Should I have done this??

[Littlefl80]

I am a long time lurker but this is my very first post on here so please be kind.

I did something today which I am not sure was the right thing to do and am after some advice on what others would do in these circumstances.

Basically my DP is in the his final year at university (he went back as a mature student) but during the last semester has really struggled to cope with the workload alongside family issues and work. His dissertation is due in next week and he has not finished it, says it is too late now and is planning on contacting uni next week to drop out.

I think this is a ridiculous decision having spent the last two years working hard, so thought I was doing the right thing and today e-mailed his dissertation tutor telling him the facts and basically just asking what DP's options are now.

I had a lovely reply back from his tutor saying lots of students have issues and going through the options of what can happen next, so I sat down with DP this evening to admit to sending the e-mail and to tell him about what his tutor said and he has basically gone nuts, says he can't believe I have done this and I have embarrassed him etc and has now stormed out of the house to calm down!!

I was only trying to be helpful and honestly didn't mean to cause him any embarrassment but did I do the wrong thing? Should I have just left him to sort things out for himself (which I no he wouldn't do until it was too late as he tends to bury his head in the sand)

I apologise if this is in the wrong place but wasn't sure where to put it.

I think that your heart was in the right place.

Oops, I think you probably did overstep the mark by contacting his tutor - he is a grown-up after all. I seriously considered doing something similar when my DS was struggling in his second year of uni - possibly just about acceptable for a 19 yr old, but for a mature student? Sorry, no way. (I discussed it with DS and he vetoed it completely, but then went and had the discussion himself).

Having said that, what's done is done, and maybe once he has calmed down, you can show him the response from his tutor and persuade him to take some action.

Are you absolutely sure it is only the dissertation that is getting him down? Is he coping OK with the rest of the course? Perhaps the dissertation not being finished is his 'get out' clause? There's no shame in admitting that it's all too much to cope with - you did mention other issues, and perhaps you need to let him let go..

The uni will do everything to help him finish. We have just been through a similar situation. My DH came close to packing it in towards the end but the uni gave him extensions and help and now he has graduated and is working. It was a very hard period but worth it. He needs to swallow his pride take the help and get on with it.

It's a tricky one, he probably won't thank you for it and I'm sure he'll feel you've made a fool of him ( even if this is beyond all perspective to anyone else, his tutor included).

Having said that, if he was about to throw away all that hard work and leave with nothing when he's so close, I personally think it's better he's dragged kicking and screaming over the finish line than have that happen.

I speak as someone who felt the same in my last few months of uni and about my dissertation, and it's never as bad as you think it is when you're head is completely, well, up your arse basically, you lose all perspective. He'll thank you for it eventually, once he gets the letters after his name

No he is not enjoying the course at the moment, he is doing several modules which he says he has no interest in and I think that is a big factor.

His mum was unwell for most of last year with mental health issues and was in hospital a number of times. We live 250 miles away so he was travelling back and too to visit her. He is not very good at coping with stress at the best of times so all of this and uni has just got too much.

Anyway he is back now and I have apologised (lots) I know I was being unreasonable to contact his tutor but i really thought I was helping.

Cross post, thank you for all your replies