnt leave for myself, i didnt leave because i'd had enough, i didnt leave because i couldnt handle my head being smashed off the coffee table every other week and worse, i didnt leave because i didnt want to be raped daily, i left for the worse reason possible..

why didnt i value myself more? why did i not see that i should have left long before i meet the OM? Why am i so weak that it took someone else to see what he was doing was wrong and to open my eyes? Why didnt i have the guts to get up and leave for myself? Where did i go? What happened to the young woman that before him would have stuck up for myself & left there and then?

How did i get to this place? To be this person?

Why am i still so scared of the man that after yet another terrible dream about him last night coming back to get me, to force me to go with him that i woke to found i'd wet myself with fear?

Oh this post is such a mess, not even sure what im asking for or if any of it makes sense..

im just so sad

Maybe the young woman you were before you met an abusive twunt was clearly not as confident as you seem to think she was? Maybe she was taken in by him? Maybe she initially saw his aggression as assertivenes - a qualtiy that is considered desirable in the male - and didn't recognise his true intent?

Maybe she was gradually conditioned by a predatory and well practised abuser to accept that his word was law? Maybe she told herself that he must love her because if he didn't, he wouldn't find time to beat 7 kinds of shit out of her?

Maybe she was hooked on the adrenaline of fear and uncertainty? Maybe she was too weak willed, or found it too much of an effort, to take back her power and tell her abuser to go fuck himself?

Whatever the reason, be grateful that someone came along and took you to a place where can see just how misguided and wrong you were to put up with a relationship that did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to enhance your life - and everything to suck the joy out of it.

Locate your nearest Women's Aid offices here www.womensaid.org.uk and sign up for next the Freedom Programme, or look to do it online, so that you don't make any similar mistakes in the future.

I didn't want to leave you unanswered. Everyone needs help and support at some time, from friends, or family, or strangers on the Internet. Or from a good man who helped to show you the way out.

I think you may need a bit more help to fully recover, and I truly hope you find the peace you deserve.

As the others have said, it doesn't really matter where the help and support you needed came from.

I used a quick sand analogy in another thread. It doesn't matter who holds the tree branch on the other side.
That OM showed you there was a way out. He showed you that you could be loved for who you were, that you could be respected.

You grabbed that branch and pulled yourself out. That is what matters.

You grabbed it because you knew deep down that your relationship was wrong, and knew that it was possible to have something better. Because your heart was open to other possibilities and because your love of your ex had died down.

You probably have some form of PTSD and probably need professional help to overcome it.
Please do not beat yourself.
The Stockholm syndrome is well recognised, where the victim identifies with the kidnapper. In extreme situations our brain works in strange ways to protect ourselves.

Yes, it is possible that your confidence was not that high to start with, or that it was so much eroded that hardly any was left at the worst of the abuse.
Perhaps you can also work on that at a deeper level?

Our brain often needs to process what happens to us, and does it during our sleep. Those dreams are awful, but it means that your brain is still processing the memories and the effect it had on you. There could be triggers during the day that make connections to that time and surface in dreams.

You left because you did realise you deserved better.

You knew you deserved a decent, loving partner.

You left because you could see that what you had was wrong. It's just about the timing. You would have gotten there yourself one day but this guy came along and nudged you to realise that you deserved more

You did not leave for something new and exciting or a fling. You left because you knew you deserved better. It doesn't really matter how you come to realise this - but you must have done to have left and when it comes down to it, it really was about you realising you deserved it for you.

Thank you all for your words, touching that people you dont know are there just to help you up abit when you need it..

Ive just signed up to the freedom programme (had never heard of this before so am grateful this was suggested) so going to check that out once i finish work today

Again i want to say thanks to all for your very kind words & taking the time to respond, wasnt sure i would get any! x

"How did i get to this place? To be this person?"

Because you were subjected to a six year campaign. Your ex didn't start out like that presumably or you'd have never begun the relationship. Something drew you to him in the first place and made you overlook any obvious faults, and then he had six years to work on crushing your self-esteem, making you believe all kinds of rubbish in order to keep you trapped.

Doesn't matter that you left with someone else. Sometimes it takes a friend to give us the courage to act. Sometimes it takes something drastic. You did the right thing but you might benefit from one-on-one counselling if you're struggling to come to terms with the past.

It'll be OK.

You're free, you have the Freedom programme to help you, you have us, and the love of a good man.

You will find the FP helpful, it's not the golden bullet some think, but it's a start.

I think that you really owe yourself the kindness of looking into further counselling and investigation of potential PTSD.

You didn't do this, it was done to you, buy an evil and damaged man, who is totally without hope of ever being any different.

That's not you. You have your life ahead of you, and you may be down, but are not out. Not by a long shot.

You will need to put in much effort into getting yourself better, but it will be SO worth it. YOU are so worth it.

Put the time and effort in and it will pay off. I promise. No matter how hard, no matter how tired, no matter what, you getting yourself the help, space and time to heal is going to transform your life.

You are so brave, and you are with us now, please keep posting, keep asking questions, keep pushing through and it will all be ok.

Oh and we all berate ourselves for the lack of exit, or the wrong way, or not being good enough an exit, but if we're out, it doesn't actually matter. Real life, hope and growth can start again.

I waited for my ex to leave, so I too tell myself that I wasn't strong, brave or clever.

I will say though that letting him go was terrifying, and literally physically excruciating. I was put under immense pressure to cave, but I didn't. I suppose I can be proud of myself for that. I did what I could, when I could. The result is both DS and I are happy, housed and getting by. We're free, happy and love life.

Well done for grabbing the chance you were given. I know it'd have been hard for you regardless.

You're free to live again.

(((hug)))

OP, you've been through hell. Your ex terrorised you, that's why you are hurt. It doesn't matter how you left, don't beat yourself up. You got out and now you are asking some healthy questions, sounds like the start of a healing process. Be kind to yourself, you deserve nothing but good things. Best of luck with the freedom programme!

Do you know what OP? And this applies to everyone leave a DV relationship. The reason doesn't matter why you left when you did. It says more about you that you had the courage to leave a nasty abusive relationship.

Maybe the OM was the catalyst to help you leave, maybe you left when he said the wrong thing to your DC, or maybe you finally got the final bit of courage you needed to make that leap of faith away from what passed for "normal" in your life after he kicked the cat. It doesn't matter why you finally left, your are courageous and strong and inspirational to others, because you left. You had the courage to walk through the door and leave the arsehole behind.

OP, The important thing is that you left an abusive twunt arsehole of a man, and you will be moving forward in your new life with a wonderful new man, who values you, loves you for who you are and respects you as an equal. It doesn't matter what you did it for, you DID it. Be proud of your courage.