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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can i leopard change its spots?

18 replies

oscarthegrouch · 05/01/2013 19:06

wasnt sure where to put this!

met a man over xmas who I used to know years ago at school. He was a bit of a bad one, always in trouble and ended up in a bail hostel for threatening his mum before moving away. He got in a bit more trouble where he moved to but 10 years on, he has changed his life around, has a stable job etc and he returned home for the first time in those years like a different person.

We are texting a lot and theres something there between us that I havent felt for anyone for a long long time.

Im just scared that leopards never change their spots but I also know everyone deserves a second chance. I just dont know whether i should take this risk of getting to know him like that - am i setting myself up for a massive fall.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
oscarthegrouch · 05/01/2013 19:07

silly phone changed a to i!! Confused

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 05/01/2013 19:17

leopards can't but people can.
If they want to
If they have the guts
Having been bad is not the same as being mad or abusive where there is illness to blame (MAD) or a massive gain from the behaviour.

If you choose to pursue a relationship with him at least you both know his past. he can't reinvent it or deny it (and if he tried to that would be a great big red banner). If you met him without knowledge of his past would you be being cautious from his current behaviour?

izzyizin · 05/01/2013 19:26

Do you know anything about his family circumstances when he was at school?

His childhood may have contributed to him being 'mad, bad, and dangerous to know' back in the day and moving away from his family may have been, as the saying has it, the making of him.

Perhaps some gentle reminiscing about 'the old days' will shed some light?

Original poster
oscarthegrouch · 05/01/2013 19:51

yeah his dad was in prison and his mum brought him up on her own until she remarried. If I didn't know him, I would just think he was a genuine nice guy, we had a chat (and maybe a little bit cuddle) and he said he'd always had a thing for me and that he would do anything for me. He's away back home now but he's thinking of moving back (not because of me his family are still here). Truth is that I can't stop thinking about him and he text me saying the same thing.

Im always cautious because of my ds and my unbelieveable sucky past with men anyway. I always make the wrong decisions

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 05/01/2013 20:13

Just take it slow. See where it goes!

Original poster
oscarthegrouch · 06/01/2013 11:02

yeah that's hopefully the best plan of action :)

OP posts:
Original poster
oscarthegrouch · 20/01/2013 18:37

just to update I am now in a relationship with this man and Im absolutely loved up and more amazingly he feels the same. We are spending as much time as possible together until he moves back up here in august.

I am a but wary about what ds's father would have to say about it with dp's past. (His trouble was to do with getting into the wrong crowd and causing trouble at a football match, nothing that would suggest he would put ds in any danger).

We are no where near the point of him meeting ds so should I really be worrying about exp's reaction? Especially when unlike dp, he is still continuously in trouble with the law for similar things, he has not grown out of the behaviour

OP posts:
Nagoo · 20/01/2013 18:44

Clicked on this ready with a massive spoon of cynicism, but it sounds like it's turning out well :)

Good luck for the future OP :)

Original poster
oscarthegrouch · 20/01/2013 18:47

I have a massive grin on my face at all times :)

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/01/2013 18:47

Be honest. You didn't start this thread because exP was worried that leopards don't change their spots... that was entirely your concern. So admit you have doubts of your own and deal with them properly rather than try to deflect it as being someone else's fault for trying to spoil a good thing.

Original poster
oscarthegrouch · 20/01/2013 18:53

I began this thread before I got to know him better and we discussed things between us so yes it was my concern originally. Im referring to how my exp will react a to the fact that this is the first relationship ive had in 6 years and b because everyone knows about dps past. I have no concerns about him meeting ds he hasnt been in any trouble for 8 years, i am concerned about what exp will have to say about it

OP posts:
Dededum · 20/01/2013 18:54

Yes totally believe that people can change - my DH has and after 15 years keeps changing in a good way.

One thing I found is that because of his troubled past he didn't always see things in the same way as me. Had to make my rules/ position very clear so there was no misunderstandings.

Good luck

Original poster
oscarthegrouch · 20/01/2013 19:02

thank you dededum. Its good to hear from someone who has been through a similar situation. I know its early days but I am so cautious because my exp provides no stability for ds having had 6 gfs in the last year, all of which ds has met. I just need reassurance thats all its very new to me

OP posts:
izzyizin · 20/01/2013 19:15

I always make the wrong decisions

Would that include jumping into 'relationships' feet first and becoming 'loved up' in an extremely short time without having first evaluated whether the object of your lust is worthy of your love?

Given that you hooked up with this old school pal a matter of a few weeks ago, it seems to me that September would be a propitious month to begin introducing your ds to your new squeeze.

As he's moving back to your location in August, this will enable him to settle into his new home/lifestyle before playing any part in your ds's life, and, to my mind, 8 months should provide sufficient time for you to establish whether this man is worthy of meeting your son.

Just a thought; you're not proposing to introduce your ds to this guy in the next few weeks/months with a view to having him move in with you in August, are you?

betterthanever · 20/01/2013 19:25

izzy you asked the best questions.
I think there is some amazing advice here I can't add anything but wanted to wish you all the best. I think you are right to be cautious.

Original poster
oscarthegrouch · 20/01/2013 19:56

goodness no, he wont meet ds until he has moved up here as we will only see eachother on weekends exp has ds. I clearly stated that i am the parent that provides ds with stability and have no intention of messing him about.

I also have no intention of us taking such a huge step as moving in together so soon, I may make the wrong decisions but they are ones which only effect me, not my ds I'm not an idiot.

As for jumping in feet first being a bad decision, I have never been treated like this by a man in years, he is sweet and caring and has made me feel good about myself, something which I havent felt for years so Im seing where it goes, could be nowhere but for once Im putting myself out there and feel I deserve some happiness

OP posts:
izzyizin · 20/01/2013 20:40

What's his relationship history? Has he been married, does he have dc?

Original poster
oscarthegrouch · 20/01/2013 20:46

he has never been married, has one ds who is almost 3, him and his exp split up 18 months ago after 4 years

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