DP and I have been together just over four years. When we got together we were both pretty wild, partying and drinking too much. Most of the foundations of our relationship pre DD were built on this, and my problem with alcohol - which had manifested itself long before - exploded during this time, resulting in my being hospitalised with seizures on two occasions.
Pregnancy came as a surprise (I?d been advised I would probably not conceive) but we faced it with the same sort of impulsivity which we?d been using right up until that point and decided to go ahead with it. It was emotionally a very hard pregnancy for me - I was deprived of my drink and my smokes and my hedonistic lifestyle was fully reigned in. I became tired and ill-tempered and was resentful of DP going out drinking with his friends, smoking freely (though outside) and going on holiday with his mates. I grieved my old life and even after the birth was desperate for things to get back to ?normal?. Stupidly, DP and I hadn?t discussed parenting - we?d only really talked about the labour and the birth - so it came as a surprise to find that our views on raising children are polar opposites. As are most things between us, it turns out.
Two years later I was diagnosed with severe PND and Panic Disorder which had resulted in Agoraphobia. I was an absolute blasted wreck, unable to do the simplest of tasks and totally unable to remember who I was. The resulting breakdown was the most frightening experience of my life, but it also gave me the impetus to stop drinking and smoking, cut down on caffene, take up yoga, meditation and running and start to eat healthily. I?m interested in seeing what the best possible version of ?me? is and I owe it to my daughter to be well. I?m on some serious medication too, and all of the above has really helped and has freed me from a lot of emotional restraints.
But the downside of this is that it has only served to highlight the gulf which now exists between us. DP has said on more than one occasion that he misses the ?old? me and that I?m no fun anymore. We have very little connection since I stopped drinking, and he has no interest in any of the things I?ve recently started doing, and I get the impression he is waiting for this period to pass. I can?t see how he could prefer the ?old? me - I was anxious, flightly, crippled with confidence issues, an alcoholic and terribly insecure. We are growing further and further apart to the point now where we no longer share a bed (sleep issues with DD and his early starts in the morning) let alone have sex. He is a much stricter parent than I - shouting, bullying, and threatening DD - and I find myself stepping in more and more often to get him off her case. He resents this, and I resent him not being interested enough in DD to learn a little about what will best benefit her, and what approaches might work best.
We have no common ground and very little to say to each other - he recently stated that he wanted to keep our finances seperate so we don?t even pool our money together. I love my time by myself, and can?t help but wonder at which point we should just shrug and say ?This isn?t working.?
But I haven?t the first clue about how I would extrapolate myself from this. We live with IL currently, and I have no option to stay with family if DD and I were to leave as DDad is having horrible cancer treatment and no room at DBro. DP loves DD to bits and I know she is the best thing in his life so he would hate me doing this. So where do I go from here?