Dh back to being 12yo

[Theoldtriangle]

Dh and I married for 3 yrs and both in our second marriage. My teen son lives with us full time, his two kids visit regularly. He would like his son to live with us too, at least 50:50, and up to now I was all for it as our kids get on well. Now I'm not so sure as hubby and son VERY LIKE in a aspergers sort of way. Neither have friends, both love PC and other frankly nerdy stuff, and I am fine with that as long as its temporary it seems. After hols it has become clear that were son (12, but very much still a baby) to live with us my hubby would revert entirely to preteen behaviour and I would be mum to three boys! Unfortunately dh has always shown tendency to make me his mummy and I have been relatively successful in making him grow some balls, but when son is here over prolonged periods, I.e. 5 to 7 days, they literally shrivel. Our relationship is quite sexual but I feel creepy sleeping with a man with a child's mind! We are already in couples counseling for other issues and I would love some advice on now to broach this subject REALLY SUBTLY, I want to be constructive, not hurtful, thanx.

Can you give some examples?

How to broach? Straight between the eyes I'd have said. Be very clear about how you expect him to behave, what you expect him to do/not do when your step-son visits. With consequences if he's not taking the problem seriously.

Random, one of the subjects at counseling was his being buddies with own kids and leaving me out in the cold, sometimes quite literally. He is working on that really hard regarding daughter, but somehow does not see his behaviour regarding son warranting any change. I have had some success in helping his son adjust to other kids, make friends in our neighborhood and I know he's happy about this. Dad however was not happy initially as I was taking away his playmate. Started to see sense when son was obviously more adjusted. Actually writing this makes me feel dh is perhaps using son to not grow up at all? Dh likes to cuddle on sofa like a little boy, makes jokes about "can't do that now because you said to" as if he's a teen and I'm his mum. Little things, like always asking if I still love him or like him at least once a week. Sometimes feel like shouting NO. Always feel mean when I try to be constructive or adult, etc... He can be really petty towards my ds, 14, who is a typical teen and I feel would profit from a male role model (I don't think his dad is tops here either, a real macho). However, dh does apologies to ds when he has been a prat once again and generally they get on really well. Don't want my ds to end up disrespecting him either.

Literally out in the cold?

Cogito, this is the adult boundary stuff i do, like not over stretching visits by adhering to fixed schedule, but I sound mean to both. I feel they are codependent i their infantile behaviour and could both do with kicks up their backsides with some therapy.

Tzella, the worst was we were all going out to a restaurant and dh and his teen dd ran ahead to bus stop holding hands, snuggled into his jacket, blah blah... Sounds harmless I know, but if this is constant behaviour it grinds you down. Anyway he decided to man up when he caught himself talking about a rendez vous when meeting up with daughter, telling me people were looking at him as if a paedophile while out and about with her.... And generally this mini wife syndrome has come to an end, she is also abroad for 6 months now so also good time to manage son issue on its own. I'm just tired of having to be explicit in what I want or don't want. Any magic formulas out there to get your man to actually be one??

" Any magic formulas out there to get your man to actually be one??"

None whatsoever. You can't change someone's personality or behaviour single-handed and without their involvement. You can only change the way you react to it. He clearly doesn't think there is a problem at all. There are no consequences to his actions... you seem to have tolerated it for some time. He therefore has no incentive to change and will not change.

So the question really is.... given that he is stuck like this, are you happy being stuck with him?

What are the child's views? Does he want to spend more time with his df/at your home? How much of an increase over and above the ds's 'regular visits' does 50/50 represent and is his dm in favour of this plan given that her child support payments may decrease?

Btw, when I read My teen son lives with us full time, his two kids visit regularly I thought you were referring to your dgc

Cogito, no am not happy, but like any kid he can twist me round his little finger by being really sweet at some random thing where he clearly expects loads of praise. Am reading up on how to better parent teens but feel the advice also suits my dh, and whe I read him stuff he sometimes laughs and says that applies to him too.
Izzy, no, dm will no way support this for exactly that reason. Son emotionally neglected , materially swamped with goodies to keep,him in line. When we first met she sort of threatened to let my now dh have his son and she would keep daughter. Thought she could frighten me off! When it became clear that it would be a good solution also supported by son she immediately withdrew offer and made son feel guilty for wanting to leave her. He was nearly 9 then. Good kid really, but he and his dad are cocooning themselves from real world. Although I appreciate past hurts needing to heal, dh is just not Inclined yet to move on, and I feel doing his son a disservice, I.e. not showing proper way to deal with life, growing up etc. just hiding behind fantasy stories, comic books, pc games, and yes I mean the dad!