My friend's wife doesn't like me

[TheseJeansHaveShrunk]

I have a male friend, let's call him Dave, who is my oldest friend - we've known each other since birth as our parents were close friends. As children and teenagers we spent a lot of time together in school holidays and at one time he even lived with my family for a bit. Nothing romantic ever happened between us. He is like a cousin to me.

My recent attempts to contact Dave have not been responded to and when I mentioned this to a third party who knows us both well, she said that Dave's wife does not like me. I was very surprised to hear this as I've only met his wife a few times (she is from another country and since they married, they've lived there) and thought we got on perfectly fine! She's never been receptive to my attempts to befriend her directly, but has always been perfectly friendly to my face.

As adults, my relationship with Dave has always been the sort of friendship where we go 3 or 4 months without contact and will then have a chat or meet up and we just pick up where we left off. Since he got married a few years ago he's lived in his wife's country, though he continues to work in England (complicated weekend commuting arrangements!). I got married young and have been divorced for all of the time since Dave first met his wife.

I hardly ever see him in England and have visited him in his new "home" country with my DC twice, at his invitation. Apart from those visits, I've only met his wife a handful of other times. When I visited, they also had other house guests at the same time - some her friends, some his (who had also come over from England to visit). I did quite a lot of cooking and so on while there, e.g. I pulled my weight. I took gifts for them both times and sent thank you letters afterwards. Since the last visit I have seen Dave a couple of times in England - each time just him and me as his wife rarely accompanies him to England, although she doesn't work.

Last time I saw Dave was almost a year ago, and at that meeting when I asked after his wife he sort of implied that the marriage was going through a bit of a rocky patch, though not so bad that they would split up. Just a difficult time.

This is a WWYD really. Although Dave and I don't see each other often, he is my oldest friend and our friendship is very important to me. Should I try to speak to him to find out why his wife doesn't like me so that I can try to build a relationship with her, or should I just accept that if she doesn't like me then it's best for him to drop our friendship (as it seems - from his lack of response to my recent emails/texts - he's decided to do)?

She probably feels threatened by you.

I would let it lie - keep the door open to the friendship, but accept that she very likely has an issue with it - and his choice seems to be currently to choose her.

Maybe in time he'll come back into your life, in the meantime I'd let it drift rather than be a source of strife. If it's the sort of friendship that can survive months of no-contact, then it'll still be there in years.

Aaawww. Wish you were my friend.

I also agree that she sounds threatened by you.

Good luck. X

What a difficult situation, which you are bearing the brunt of it seems.

Do you think you could have a frank discussion with Dave about this? Next time you see him or speak to him, explain that you have heard that his wife doesn't like you, and you are not angry with her, or want any conflict with her, but does he know why this is? And what will become of your friendship? It sounds like you have a close enough relationship that you have this open chat and be honest with each other.
I think that's what I would do.

I've recently had an argument with a family member that the reason another family member doesn't keep up with his children from a previous marriage is not because 'his new wife won't let him'. In my view, adults should be quite capable of keeping up with children, friends or whatever and, if they choose not to, it is their decision... even if that decision is being made under duress. If his wife doesn't want you to be friends he should at least have the nuts to tell you he's been forced to make a choice.

Thanks for your replies. I had a difficult time when I was married because my exH effectively isolated me from all my friends. When we split up, I found out who my real friends were: the few who were happy to just pick things up without recriminations about me having been a "rubbish friend" for all that time. Dave was one of these. In fact he was very kind and went out of his way to help me out both financially and practically. I don't want to make him feel awkward re his wife, but not do I want him to think I don't care about our friendship. But short of writing to him, I can't see how I will get to speak to him if he doesn't return my calls. Would a letter be too heavy handed?

A short text would do it. 'If us being friends is annoying your wife, let me know'. If 'yes' then back off and leave him alone.

Yes sometimes when people are in an abusive relationship and are isolated from friends, it's reasonable to blame the abuser and not the frightened victim who ditches his friends as a way of escaping the abuse. But that is the only exception to putting the responsibility where it belongs.....in this case with Dave.

So bearing in mind that you've had a third party, uncorroborated suggestion that his wife doesn't like you, it makes complete sense to have this out with him and him alone. If he's willing to let your friendship lapse on his wife's say-so, then that's his fault, not hers.

He's got his own mind and is capable of making his own decisions. With the above notable exception, I've got no time for people who ditch their friends and blame their partners for it.

Have a look at the 'friend's' motives for telling you all this incidentally. Saying the wife 'doesn't like you' is far more hurtful that saying she feels threatened or insecure by your friendship with her husband.

If it really is a case of her not liking you rather than insecurity, Dave should have no real problem seeing you because as far as you know, he likes you and that's all that matters. I assume you can cope with someone not liking you, as long as it doesn't have any impact on your relationship with Dave?

If just a case of her not liking me then yes I could deal with that, though obviously it's not ideal. Especially since I've made a conscious effort to be friends with her! But if it's insecurity/jealousy then that is much harder, because really his loyalty must be with her first and foremost. Also I'm sure that if I say directly "does X not like me for some reason?" then Dave would deny it. So i'd have to say that I've heard this from a third party and ask him what the cause of the dislike is.

I'm wondering whether he's been a bit indiscreet and has told her that he discussed their marital problems with you? I could understand it if that made her uncomfortable.

Personally, I'd focus on your responsibilities as friends to eachother - and leave the third parties out of it. Ask him why he hasn't been responding to your calls and messages and ask whether he wants to continue the friendship. If he then blames his wife, put the responsibility back on his shoulders.

Yes, people should be loyal to their partners but that shouldn't require disloyalty to old friends. If Dave is prepared to be disloyal to you, then he's not much of a friend.

Good advice Schmalzing

I wouldn't contact him for awhile then I would send a friendly neutral text, as already suggested. It is probably that she feels a little jealous and 'not liking' you is easier than admitting it.

if he really is like a cousin and not like a male friend then you will be able to go five years and then pick up where you left off. so I would just do nothing for a while.

A depressingly significant % of married women are afraid of all single women. even if their husband is a growler and you've never ever done anything to warrant a man-stealing reputation.