Awful old people and a sick young woman - how do I stop this...

[Corygal]

I'm posting for advice, sorely needed, about how to help a mate. She's single, early 40s, and after losing job is very broke with a side order of disabling depression.

The other party is a wealthy friend of her parents, a hot to trot 70 year old who has always claimed she loves my friend to bits (they are both single) and calls herself friend's 'self-appointed godmother'. So far so good - but under the godmotherly guise the old bird has been rather rude - critical of my poor friend's appearance, hair, weight, and so on, to her face.

Worse, the old dear has, for years, relentlessly and loudly promised to help friend financially. "Do send me an email, dahling". I've heard her do it three times in the past year, and I don't see them together that often. The offers are unprovoked. Friend's family are not the helping type, which explains why old lady jumped in there.

When friend, however, in need of private consultant for the depression, not to mention trying to live of single person's JSA, in desperation approached the old dear, the answer was a flat no.

I don't know what the old woman wants in all this, as she's clearly got loads of money and is refusing for some other reason, but I'm loath to see my friend hurt any more.

Privately, I think offering help to the desperate then whipping it away is unpleasant, but I'm prob in the MN minority there. How does she extract herself from the relationship with the least offence possible?

Have you spoken to your friend about this? I'm sure she can't be happy with the situation but unless she has actually asked you to help, then you could be perceived as poking your nose in where it is not wanted. If she does want your advice however, I think she should write to the "godmother" saying that she is going through a difficult time and needs to focus on getting better and improving her current situation. Unfortunately, her contact with this friend is not helping her recovery and so, until she feels better, she would appreciate being left alone. Alternatively, she could just not answer the phone or the door when the old bird calls!

I don't think your friend should worry too much about causing offence to someone who - on the face of it - is all talk and seems to 'big herself' up at your friends expense.

How well do you know her parents? Given that this woman is a friend of theirs are you able to ask their advice/opinion?

No, i doubt you're in the minority either - most people are loathed to ask others for financial help so it was probably very difficult for your friend to ask - and given the number of offers she's had it must have really knocked her for six to be refused. Personally i think that's a shitty thing to do.

I don't understand why she should worry about causing offence.

Yep, she has asked me to help her. I think she feels the need for delicacy because the 'godmother' is her mother's oldest friend.

Do you think the godmother's behaviour is OK?

I can't say I do, but maybe I'm in the minority.

maybe circumstances have changed?
falling out over money is awful.

Circs haven't changed - I sneakily found out from the parents that godmother is loaded, as always. I mean 7 figures loaded, probably 8. That's why, when my mate howled, I said I think this needs dealing with.

As she's asked you to help i think you need to encourage her to cease contact with this woman. I don't think her behaviour is ok, no, especially given your friends depression - i think she sounds deeply unpleasant.

FWIW i'm always deeply suspicious of anyone who 'appoints' themselves as anything - smacks of ego imo.

Well, sadly I'm tempted to agree. For a start, anyone who charges in unprovoked with remarks about weight and appearance to the face of another woman, let alone one over 40, is no charmer in my book.

But my friend has known this woman all her life - it's hard to dislodge that childish trust and the feeling that civility is a good idea for old times' sake.

This story is very very familiar, have you posted about it before or maybe your friend.

No I haven't - I don't think my mate is a MNetter either. What was the thread called? I will have a look!

What was the advice??

Bump?